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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

15yr Old Daughter pushing it too far

22 replies

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 09:09

As I've said she is 15 now, there have always been problems but we have never had any help or support from anyone when needed, I took her to try and kill someone at school (to the point where the police were called in a charges were nearly pressed) this was last November (she was 14 at the time) obviously she was excluded from school for this and the decision to put her on a positive referral was made, this has taken 3 months to be put into action and she has only just started to return to school last week, 1 hour a day/3 days a week after school hour, this is also in the conjuncion with the CSS. Because of this situation we found our self going back to the doctors and finally getting a referral to CAMHS, of which she has now met them 4 times and only 3 of them were with a psychologist. There are many issues we need to deal with daily, stealing (large amounts of money from friends homes), threats, antisocial behaviour, drugs, drinking,self harm...etc. The people she is around are of the same attitude and not a help at all (I was even threatened by one of her older friends). She also is a compulsive liar and has accused people of thing with are not true and we are waiting for the next serious lie.

We also have a son who will be 5 this year and her attitude toward him is terrible and he has been hurt through her actions. We (her mother & I) are now at the end of our tether and have found we have hit a dead end. Neither of us trusts her in our home, she is wreaking the neighbourhood and causing a disruption with our neighbours.

We have thought about getting her to stay with her grandmother, but there are issues there and she doesn't even want to see her anymore, her 'real' dad isn't a option. We feel we are not getting any support and feel that even with all the people involved we are getting nowhere, I have got to the point where I will do everything to keep out of her way (she doesn't like me & will do anything to upset me), I am concerned for my sons safety and am probably over protecting him, he now shares a bed with my partner and I and is if possible never left with her. We feel we can't take her out anywhere as she kicks off at random people in the street, and we can't leave her in the home as we don't know what will be stolen but her or the people she lets in. Though myself and my partner are still strong and supportive of each other, this is obviously causing strain on our relationship & I not 100% sure how long we will last as a family.

If there is anything you can suggest or advice you can offer (we on the verge of considering getting her put into care) I would be so thankful, Its taken a long time to find any support for the parents and I'm glad I have, it is sad to see that we aren't the only ones with these problems but also a bit of a relief.

Thanks in advance for any help or advice anyone can give.

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purplecupcake · 05/03/2012 09:30

Firstly i admire you for sticking around, Its not many men would put up with such awful behaviour from someone elses child.

I cant offer much advise as my DD changed alot of her ways when the police got involved. The youth offending team usually have some great advice and help in these situations.

I would however take every luxury away that she has, she doesnt deserve anything the way she is treating people.

MoreBeta · 05/03/2012 09:40

My niece was behaving very similar to this at age 15 and her mother (my sister) was at her wits end. Eventually, my niece was found a sort of safe house place by social services where she could live away from home but still visit home. It seemed to relieve the pressure and things calmed down.

I'm sorry I don't know exactly what the programme or facility is called but now my niece is a very responsible young woman doing well for herself. She just needed to leave home and be given total responsibility for her own life with the consequences explained to her of further law breaking. It worked.

MoreBeta · 05/03/2012 09:43

Incidentally, the main reason for my niece's behaviour was that she 'worshipped' her real dad but he was absent although lived near. It was only after he explained to her that he didn't want her either if she behaved this way that the message got through. My niece went to live with her real dad for a while but he also kicked her out because of her behaviour.

Can the 'real dad' in this case be any help?

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 09:49

Thank you both purplecupcake & Morebeta.

Unfortuanlly Her 'real' dad left her when she was 6 and she hasn't seen him since, she has recently been in touch with him online as he now lives in Holland, but I don't think he was everything she thought he would be.

Trust me I have thought I buying her a one way ticket to Holland and shipping her off lol

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MoreBeta · 05/03/2012 09:54

Has this all kicked off since she contacted her real dad?

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 10:03

I wish it was, that would make this very simple to solve then :(

No this has been going on for years, I met DD when she was 7 and I knew there was something not right back then, Over the years talking to my OH I found out that she has been worried about DD well before I ever met then, trying to get help from the doctors over the years, just a shame she nearly killed someone before anything could be done.

Though I do think the issues with her dad and that side of the family started the ball rolling all those years ago.

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LilacWaltz · 05/03/2012 10:22

Well I second purple with regards to calling police. It triggers mire help. And social services won't put her 'into care'. They don't have the resources at all.

Remove everything..... Where is the money coming from for drink and drugs?

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 10:40

Lilac

I totally agree with purple too, when we had the incedent where she tried to kill someone, the police didn't press charges as we had got CAHMS involved and they could see we were trying to resolve the issue, and they wash their hands of the situation, even with us asking for their help still. DD has total disrespect for the police (as alot of teenagers do.)

In regards to where she is gettting the money, we have no idea (she is probably stealing but we have no evidence of that happening), We can only go with the fact the people she hangs around with have access to stuff. We have removed all cash from the house and I have locked anything worth anything away from her.

We are pretty much prisoners in our own home now :(

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LilacWaltz · 05/03/2012 12:35

Bloody he'll it's grim isn't it?! If it's any consolation I went through hell with my dd last year, but we did come through it and it's 'ok' now. She is almost 16. They do come through it. It takes time fir them to mature a bit!

purplecupcake · 05/03/2012 13:47

its a nightmare having to hide everything .. i had so many hiding places i would forget myself where i had put stuff.

