16yoDD leaving school, horrible behaviour, self-harm

[Sika]

Please help ... I don't know what to do. DD has been really difficult for months or longer - has anxiety issues and has been self-harming on and off for well over a year. Lately things have got way worse. She regularly has panic attacks. She broke up with her lovely long-term BF a few weeks ago and went straight into another relationship with a much less lovely boy who is a bit mentally unstable himself. She doesn't talk to me anymore - just yells and swears. We've had massive rows over her texting and internet use. She failed her AS exams in a major way and is refusing to do the work necessary to resit them so is leaving school on Monday.
We just had a row because I didn't want her to stay the night at her BFs, in his bed. Last time she stayed she was meant to sleep on the sofa, but apparently his Mum told her it would be freezing and would be better in the bed with the boy!! I just said I wasn't comfortable with it. I was pregnant very young and I'm terrified of her becoming pregnant. Her response is to just yell and say she's 16 and she can live where she wants and she's going to move out.

Right now she is locked herself in her room after having stolen her phone back from my room. She is probably hurting herself.

She won't go to a counsellor and the GP has been no use.

I feel utterly and completely helpless - this is all so far out of my control. She's always been a lovely kid. She doesn't drink or do drugs or smoke or anything. She's very young in many ways. Now she just hates me though I don't do anything to warrant that.

I'm stuck ... please help, advise, tell me it's going to be okay. What do I do or say? Do I come down harder on her? Or be softer? How the hell does anyone get professional help for their kids in this country and what do you do if they don't want it. What if she doesn't need it ... what if this is just how normal teenage angst plays out in the 2000s??? I don't know.

I am in no position to offer advice, my daughter is also self harming and has given up on life, just gone into care. There is nothing anyone can do unless DD will accept help offered. I just feel for you, it's so isolating being in this position. At least this forum makes you feel less alone. Good luck

Put this somewhere with more traffic.

Thank you brightspark - your post means a lot to me. My thoughts are with you and your daughter too.

ripishere - which thread? I'm quite new here and there's so many boards/topics but most of it seems to be about younger kids/babies?

Hi Sika,

I really felt what you are going through. My DDs has been depressed and maybe self-harming, too. Depression might have been caused by or worsened by drugs/alcohol/substance abuse, I don't know. Verbal abuse, trashing the rooms, really shocking to most people. GP, CAMHS, police, A & E, lots and lots of helplines, self-blame, guilt etc. etc., desparate to help, anger, guilt again - just going in the circle. Despite all this she is constanlty staying out with 'friends' somewhere. No control, no negotiation, nothing at all. She is self-destrutive and it hurts tremendously. Although I know she's the one who is really hurting and suffering I can't help feeling resentful, that's why guilt and self-blame are part of my life now.

I really agree with Brightspark 1. My DD has lots of help and from time to time it seems to be working, but always goes back to square one. Unless DD really determines and accepts she's got to change nobody can do anything.

Brightspark's words
'I just feel for you, it's so isolating being in this position. At least this forum makes you feel less alone.' - this is exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Although it's really tough but we need to switch off and look after ourselves, too. Good luck to us all. xxx

Thank you for your posts. And for the reminder for us to look after ourselves. I will try and see the GP tomorrow to see if they can do anything. I'm sure they are just going to treat it as behavioural rather than mental illness ... but how do I/they tell the difference? I actually know a lot about mental illness and could quite confidently 'diagnose' DD - but I also know that there is a lot of 'normal' teenage stuff that mimics illness and I've no idea whether this is just about me being incapable of parenting.

I so thought I'd find parenting her as a teenager easy. She's always been so good and we've always been so close. Some would say that's the problem - I've always been 'soft' on her (but I've never had to be otherwise). This is breaking my heart.

Today, Mother's Day, was awful. It ended up with her screaming in my face and saying she would effin smash me in the face and swearing nonstop at me. I left the house and she smashed a mirror in my room then walked to go meet her BF. I just feel like I've lost her. She won't talk to me, she won't listen to me. She's acting like I'm being horrible and I'm sure I'm not. I didn't even yell about the mirror, I gave no reaction just made sure she cleaned it up. I don't know whether to be harder on her, kinder on her, ignore her or ...what? How do I talk to her? If she'd listen, what do I say? What if she just starts yelling and swearing at me? More punishment?

