Having trouble with my teenage son

[mrsmobbs]

Hi I am new to this, but desperate for some advise. I am 53 with a son who has just turned 13. He is really bright and attends an independant school where he is in the top 3 out of 117 pupils in his year. He is really eloquent which is where the problems begin. We are a normal family, live in a nice house and my husband has a good job, but I was brought up in a 1 parent family in a council house, so do not take what we have for granted, neither does my husband. T on the otherhand appears to vocally despise anyone from a council house, on benefits, foreign, any religion in fact anyone who he deems to be not to his liking. He is very vocal about all subjects on the news and can see no other point but his own, even though we desperately try to make him see that everyone has the right to there own opinions and to live how they like.

On top of this he is openly rude and hostile towards me, he is great with his dad, but he calls me the large one, as I am a bit overweight, he pushes me around - say's he is only playing, he orders me about and calls me his slave, again this is supposed to be a joke. It has now got so bad that I could leave him and could not care less if he died. What kind of mother does that make me, I have absolutely no feelings for him whatsover.

We have tried sending him to bed, confiscating things, banning him from going out, stoppoing friends coming round, saying we will remove him from his school, in fact everything but nothing works. I hate being left alone with him and going on holiday or out with him is hell, the last time we went out for a day I had been reading on the journey and nothing untoward had been said, but I go to get out of the car and he said "do you like looking like you do, aren't you embarrased - I am 5ft 4" and size 16 - 18 hardly gross. Needless to say it spoilt my day.

Tonight I gave a friend a lift who he does not thinks fits with his idea of the perfect world and he was openly rude, but just cannot see what he is doing wrong. Our neighbours are deaf and dumb and he take the mickey out of them even when he thinks they can't see. and doesn't care if they do.

Does anyone know where I can get some help, before I do something serious or just walk out.

I am having similar concerns about my son of 15 and his arrogant behaviour and how to deal with it without alienating him and destroying our relationship. The comments above are all helpful, but what has struck me is mrs mobbs own personal history (in particular her relationship with her own mother) and how that is informing her relationship with her son who appears to be an only child ( read centre of the universe in his and his parents' eyes? ). I feel the need to hold the family together at all costs (having grown up in a family that felt insecure) but am realising that tough lessons like the ones suggested above do not need to destroy the family or the relationship and our children will actually thank us for stopping them turning into arrogant twats who will really struggle to fulfill their potential in life ( which of course will be the fault of others in their eyes). In the real world you get back what you put out and if they put out "arrogant self centred twat" they are going to get the corresponding response.

Mrs mobbs - have you thought about speaking to the school? My son is at an independent school and the head of house is responsible for pastoral care. They are professionals who deal with this sort of problem all the time. Surely this is part of what you pay for. This is my next step.

Other next steps for me are to have a frank discussion with my son about what is acceptable behaviour and I like the idea of taking away privileges and luxuries and him earning them back. Our children are incredibly indulged (in my case driven by fear of losing them) but it's not doing any of us any good.

The lady who has the 33 year old son now - please tell us what you have learnt with hindsight

You wouldn't care if he died?!
Thats quite worrying do you think you could be depressed?
Teenagers can be vile creatures my DD has her moments (or hours,days,weeks,months) Then she turns angelic for a day or two to remind me underneath she isn't all bad . He is young enough to change now so nip it in the bud I remove phone as a last resort when shes rude and its the only thing that works.Her room is still a pigsty and she puts no effort into much but i'm trying to pick my battles so I don't spend 24/7 arguing! Phones and screens tend to be the things they treasure so take them if he disrespects you .