Guides

[ClaireSimone]

My 12 year old daughter was reprimanded at guides this week for being aggressive (verbally) to another girl. While I whole heartedly agree that she should have been told off, i am a little upset that she was taken out of the group and told off in a cupboard.

The guide leader stood by the door, effectively blocking my daughter in. The leader was then surprised that my daughter became completely distressed.

The leader called me the next day to talk about my daughter's behaviour, and implied that she has a personality disorder. She said " I'm not a professional, but your daughter doesn't seem to know she has done anything wrong" she also said "I think she has low self esteem" This woman has known my daughter for 6 weeks!

I have phoned my daughter's school to see if they have ahd any issues with her behaviour and they were puzzled as her behaviour is fine there. She is also at two other activity groups with no problems.

Am I over reacting?

I don't know - you don't say what your reaction is. Have you tackled your DD about her verbal aggression?

I am upset that she was taken into a cupboard. And I have talked to my daughter at length. She is well aware that it was out of order.

I'd ask the leader to talk to you face to face. If still not satisfied, I would contact the district commissioner.

What's the cupboard like? Is it a small cupboard or a large equipment store? Was it the leaders attempt to deal with your DD privately (in the absence of any other private area) or do you feel it was purely about intimidating your DD?

Sounds like you're over-reacting, was there a more appropriate private place to have the chat? Did the scolding go on for more than 2 minutes? I'd see my role as backing up the Leader who has to maintain firm discipline and is doing all this entirely on a voluntary basis, too.

Is WalkyTalky also OP?

Agree with ragged. Also the leaders are voluntary and work bloody hard.

I am assuming you wouldn't have wanted her to be told off in front of the whole group? In which case the options for privacy might be limited to mean that the cupboard was the only possible place - or is your complaint that they should have used a different private place?

I suspect the 'cupboard' is a larger equipment store, rather than wedging her in amongst in the shelves and brooms.

I would also suggest that she was attempting to give your daughter an element of privacy whilst she got told off, whilst placing herself in clear view of the test of the room so that she couldn't be accused of any physical abuse later. It's pretty standard, tbh. You would have been upset if dd had been bawled out for her behaviour in front of anyone, and the guider has to protect herself from unwarranted accusations, so couldn't speak to her truly 'alone'.

Can't comment on her concerns over dd, but what dd did or said must have been pretty awful to have raised such red flags ( and indeed her lack of remorse). I can't sat I've ever bothered to discuss behaviour with any of my uniformed youth group parents, except with one child who was undergoing ongoing assessment for ADHD and co-morbids, and where I felt that feedback might be useful. Most awful behaviour gets dealt with on the spot or ignored. As volunteers, unless there is a real concern, I'd rather not get into 'he said, she said' with parents.

I do it to provide a meaningful activity for youth, not because I have some sort of god complex. I don't get paid, and I spend enough of my time planning and running activities to bother with unnecessary angst and upsetting parents or kids for fun. It's hard enough to retain volunteers anyway, without taking on that sort of remit.

Over reacting. These people give up their free time to put something back into the community and they must wonder why they bother when parents get all stroppy. If I was a guide leader, and someone went off to the District Commissioner about it, I would be tempted to say 'I resign-you do it!'

She was verbally abusive, the leader spoke to her in private. You have talked to her-she is aware she was out of order therefore she shouldn't do it again. Solved-no need to fuss. Would you rather she told her off in front of everyone rather than using sensitivity?

Yes you probably are over-reacting.

OK maybe the leader could have phrased things better when she spoke to you, but it doesn't sound like she did anything wrong.

Assuming your daughter still wants to go to Guides, just ignore it and move on.

Thanks for the feedback.

The cupboard is small and I just felt that this may have made my daughter feel trapped and may be why the situation went from bad to worse.

I felt it would have been better to take her outside.

I haven't got stroppy, i was just upset.

Sorry, this is the first time I've been on mumsnet so don't know what the slang means. OP??

OP is the Opening Post, or Opening Poster. People got confused because your name changed in the middle of the thread.

I am confused as it started in one name and continued in another. Sorry if I was a bit harsh-I just think that people forget that leaders give up hours of time for nothing and so I get annoyed when someone says straight off-go to the District Commissioner instead of having a friendly chat.

i have no intention of reporting anyone and I agree, they work very hard. I wouldn't do it!

Anyway, thanks

Does your DD have claustrophobia, perhaps you didn't realise that until now?

They couldn't take her outside. If she was being verbally aggressive and unpredictable, she might have run off, and believe me, that would be a whole heap of paperwork, and potentially have endangered your dd. particularly as she would have had to leave the door to the hall open and the guider stand in the door frame so that she was still in full view of the other leader/s, for her own protection. Leaving your dd standing completely outside. You would probably have been on here complaining that she was outside in the rain whilst the leader took shelter in the doorway.

Ok thanks for the feedback.