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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

16yo DD Webcam Worries

5 replies

Disturbed · 10/03/2012 20:09

Last night I got up in the middle of the night and walked in on my 16 (nearly 17) year old daughter naked in front of a webcam for the benefit of a slightly older boy at her school. This is a boy that she's 'fancied' for a while but has told her he isn't interested in a relationship. I've since discovered from her younger brother that there have been rumours going round school about this, so it's obviously not the first time (and the boy involved is obviously not the most respectful nor discreet). She is a high achiever - very intelligent, beautiful (yeah, I know - biased, lol) and talented but obviously has significant self-esteem issues. She has yet to have a boyfriend and seems fairly desperate for one but is going about it completely the wrong way. I don't know where to start to address this or where to get information that I can use to hammer home to her the dangers to herself and her reputation from this sort of behaviour. I'm also not sure what to do as regards the parents of the other party - I would need to go through the school for this and am reluctant to make too big a public fuss for fear of humiliating her and possible repercussions from the boy involved. I've refrained from losing my temper over this - I'm more confused and disappointed than anything else, but have removed internet access from her in the meantime.

OP posts:
ripsishere · 11/03/2012 06:44

Shock I have no idea. I am sure there will be someone with useful advice though.
Consider this a bump.

frenchfancy · 11/03/2012 08:29

My first thought is to get rid of the webcam. I think you then need to talk to her about the repercussions of this.

There is an educational video somewhere which covers exactly this scenario. Perhaps someone else has a link to it.

I think at this age you need to make it clear that anything you do is to protect her. Getting angry is definately not going to solve anything.

Not much help, but with 3 DDs you have certainly made me concerned for the future. Good luck

uruculager · 11/03/2012 09:34

If she has a camera on her phone you may want to take that and check it too.

I understand your reticence about contacting the boy, but you may want to think twice about it. I've heard that girls have moved on from sending pictures by email or phone to nude Skyping because they assume the images don't "stay there" if you know what I mean. They think that they're just streaming across.

Unfortunately, it's very simple for boys to take screen shots or to record the whole exchange, especially on a mac. If he has pictures or video of her he's committing a crime and could easily use them to blackmail her in to doing something again. This probably doesn't outweigh your concerns about embarrassing your daughter even further but you should be aware of the chance that he still has pictures or video of her.

allthingspass · 13/03/2012 15:44

Disturbed, I have been through this with my own DD recently, who not only sent pictures but also a video of herself to boys at school. You must, I repeat must, contact the school as soon as possible to sort this out. I shied away from doing this only to have the whole thing come back and bite us again a few weeks later. Fortunately in my case the boys involved destroyed the pictures and did not pass them on, but even so word got out about what had happened and my daughter went through a horrendous few months of bullying and being ostracized at school as a result. She still has to put up with a few ignorant boys making lewd comments whenever she walks by, but thanks to the school's actions, and the passage of time, this is mercifully gradually stopping.

What I have learnt is that these things will never just go away, there will always be some nasty little sod who will throw it back in her face. The boy involved in your daughter's case is breaking the law by having these pictures, and I'm sorry, but so is your daughter by sending them. You really need to talk to her school, they will almost certainly have come across this before and will know what to do. They will also be able to make sure that any pictures are removed from the boy's PC/phone - just hope that it's not too late.

Like my DD, yours is probably suffering from self-esteem and confidence issues too, and this is really not going to help her. Believe me, any humiliation she may feel from you going to her school about this is nothing to what she will feel if the pictures get circulated. My daughter is now having counselling, arranged by her school, and it is really helping her. I feel I failed as a parent in not realising how low her self-esteem was and allowing her too much freedom with the internet and her phone. She is no longer allowed to use her phone or laptop upstairs where we can't see what she is doing. I only wish I had done that years ago.

Your DD needs you to act to protect her and help her deal with her low self-esteem. I completely understand how upsetting and difficult it is but please please do not wait, contact her school straight away.

Let me know how you get on. I wish you and your daughter all the best, you have a difficult time ahead of you but this issue will not solve itself, you need to be strong for your DD now. My relationship with my DD is now stronger and closer than it's ever been, and I'm sure that yours will be too.

Good luck!

LaurieFairyCake · 13/03/2012 15:50

show her this education video

Talk to her about the fact that it could be out there on the internet forever as it could be recorded.

Disable the webcam/block internet access for the phone - tell the school, get them on board pastorally. Get some counselling for your daughter so that she can work on issues with her self esteem.

Keep her busy, encourage hobbies etc.

Good luck Smile

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