Crying because he's being so horrible

[CuttedUpPear]

DS (nearly 15) is in the bottom set for Maths. He looks like he is going to fail all his GCSEs at this rate so I have been doing work in kind (gardening) for him to have private maths lessons for an hour once a week.
Today his private tutor told me that DS has not been doing his homework properly (spoiling the papers) and that he needs to work on his times tables which are dreadfully lacking.

I've had a word with DS about this and have confiscated his laptop (which he is umbilically attached to) and also his ipod until his homework for this week is done neatly and he is showing real application to learn his tables.

I have never been reduced to tears like this before - I'm on the sofa today in lots of pain because I've just had a set of injections in my back which bruise like hell.
I pleaded with DS to leave me alone because he followed me downstairs and screamed and screamed at me. He's punching the walls and jumping up and down and shaking the whole house. I feel that he's a bully just like his father was to me.

How long it is reasonable do you think to expect him to take to get his tables into his head? I'm thinking of 2 hours a night for 3 nights a week then again the next week?
Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.
In the time it took to write this, DS has walked in sheepishly with a cup of tea for me (also a first). But I feel it's part of a cycle I'm not happy with.

Oh I really don't know how to help but I just wanted to offer a hug and sympathy. I have a stepson the same age-ish and when you are trying so hard to help and they treat you like that it is very painful, more so than they can be aware of I'm sure. (and I'm sure more so for you when he's your own child)

I'm hoping it's a passing phase for you and someone will be along to offer you more help than a hug.

I'm looking into apps and games now and have just told him that we might do that tonight.
But everything I suggest he tries to bargain me down on. I'm on my own (DD at Uni) and really feeling it now. Even though I've brought him up along for 12 years.

NatashaBee too damn right it's worrying that he's struggling with his times tables. I am in contact with the school all the time but I think they have reached the point with him where they gloss it over because it's too close to GCSEs (2013) to admit that he won't pass.
My mum was a teacher and she told me that it was policy to make the parent feel ok rather than pointing up worrying levels of underachievement at this stage.

DS is supposed to be in for SN assessment with the NHS but I've heard nothing for months and have been warned that it will take a really long time.
However he tells me and his teacher that he doesn't do the work or the revision of tables because he is lazy. His words.

He is on app now for times tables games but I need to find a way to check his learning...any suggestions?

Test him afterwards. Which tables is he learning? Call out a few questions to him once he's finished the times tables games.

I was in the same boat a year ago with DD, she was very lazy at school .. i have no idea what changed her .. but this time last year she was looking at a G in Maths .. today she came home and told me she got 93 out of 100 in the Maths, as is guaranteed a C .

I did keep telling her if she wanted to end up like me, then carry on the way she was going.. guess she didnt wanna be like me after all :)

I left him with my computer for an hour while he did stuff on the BBC maths website, lots of games there.
We ended up doing some more online maths games together and the mood here changed.
I have still got his technology confiscated and he has offered the promise on his dog's life (that's a bit scary actually) that he will do an hour a day on maths and not give me cheek when I tell him to do it.

I am bloody exhausted.

I don't have any advice on the teenage bit, but I do have an idea about times tables: try learning them while swimming. I use times tables to help me keep a rhythm while swimming lengths and find that the time between strokes gives plenty of time for working out the next one if I don't know it (I like the awkward ones such as 13 and 17 but there's no reason it couldn't work for the standard 12). I can usually complete one table per length, so even if he aimed for half that he could revise all of them through a couple of times or just the tricky ones repeatedly during a half hour session. It's very soothing, too

I think I will keep up with the online games as they seem more interesting tan writing it out or chanting by rote (don't think I could cope with that!).
The swimming thing sounds interesting but I think it would be hard to implement, esp as DS seems to be quite pleased about how lazy he is.

He was really nice this morning and offered me breakfast in bed, however I know this is directly linked to the fact that he wants his laptop back. I will see how nice he continues to be once he's done his hours maths tonight and then has it back...I think it won't last.

I'm feeling bloody sad and a bit lonely living with just DS (and the dog, thank f*% for the dog). My DP has moved out an hours' drive away though we are still together and getting on well. DD is at Uni now and I really miss her. She rang up DS yesterday evening to give him a talking to, I love her.

