My 12 year old son is lying.

[swanthingafteranother]

Ds1 has taken to lying. He say he has done his homework when he hasn't, he says he has showered when he hasn't. It is always little hasselly things he lies about, rather than big events. He confesses almost immediately. It is a like a pleasurable addiction. He knows we will find out yet he keeps doing it. It is things he hasn't done he lies about rather than things he has done. So he tends to tell the truth about "crimes" but not misdemeanours or omissions.

We are investigating him for dyspraxia, his behaviour in school has been flagged up (calling people names), his academic work is average to good. He alternates between enthusiasm and get up and go, and blanking responsibilties. He goes to school by himself on time, and another aspect of the lying is the buying pringles and sweets on the way (although he is overweight) with pennies from his money box although we have told him not to buy snacks and add to his weight.. I feel like we are having to police everything, when he appears on surface quite responsible and grownup.

DH has taken a very hard line about the lying, and saying You have Lied To Me very forcefully. I'm not sure whether this helps and whether the best thing isn't to confront him, but just get him into the habit of DOING those things he consistently lies about. Ie: pretending he has shower, pretending he has started hs homework. I think he just needs constant supervision now as he has proved himself babyish and untrustworthy, to get him back into habit of doing things properly. Being at secondary, we believed him to be independent and self motivating, but I wonder whether it has sparked off a kind of bid for doing his own thing in defiance of adult instructions/advice. AKA lying to adults.

I think part of the "Dyspraxic" profile is that he is constantly procrastinating and disorganised, and he thinks it much easier to lie and blame outside factors than to do the task in hand. He never thinks ahead, and in a funny way shows very little anxiety. He prefers to "blank" problems than confront them and prepare for them.

Any tips on dealing with this low level lying? He tells truth about things like getting detentions, upsetting people, getting told off, breaking things, it is just the blanking we are getting very depressed about...

I thought I could share my experience with this, as my DS at age 10/11 lied about cleaning his teeth, showering, using soap/deodorant/shampoo, doing homework - little little things, but meant i had to constantly check up on him.

Initially I did do the "You Have Lied To Me" approach. But that made it all seem so serious, for such 'little' offences - especially given that he didn't lie about the big stuff. In the end I decided to make a joke out of it, and asked him in a funny way if he was telling the truth, eg., "Really? Are you suuuurrre you've used shampoo?" and then start sniffing his hair like a dog would. He would start laughing and confess. It worked well - only took a couple of months and the lying stopped.

To this day I have no idea what that little developmental stage was all about - maybe a need for attention? Who knows.

We have had/are having similar problems with DS (13). Our approach is to ask him if he has showered/washed hair/brushed teeth. He gets one chance to say 'oops I forgot'. If he does then he is simply told to go back and complete the task. If he lies then the punishment is draconian (xbox rights withdrawn).

This works with the tooth brushing and has now been introduced for showering/hair washing.

Simple solution for sweety buying is to pay all pocket money direct into the bank and only give limited cash pocket money for specific activities. eg DS gets £1.50 in cash when he goes to Army Cadets to pay subs and to buy drink/chocolate from tuck shop. DDs get similar when they go to their activities.

I think that 12 year old boys tend to be a lot less grown up than girls but still have the same demands in terms of self-reliance put on them. Poor things are simply not up to the task!

Gnome inspired bank idea! Really struggling with the money box giant stash of cash for wasting spending on sweets. Or my sister said she wrote it into a little record book whilst not actually giving any cash, and then they had to draw it out for a specified item.

I also like the way of turning it into a joke and teasing them out of "forgetting", rather than coming down really hard right from the start which backs into corner...Gypsy

My 3 DCs love having bank accounts as they get the statements from them they can see how they are going.

Sounds like classic 12 year old boy syndrome to me. They all avoid showering and tooth brushing at that age. For example at that age DS2 would never brush his hair between visits to the hairdresser for a haircut.
I wouldn't jump to label it as part of dispraxia or anything else.
The personal hygiene stuff will change overnight when he sparks an interest in girls.
The "lying" is annoying but it's his way of saying leave me alone. Perhaps you could find ways around asking outright whether he has done something?

I like the playful parenting approach :).
I wonder if it would be helpful to break things down into problem areas: homework, snacks, hygiene. And find a way to help him tackle each.
Homework + hygiene = best done as regular routine. And get a lovely shower gel, it's funny how eagerly 12yo boys will shower if they like the smell of their shower gel.

Snacks: again, you could talk to him about a regular routine where he regularly, gets them, just not as daily as his current habit, so then he doesn't feel like "better buy them today because don't know when I'll next get some". Might work, anyway.

I save the "come down like a ton of bricks" approach for when it's more serious stuff, and I need him to actually take notice and not tune me out. DS is 12 now, and I still occasionally sniff his hands (when he says he's washed them) before sitting down to dinner. It still makes him giggle. But he's always washed them. Just for once, I found a parenting technique that didn't involve me shrieking and being the bad guy.

The not showering thing is something they grow out of it, using copious quantities of Axe/Lynx or whatever it's called. Overnight boys go from smelling vile to spending 30 minutes under the shower, and coming out of the bathroom smelling like the bottom of a French tart's handbag.

I remember this stage really well. I mean in myself, aged about 9. Partly it followed a shocking realisation that my parents weren't actually omniscient... If they didn't know everything it seemed important to work out what they did know, and lies could 'test' this. Partly it was that lying made boring things much more interesting. I think that's why these kind of lies are associated with mundane, 'small' things. "Have you washed your face?" they'd ask; and saying "Oh who CARES?!" wasn't an option, but a little lie could add a bit of a frisson and relieve some of the irritation that they should ask such pointless questions! Partly it was a symptom of a good, creative imagination: when I got a bit older, I channelled the same instinct into writing stories.
I don't think you need to worry much :)

Swan - as I noted on the other thread, my DS1 has turned into a regular liar. I noticed that his friend also told a bare-faced lie to his mum tonight. She didn't believe him when he said he was still waiting for dinner at 7pm, so she rang me to check (he'd finished eating an hour before, but wanted to stay on). I have discussed the issue of trust with DS1, but it doesn't seem to be having any effect. I'm relieved to find, from this thread, that everyone else's boys are also lying about personal hygiene. I just don't trust DS1 about anything anymore and keep checking everything. I hope that, if this irritates him, he'll want to stop lying .

Incidentally, it's a sign of intelligence, apparently - see here. And very common in 12-year olds.

My 13yo Ds does the same thing. I really think it's just their age and that they will eventually grow out of it. Ds has already gone back to brushing his teeth; it's the showering and hair brushing that are still lacking and that he lies about...oh and the food squirrelling too.

Honestly, I found it has been easier to tell my DS to go and have a shower. To tell him that I've made a packed lunch and he doesn't need money. To say this is homework time, whether he has any or not.

He has to do at least one sports club a week. Whether he likes it or not.

It sounds a bit awful, put like that - but he still loves me.

very relieved to hear everyone's stories! So I see it is nothing really to do with dyspraxia or suchlike, just a typical teen thing...Will fortify myself accordingly and not give up nitpicking!
Ds wouldn't come out of the shower this morning!