And next week she is just going to be at home alone - I have a massive week at work that will require me to be out in the evenings, and we have a house quest and I'm terrified she will go crazy in front of her.

I don't know how to avoid direct confrontation. The alternative is no communication whatsoever. I did try talking about how this time must be hard for her and reminded her that my love for her is unconditional and I will always be proud of what she does and I believe she can find her own path to make herself happy. That I'm always here for her. She acknowledged that a little bit ... but a few hours later was when all the hate and screaming was and she said I always just go off at her and that's why she can never talk to me. She just yells all the time, she's so very very angry all the time.

... and things just escalated. She came in demanding her phone which I have confiscated because a. she ran up a £210 bill by overtexting and hasn't lessened her use of texts and b. of how she acted today. I was sitting on my bed and she tried to push me and my laptop off and then started lifting up my bed. I tried to restrain her as she pushed me, then she started having a 'panic attack' but as I went towards her she lifted up the vaccum cleaner to throw at me so I held her arms again and she kept kicking me in the legs until she ran off into her room and locked the door.

I can't believe this.

I don't want to get police involved at all. They would think it was silly anyway. I just don't know what to do. I think the phone confiscation is causing much of this. She can't cope without it. And she has a new BF who I really don't like who is emotionally messed up with lots of dysfunctional behaviour that I think is just making everything worse. She wasn't like this before she was with him - at least not for any sustained period of time.

Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore...

How about putting her mobile onto a monthly contract with unlimited texts? You can can get these quite reasonably - about £15 per month depending on the phone/network.

I know it might seem like giving in but at least it would remove this particular flashpoint.

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible time, I really feel for you.

i have a friend who's daughter is 14 and appears to be have been self harming and also is sleeping a lot and losing interest in school and friends and her cuts on her arms are isolating her from going on holiday etc. my friend is at a loss of what to do - they are a happy family and she is stunned by it. should she go to the doctor first and take her daughter with her ? i may encourage her to join mumsnet just so as not to feel so alone. It is a start. Any further advice. ?

So sorry you're having such a difficult time. Try the Yound Minds charity - they have a parents' helpline (0808 802 5533) - really helped me to be able to talk to someone about dd's self harming.

And I've just got that telephone number wrong - it is 0808 802 5544 - apologies.

Hi

I would say that a lot of what you describe is 'normal' teenage behaviour - pushing you away, arguing, being defensive, cutting off, being moody, mood swings, impulsive behaviour etc. She is trying to find who she is and this involves a great deal of experimentation, impulsive behaviour and mistakes being made - all adding up to your previously lovely daughter becoming a monster overnight.

They say the teenage brain is not fully developed and is undergoing many changes hence the inability to think things through and make rational decisions.

However, as well as being a mother of a truly awful 15 year old daughter (who has just had to go to live with a friend for a month to give us all a break) I am a Community Mental Health Nurse. I would be concerned about the self-harm and the violence toward you. It sounds as though she needs someone to talk with and sounding out your GP is the first port of call. But, I agree with the other posts, if she does not want to follow anything up you cannot force her.

It might be worth looking into what they offer at school in the way of peer support and other counselling type services - again she might not accept support but it is a possiblity.

Also, look at the positives, if you can!!! She does not smoke, drink or do drugs.

Overall I think your best options are to look after yourself, seek out support for you, read about teenage behaviour, talk to Parentline, get a break if you can and let her know that you are there for her when and IF she wants it. I certainly don't think it sounds as if being more firm is the answer, and you sound lenient enough.

She WILL make mistakes and mess things up, let her know that you will still be there for her when she has to clean up the pieces.

I really do feel for you, I have been in tears about my daughter this weekend and feel I have lost her also.

Sarah

Thank you all so much. I have passed on phone number and I do like this website !!

x