Oh CuttedUpPear I'm so sorry you're getting this shit. My DSS was like this last year with his GCSEs - constantly bargaining down the work he was supposed to do as revision for his exams. Regrettably, he didn't pass. :(

It seemed to help (a bit) when DH took DSS in to work with him during the holidays, so that he could study in a "work environment". I know your DP is living an hour away, but could he help with some specific study periods, so that the different formats/environments could help keep your DS's interest?

Make sure that your DS continues to show respect to you though. Stomping about making the house shake is unacceptable behaviour. To be said quietly and firmly, with the MN Death Stare.

Hello MrsGypsy. It's a good point about getting DS into work situations - in fact I'm taking him in with me tomorrow where the company I work for are doing a skill share session. He'll learn about electrical supply and safety, and do some practical work too. Next week he's doing a metal welding and cutting day.

I have just about convinced DS to come, although he says he would like the day off school but doesn't want to work. However he's on best behaviour still (doing the hours maths right now) and is conscious that our big upset yesterday won't be brushed under the carpet. He is being respectful and sweet.

DP offered to take DS to work with him (on a film set) a few months ago but DS couldn't be bothered/wasn't interested. As soon as one of us tries to encourage the slightest interest he shows in anything, he goes off it.

I have never cried like that because of him before. The death stare, yes; shouting myself, yes, too often; ignoring him too; and sometimes, if /I can, laughing at him. I still feel shaken.

What happened with your DS in the end? Did he retake? The constant bargaining down is frustrating and tiring isn't it.

Just a thought:

"DS is supposed to be in for SN assessment with the NHS but I've heard nothing for months and have been warned that it will take a really long time.
However he tells me and his teacher that he doesn't do the work or the revision of tables because he is lazy. His words."

If you were a 15yo wouldn't you rather people thought you were lazy than that you had SN?

I have an 11yo who does the bare minimum and never misses an opportunity to inform us that working hard at school is silly. I know perfectly well that the reason for this is that he does have minor SN and is terrified of being in a situation where he is trying hard and still can't do it. He prefers us to think he can't do it because he isn't trying. He is desperate that nobody should find out that he has a disability as he can't bear his mates to think he is different.

Not saying this is necessarily the case with your ds, but low self confidence rather than being horrible is always a possibility to be investigated when a young lad doesn't seem to make the most of himself.

cory good point. This may well be the case.
Although DS takes a (sometimes irrational) pride in being different from the others at school.

CuttedUpPear you won't be surprised to hear that the retake didn't go any better for my DSS as bizarrely he still thought doing the minimum amount of revision would be enough. He failed spectacularly. He is now meant to be doing his 2nd retake, but as he doesn't go to ANY of the maths classes he is on line for either a) complete and utter fail or b) a No Show. Don't even ask how the A levels are going.

I hope you can avoid what the situation that we currently have. I now believe that we have tried to push a little square peg into a little round hole and it doesn't quite fit. The pressure today to have academic qualifications is such that kids, who in the past would have been apprentices or have another vocational skill, are being put forward for courses and exams that are academically way beyond them. It sounds good that your DS continued on with his maths work after the second day. We would never have managed that with DSS. Maybe your DP could offer/enforce that day on the film set again? DS might be more receptive, and the more external experience he gets the better.

I suspect that your DS is more along the lines of "typical teenage boy" bleah bleah bleah, and maybe flexing the machismo a bit because some weird thought is running through his head that he's the man of the house now. If you think he is trying to assume the alpha male role, maybe this is a conversation you could have with him and/or your DP. He IS growing up, so there's a fine line to tread by all. Not easy. I hope your DP is supportive in this bit, as I think he could/should reinforce the "respect your Mum" message. Your DS sounds a little bit between a repentant child who knows he shouldn't have upset you like that and is a bit scared about what might happen next, and a lion cub who's discovered that he's almost grown up and can roar.

Thanks for that kind post MrsGypsy.
Actually DP was never the man of our house, that has always been me! DP used my house as a base for a while when he was moving back from living abroad and being quite ill too, but I've lived alone with the DCs for 12 years so it hasn't been a huge shift for the household, as we often have long term visitors.
However DD going off to Uni has left me feeling a bit forlorn.

What you say about square pegs and round holes really rings true. I feel the same and think that this kind of schooling doesn't get the best out of everyone.
I would home school if I could, but I work so it's not possible. Also DS really likes D&T which I couldn't provide at home.

I took DS to work with me yesterday where our company were running a skill share workshop. He learnt about electrics and power supply. Next week he'll learn some welding. I had great hopes for this but he was just shruggy and monosyballic afterwards, maybe next week will be better.