Have you tried The Princes Trust, they do alot of programs for teenagers, i dont know where abouts you live but is there no type of hostel available for her to move into temporary

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 16:00

I'll have a look into that PURPLE, OH has taken DD to CAMHS now, and is going to have a chat with them, things have suddenly gotten worse in the last hour, and the person who she has been around with has a long police record. And I think we are going to be getting alot of hassle soon.

I'm now at the point where I may need my job so I can be at home to protect my family, or take my son and live with my folks for a bit till this all dies down. He has to be my number 1 concern at the moment.

I really am between a rock and a hard place now :/

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purplecupcake · 05/03/2012 16:32

Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.. no matter how dark it may seem at the minute :)

Your DS shouldnt have to witness his sisters vile behaviour, could your folks not take him for while, so you could be home to support your OH ?

Dee03 · 05/03/2012 16:53

I have no advice for you I'm afraid but just wanted to offer you support.
My ds is nearly 15 and he drives me mad spending all his non school time on his Xbox but compared to what you're going through that is nothing.
I wish you luck.

ihavenoname · 05/03/2012 16:55

I'm phoning them about having him, hate doing it thou, all this has dispruted our lifes enough :( Spoke to OH and CAMHS have said that Social need to now be involved, and they are getting in touch with them.

(btw thank you everyone for your imput and help, I was pulling my hair out as I've had no one to speak to about this, even talking to the OH is hard as it's her Daughter, you have all been a great help so far) x

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purplecupcake · 05/03/2012 17:32

Its a good thing social services are been involved, Ask them about respite care .. i know one of my friends DD went into respite on several occasions.. She was a totally different child while she was away.

I do hope you all can get through this.. keep us all informed on how you get on with SS

flow4 · 05/03/2012 22:40

It all sounds really grim, ihavenoname. I've had some of the same problems with my son, so I understand how desperate it can feel. Search for posts by Maryz who also has similar experience, and who has gained some wisdom along the way and always has some useful things to say :) - esp (imo) about looking after yourself and having only a few fundamental rules...

My son often seems to be trying to get himself thrown out... I think as he has realised he's not quite a child any more, but not an adult either, he has got scared; and when he knows he's behaving badly it makes him panic and he often behaves worse - almost as if he's thinking to himself "Mum's going to kick me out soon, so I might as well make sure she does it now". The trouble is, he may well be creating a self-fulfilling prophesy... His dad bggred off abroad a few years ago, and we have no other close family, so he has only got me... And his behaviour definitely got worse as he came to terms with the fact his dad didn't want him.

I just wonder whether there might be a similar thing going on with your daughter?

Sorry, not very practical help... If I knew what to do I'd be doing it myself! Confused

ihavenoname · 06/03/2012 12:00

Slight update:

We found out somethings about her 'friend/boyfriend' yesterday and had to put our foot down once again. Thou at the moment just rumors he was not the best person to have around, police record so long it was shocking. Once DD heard some of these things, she shared this infomation with me (shock,horror) and told me that she was going to tell him to leave her alone, which she did and must be the most adult thing she has done for the family. We're not on high alert for the backlash of this.

As I have already posted CAMHS are getting in touch with Social for us as they now feel this is the best thing to do for us.

We had a long sit down last night, & told her how what she has been doing is affecting everyone, and she now needs to listen to us, as we are here to help her and that we do care about her. She nodded in the right places and said the right things (but I'm sure it won't last)

I think she now knows that if she pushes any further she may lose everything, will she care? we'll see!

So at the moment the house is on lock down,we're now waiting to see if/when SS contact us....etc

Again Thank you everyone for your help, kind words and advice. Its a shame that there seems to be no support groups for parents going through this, and I am so thankful for this site and the members on it. With out the support from you in the last 24 hours I think I may have lost the plot.

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LilacWaltz · 06/03/2012 14:32

Sounds promising! Hope it stays nice and calm for you all, good luck!

purplecupcake · 06/03/2012 16:41

if you ask SS there might be a parenting group in your area, There was one here but the waiting list was a mile long to get into it

Im pleased that she has told the bf to leave her alone, it might be a start :)

ihavenoname · 13/03/2012 15:36

Hi all, just a quick update and a question really, We've just had a phone call off social services and they want to meet as soon as poss, so they are coming round at 5! (Need to quickly tidy up arghhh!)

Just wondering what we should expect? and any suggestions of what sort of help we should be asking for? Obvs we have never done this before so any advice would be great. (And is it normal to be this nervous about this?)

Right off to clean and tidy :D

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flow4 · 13/03/2012 22:26

Hope it went OK with SS this afternoon :)

ihavenoname · 14/03/2012 09:58

Thanks flow We think it went ok, Really nice bloke who came round to do the assesment, We're still a bit nervous (but I'm sure thats normal Hmm) We got a little bit more info about the ex BF and our concerns were right about him (maybe we wasn't concerned enough!) The bloke did seem to want to talk about the ex alot, so I wonder if that was why it was so urgent!

They are the first people to speak to my partner and myself alone for the first time since all this has started, which helped us get things off our chests. When talking to DD she kind of proved everything we had already said (Also found out that after 7 years, I'm just a bloke that lives with her). Wish I had know he would ask to look at the bedrooms, I'd only tidied the downstairs lol

We've been told that they will come around for another visit in the future to see how thing are going, and then they will see how they can help us.

We're just hopping that we have done the right thing by getting them involved and this isn't going to blow up in our face :( but I'm sure anyone going through this would feel the same.

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