"Teen" son in trouble again - what the heck do I do?

[hattifattner]

My almost teen son has been on report for about 4 weeks at school for persistent chatting, misbehaving and general silliness in class. The school have called me in tomorrow, because no matter what they (or we) do, nothing is having an effect.

EVery lesson he has a special card signed to say if he did well (3s), or a sliding scale to 0s (failed miserably). He is still regularly getting 1s and 0s.

He has been internally excluded twice (into a on-site detention centre) and I fear he might end up with a suspension at this rate.

At home we have clear guidelines:

a "2" gets him a day grounding (no TV/Computer/Phone).
a "1" gets him 2 days grounding.
a "O" gets him a week grounding.

If a grounding day falls on a certain day, that also mean he misses Scouts.

The only thing he has left to take away are his radio which is also his alarm clock, and his sport, at which he trains 5 days a week.

He has no pocket money at the moment because he keeps losing expensive sports kit, which he has to replace from his own money.

We are at wits end knowing what to do next. I do not want to remove the sport, as he is asthmatic, and it really helps keep him well. I could also remove the radio, but after that, I dont know what to do.

He already does chores, so thats not an option.

He is a smart kid, popular (esp with the girls) but doesnt really make close friends that he would invite over (despite our prompting). Doesnt seem to care about this either. He is a terrible show off. His school work is sloppy and in two subjects he barely does anything as he sees them as a waste of time. Sadly one of those subjects is RE and he attends a catholic secondary.

This is not going to end well, is it?

ANyone have any suggestions of things I could try?

Could you not sort of try to treat him like a human being, rather than a dog who responds to treats or punishments?

nappy point taken but it was just an example - you can use anything

I think in that book about teens (something and Divas) the author suggested 10p rather than a bead or a tick.

Gosh OP sounds so much about control here. I actually want to say to you let up on the kid, stop dishing out longer and longer punishments. He's going through a major transition at the moment. Go with the flow a bit. Cut him some slack. Don't double punish over school either, things that go on in school should be sorted out there and left at the door.

Regarding reward charts for a child of this age, my son would laugh his head off (he's 14). Charts are for toddlers.

DS1 was not the best behaved in Years 7 and 8 at school. He had lots of detentions. His behaviour changed overnight when we asked for a meeting with his head of year. She then asked for reports for him from every single teacher. Like Maryz's son it was the "good/strong" teachers who had no trouble with him. The weaker ones did.

What changed his behaviour was his head of year saying that the setting for subjects not only depended on academic ability, but also behaviour. She also told him there were limited spaces in the upper sets and a couple of his friends were in the "competition" for them. Honestly, his behaviour changed overnight. No more reports, not a single detention since then.

He is now in Y12. He has matured so much since then. He is a peer mentor and was in the running for Head Boy (didn't get it, was third behind Head and Deputy, but his HoY would have chosen him said both she and the actual school Head. I don't blame them as he hasn't been as squeaky clean as Head and Deputy).

I can only hope for his and your sake that the chat by your HoY has really brought him up short. DS1 did and still does, however, always tell us everything that happened at school, both good and bad. We use/d it as a time to discuss whether what the way he behaved was the best in each situation and why he behaved like that. Also, perhaps you could explain to him that he now has a reputation for bad behaviour at school and will be blamed for stuff that he may not even do. I know that that happened to DS1 and we kind of told him it was his own fault. I would also say to your DS that whatever happens now at school is down to him and that you cannot control his behaviour at school.

Also, please don't stop the sport or scouts. I would say he needs them to let off steam. Good luck. This too will pass even though it seems like an eternity at the time!

Hatti Your DS's behaviour sounds just like my DS except my DS is now in Yr 10. He is constantly in trouble for low level disruption and is frequently put on report. We see improvements and as soon as he is off report it all goes downhill again. Like Maryz DS, it is only with certain teachers - we have been told that some of his teachers don't understand why he is on report whereas other write down every little misdemeanor, which DS resents as he sees others in the class doing these things without getting into any trouble at all.
Interesting about getting school to deal with the punishments - this came to my mind the other day when one teacher wrote on DS's report that his work was scruffy (it has always been scruffy right through school). DS said it was because he had been perfect in class and as she hates him she had to think of something bad to write!!! (LOL at the fact it took DS & me 2 minutes to decipher what she had written) My immediate thought was 'if the work being scruffy was an issue, then why didn't she make him re-write it'. Surely then he would do it neatly the 1st time next time? I think the report system is good as long as things are put in place for non compliance - just getting a signature from a staff member and a parent each day is no deterrent for my DS.
We only use the computer/PS bans at home for serious incidents at school and on those occasions DS usually imposes them on himself!!!!
We have a meeting with Deputy Head tomorrow to discuss DS's behaviour - might suggest they introduce some of the things Maryz suggests - that should make me popular with DS - not!

