I've posted quite a lot about our situation. 18 months ago, DP's DN came to live with us. He has been brought up by his granny (DP's mum) since his parents died when he was a little baby. She is a very lax parent and he was getting quite wild, dreadful behaviour at school etc. He is 14.
In the 18 months he has been with us he has improved dramatically and is now doing well at school. He is sometimes rude but it's less and less often now, I am firm in stating it's not on and he is usually sweet as anything afterwards (his version of an apology, which is fine by me).
The is one situation when it all goes terribly wrong and that's when granny visits, it seems having me, his current 'mother' and granny, who has brought him up, together in the same room makes him behave terribly. Granny came to visit yesterday and he was just jaw-droppingly rude from the moment she arrived to the moment she left. Mimicking my voice, swearing, saying I was an idiot, commenting on every single thing I said as being stupid, saying I was racist, snobbish, etc. He also told granny to shut up.
He plays us off against each other, telling granny he has an awful time with us and is never ever happy, never does anything nice. For example, granny will talk to me and say, is DN ok, he seems very unhappy and I'll really? We've just made a curry from scratch and went to the beach with DS stopping off at the shops to get ice cream for pudding and talked about stuff, did he not mention that? Maybe he feels liking me is a betrayal of granny (subconsciously) or maybe he feels the need to make it awful when she's here so as not to give the game away. I don't know.
However, it was so awful yesterday I feel I have to deal with it as it has happened every single time we are together.
I was going to tell him that due to his choices in his behaviour he must either talk about it, apologise or in some way acknowledge it, move forward and strive for it not to happen again or, if he cannot do that, I will have to ask Granny to meet him elsewhere as I will not have such behaviour in my house. This will means realistically Granny won't be able to see DS who is also her grandchild. I would of course talk to granny about it - she will understand as she wants to resolve this although utterly clueless about how to deal with him.
Or should I just tell him his behaviour was hugely out of order and move on, as granny only visits rarely anyway.
It was an awful visit and I'm seething now, which is always a bad time take action and a good time to post on here.