16 almost 17 boy skip school regularly, reacts violently when spoken...

[elisan]

My son skips school 1/2/3 days a week every week, just can't get up in the morning and when spoken to he reacts violently towards furniture or to myself. I am a single mum and we live with another boy who goes to same school and his friend since they were in kindergarten.
He says he is too tired in the morning to get up.
I am sure he is falling behind his school work and his gcse exam is coming up very soon.
He has no motivation and says he is depressed, and the school facilitated him to have a counselling for 6 times, and has ended yesterday.
I am worried that now counselling has finished, he has no mental support from outside world since he really does not wish to talk with me at all.
He looks he is rotting away in this filthy room lying there all day and night, often on computer which is set by his bed.
This has been going on, on and off since he was 14, and progressed steadily worse. He makes me feel hostile in my own home sometimes, and I feel angry for this young man wasting everything, youth.. opportunity to study..I also feel I need to join local support group for single parents with teenagers, and if you have any info how to find it, I really appreciate it.
I am based in Herts.
Thank you for your help in advance.

Sounds very familiar :( Search these threads for posts by Maryz who gives good advice. Look after yourself.
I don't live anywhere near you so don't know about local support. But if you go to your local council's website and search for 'family support' or 'parenting support' you will probably find some info. Also, Google 'Gingerbread', which is a national org for single parents.

Have you considered removing the computer for a little while, just to see?

It won't make him feel less depressed if you do, but it might make things less complicated and whirly.

Also you need to be firm and take a stand, and make him feel taken care of and not in charge. 16 is not too old to boss around...when was the last time he had a bedtime? Is that a totally ridiculous thing to say.

Thank you for your advise, flow4.
I just had most nasty fights with him.. and feel little shaky.
I will go to the threads now and have a good read, and will check local coucil support and the Gingerbread.

Thank you, quirrelquarrel for your advise.
He is almost 17 and I feel I no longer have any influence anymore, and if I try to boss him, I just get rude and violent reaction.
It is really hard that unlike your relationship, I can't walk away from this situation when it is my child...

Get him to talk to his GP.

have you any parents/relatives that can talk to him?
help him see the wood for the trees.
perhaps lay off the school work and the two of you sort out his room. take him out and have a chat about the future?

Thank you, Selks.
I have asked him to visit his GP, but he refuses. It's just all suggestion comes from me, he does not want to corporate..unfortunately . This makes real hard, because I can not physically force 17 years old boy !

Thank you for your thoughts, Slartybartfast
I have no relatives in this country, they live abroad and they don't speak same language ! makes things just more isolated for me..
Have a good friends through, and will try.
It's get to the point I feel no connection to him anymore, and he definitely does not wish to spend a time with me.. constantly get' ' Fxxx off!' and 'Go Away!' as a reply. Miss the time I use to be able to 'take him out and chat'...

i'm in the same place as you....i have a dd who has missed school for almost a year now...missed most of her gcses in the past 6 weeks too..i have tried talking to her..and friends, and counselling....nothing has helped..i have come to realise that if she wants to do it she will...and nothing i can do will help..sorry if i have not helped you...but i have come to understand that they need to do this on their own...and be there when they need us afterwards...

Thank you for sharing, wearymum.
You have help me lots by sharing your thoughts and experience with your daughter.
I think what you say is totally right, and the ultimate answer to these kind of issue of teens, nevertheless it is really hard for mums to achieve..believe...

Do you have any suspicions that he is smoking cannabis? Because he sounds as if he is.

Tired, lethargic and lashing out when questioned are all big, red warning signs.

It definitely sounds drug related to me.

Where does the other boy come into this? Why are you living with him/he living with you? Does he have parents/family?

Are you giving your son or the other boy money?

Whose is the computer?

I would take the computer away, make sure you don't give him any money. If you are scared of him or think he may be violent, call the police.

Elisan, I am coming to the same conclusion as Wearymum. When they are this age, if they decide to behave badly like this, there is nothing much we can do about it. One of the most useful things anyone ever said to me was that teenagers can be like hurricanes... You don't say "How can I stop that hurricane?" because you can't. You say "How can I survive?" It sounds dramatic, but it does feel like that if you are living with a difficult teen. You need to do the equivalent of getting in the storm shelter, or leaving town, or tying everything down, or whatever. Only YOU can know what you need to do to survive. For me, I have got locks fitted to stop him stealing, I always challenge bad behaviour and tell him I don't like it even if I can't stop it, I do nice things for myself to balance out the nastiness, and I call 999 if he is aggressive and I feel threatened. That's my bottom line. I hope for more, and sometimes I get it. But when he's behaving badly again, it helps me to be clear about my own limits.

I agree with flow4 , have had to call the police when DD attacked me- horrible but necessary. Taking computer out of his bedroom is a good idea, any idea what he is doing on it?
The hurricane analogy makes sense, but I'm finding it really difficult x- it feels like all normal life has stopped and I can't see an end to it.

Thanks, Al0uise
I think he does not take dope,but he is a regular smoker.

Thank you, 3littlefrogs.
I feel quite sure that he has no access to drugs,although his behaviour is like one..Another boy is like my son's brother who has been a good friends since kindergarten, attended the same school all the way who is commuting from far, so he moved in with us to be close to the school during the school time.
He goes home on the weekend, and I know his family well.
Last episode of his outburst of lashing out to me happened when he is not around on the weekend.
I have called the police few years back when he smashed furniture and walls, and the police were brilliant.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, flow4
It must be hard, and I feel for you.
I often feel 'why can't he be like other normal boys out there plays football and happy!' I am totally aware of how silly it is for me to think like that, but I can not help to feel down time to time.
I would pay more attention to nurture myself to get strength to deal with the situation.

Thank you for the share,Brightspark1
The computer is so integrated to his life and I am scared what sort of reaction I will get from him if I force to remove it, to be honest with you.
It is so easy to think the future negatively from his place.. skipping school-falling behind study-bad exam result-no jobs-more emotional complication-would he be violent to his future girlfriend? etc etc..