I have taken on board your comments on doubling punishment.

I guess we found it soooooooo frustrating day after day to see his report with bad marks for silliness, rudeness, chatting, poor classwork.....we felt that the punishments at school were not/are not working and that fundamentally, ds needs to take repsonsibility for whats going on, because it was always someone else's fault.

I will still use grounding as a punishment if he gets another internal exclusion....this is just not acceptable, in my view, as the last one involved defiance and not accepting the teachers authority - a no-no in my book. The other stuff, we will ease up on.

Its hard, this parenting lark.

I also asked him why he doesnt want to bring mates home. Its because theres "nothing to do" apparently. WHen I asked what he would be doing at other peoples houses, it was all "well they have Xboxes and PSPs" - well you have a wii. "Yeah but we've got rubbish games" well what is it you want to play? "well, stuff like call of duty" - ERRR You Are 12! APparently "all my friends play shooting games..."

So can anyone recommend a Wii game that involves blood gore and random death acts that are suitable for a 12yo? Because Im so unfair.

(I should point out that when he comes home from school, and if he is not training, he and his mate our outside climbing trees, kicking the football around, riding bikes, playing on skateboards, jumping on the trampoline....but he has "nothing to do..." )

Other people's houses are always more exciting, that's normal.

We have a limit of 15 on xbox games (my DS1 is 13) - Assassins Creed is popular and not too tension-inducing. We have Halo Reach as well but this seems to make DS edgy so he doesn't play it much. Or Forza Motorsport is absolutely fine from a parental point of view but still has some "cred". Xbox is cooler than wii at this age, I'm afraid. But MarioKart wii still seems to be ok, do you have that?

Wii is considered to be babyish I'm afraid.
Yes I have a general rule that when my boys say "but everyone else is allowed" I take it with a pinch of salt.
Except that in the case of x box it is true. I know not one child in either of their friendship groups who does not own one. I stuck it out until DS1 was 13 and then got one, meaning of course that DS2 had access to x box from 11.The positives are that they can chat on line to friends when they play (we live miles from civilisation).
Now there would be a good reward for a u turn in behaviour...?

so secret - xbox or psp/ps3 whatever its called. God help me if I get the wrong thing!

My DS says PS3 - as you have to pay to play x box on line whereas PS3 is free to play online with your mates.But then I guess it depends on what his mates have got! (Incidentally I made DS buy his own PS3 - a fact he reminds me of everytime I ban him from it! Although I am quick to remind him it is not much use without the electricity and wi-fi that I pay for!!!)

Forza is bloody fab.

ds has an Xbox. He's only in Y6 though, and his circle haven't got into online gaming yet. Ryoko often gives good advice re games over on Chat - worth asking there I reckon.

Interesting to read what others are saying about strong and weaker teachers. As I read the OP, I wondered if the school isn't a good fit for your son. They seem to be coming down like a ton of bricks; zero tolerance works well with some children, backfires horribly with others.

Yes it needs to be the same as friends.
If it is to be a bribe reward then surely he needs to know?
It's possible to play x box off line but if your friends have x box and you have PS3 you can't play in the same game on line together.
It's possible to chat to unknown morons people on xbox but DS only talks to real life friends.
Skyrim is a favourite here plus Fifa and the dreaded COD.
DS2 often plays Minecraft with friends and chats via Skype.
Sometimes when DS1 has friends for a sleepover one of them will bring a second console and they will set up a four way game somehow.

What does he say about it?

I was difficult in school, especially when bored (we weren't set for any of the subjects I loved and was good at). I was also having a lot of problems during my teens with a lot of things. Maybe if he doesn't have that many friends he feels it's a way to fit in and be liked as the class clown? It could be so many things.

I'd also remind that some children can't concentrate on that many subjects. I really couldn't, especially the aspects I found and still find pointless and uninteresting. In order to get A*s at GCSE, I had to get C's in Maths and Science and not work as hard in them. It's just the way my mind works. I found quite a few of us were like this. :)

Firstly, don't for heaven's sake get rid of the sport - he will just have more time to hang around feeling resentful. Also if he stops sport now, he won't go back to it, and sport for teenage boys is a great way of releasing energy and mixing with kids who are "doers" rather than "hangers-around" iykwim.

Secondly, can you separate "home" behaviour and "school" behaviour in some way - it might be better to let the school punish him at school and you deal with his behaviour at home.

Sometimes you do get to the stage where you have applied all the punishments and the child has got to the stage where there is no point in him even trying, he can never be "good enough" and he gives up. You don't want to get to this stage, so you need to have at least some positive reinforcement.

Really excellent points and post, agree with this and the statements of more carrots and much less sticks