13 yr old dd conflicted about her primary schl best friend

[honeybun11]

Hi there! I'm new to mumsnet but really need to get some advice about my 13 yr old dd (in yr 8).
At primary schl she had a very close friend, let's call her G (not her real initial!) - they had been friends since they were toddlers.

From about yr5 at primary schl G started getting into what dd calls 'sulks' which could last for weeks at a time where she would blank and cold shoulder dd, refuse to speak to her/play with her/hang out. G was always in control and these 'sulks' only came to an end when G decided to end them. Many times dd would be in the position of apologising to G, writing her little notes or letters, etc - usually the 'offence' would be trivial eg not sitting next to G in a lesson.
Dd and G went off to separate 2ndary schls but remained close (eg dd would leave 20 mins early every morning to call for G and travel part way to schl together). The sulks continued, in fact, they got worse. G has been upsetting dd more and more (eg recently made a comment about her being overweight to some other primary schl friends); I can't count the hours we've spent discussing G and what to do about her.
I know that G has pretty serious family issues including a quite seriously abusive situation at home. Dd has some idea about this but not whole story.
Dd sees G regularly at various after-school and weekend activities, and at present they are barely speaking and it is very awkward.
Just had another long chat with dd. Dd is not clear whether or not she wants to remain friends with G. I have advised her

1. to wait a while until her feelings crystallise - at some point she will know whether (a) she doesn't want to be friends with G as G too controlling/hurtful or (b) she does want to be friends despite everything, as they have been friends so long and do care about one another still now.
2. in the meantime to be nice and polite to G whenever they meet but not go out of her way to engineer meet-ups - it would be unfair to give G mixed messages.
3. whatever happens, to try not to cross the line into bitching about G to mutual friends, or trying to disrupt G's friendships with others.

This is really really tough for dd. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What advice would you give me or dd? Thanks!

I think your advice sounds fine. Does your DD have good friends at school? She should focus on those and move G to her 'outer circle' of friends for now.

Your advice sounds excellent, Honeybun. Your DD deserves good treatment from her friends, she will have other people like this in her future life, too, sadly, so she has to learn how to distance from people who aren't good for her own mental well being.

Thank you very much, wellwisher and ragged. It's reassuring to have your views.
Wellwisher: yes, she does have several good friends at secondary school, plus keeps in touch with some very nice primary school friends too. So that makes things easier.
Ragged: thank you - indeed she does deserve good treatment, but it's hard to know what to say when I suspect the reason G is being so awful is that she herself is having a bad time at home.
The other tricky thing is that I am very friendly with G's mum (we originally met through the kids, but are now friends independently of that) but at present dd doesn't want me to say anything to G's mum (and luckily she hasn't asked what's up between the girls).
Honeybun xx

Your DD can't fix her, HB11. It's one of those hard lessons of life. & your DD is no good to anybody if she's too upset by just one friend.

I have crazy people in my family & had to learn to distance from them, too. I am not strong enough to be around them much without losing equilibrium a bit myself. We're all entitled to self-preservation.

I went through the same with my dd age now 16, to be honest they sorted it out themselves, they have now got their own friends, they practically ignore each other to the face, don't speak at school but funnily enough comment on each others facebook statuses with really nice things like got lovely hair, was best friend at primary school.
I find that a little odd but keep out of it as the family are neighbours and it did cause bad feelings, everyone got a bit upset about the fall outs but no one really said anything about it and still 3 years on its still not great but as adults we all just get on with it, to be honest keep out of it unless you have to.
I was very good friends with the mum and it did spoil everything but life moves on, mum thought my dd was being nasty to her daughter but actually they just weren't talking and when I told my dd to rise above it and talk to her she used to get a mouthful but her mum never knew that.
It just turned out that as they got to high school they really were very different, my dd was more interested in joining in clubs, socialising, having fun and was quite popular, the other girl had different interests and they naturally grew apart.

Thank you l.t.m.a.! It is really great to hear from someone who has been through it before; your situation sounds very similar. I think it is good advice to stay out of it; in particular I feel that unless my dd authorises me to say sthg to the mum, I shouldn't say anything. I have been worrying that the mum might ask me what's going on with the girls, but to be fair she is probably sensitive enough not do so so.

Ragged - yes, thank you for that. Sometimes it is hard to see what's best because of all the emotion involved in a situation - horrid to see G (and, tbh, G's mum) going thru a bad time at home. So thank you for reminding me that my dd can't cure G or sort out her situation.

xx

Just bumping this in case any weekday mumsnetters have any views!

I think your advice to her has been fine. The only thing I'd maybe add has already been mentioned about the inner/outer circles of friends - friendship can seem such an "all or nothing" deal when you're 13, when you are either "friends" or "not friends" and deciding which you are is emotionally fraught. Whereas most adults have varying degrees of friendship, where there are people we chat to when we meet, but don't spend all our available time with. People we enjoy, but who take a lot of energy. People who are lovely in small doses. And, honestly, people we can't fix.

If you can get her to see friendship more in those terms, then she can decide how deep things should be, and how she wants to approach the situation. She can be "friendly" without being always available, or being hurt by her friend's problems and the way she lashes out in reaction to them.

If the mum does ask, you can just make vague commets about how things change as they get older, specially with being at different schools. But she probably won't, as I'm sure she remembers being 13 herself!

Thank you, A.M.I.S! I have tried talking to her about the degrees of friendship thing, and I think you are right about reinforcing that.

And thank you, yes, my dd and I have agreed that if the mum does ask me, I'll say something suitably vague about them seeing each other less now they are at secondary school.

I am so grateful to all of you for your support and advice: thank you!

xx