She is 15, I can't cope

[thisisrubbish]

Desperate, can't cope with the screaming and shouting. The complete crazy! She is 15 and she is exhibiting almost psychotic behaviour. Help, what can i do???

Stay calm, stick to your rules and remember that this too will pass.

Mine was 13 when she went bananas, she's 15 now and really quite nice to be around most of the time but we went through 18 months or so of hell only she was younger than most errant teens so we had the added worries of her safety when she did her disappearing acts as she was so young.

Take a deep breath and back off to reassess what is happening.
What is she screaming and shouting about?
Tell her that you will only talk to her when she is calm and then completely ignore her. My daughters hated screaming at a non audience.
When she is quiet and reasonable try to suggest some bonding time,you and her out for a meal or just coffee so that you might both be able to reconnect with each other.
It will pass,and she still cares for you but is full of hormones,exam worries,peer pressures and all the other troubles of teen years.
Good luck !!

I am close to packing my bags and leaving!
The screaming and shouting is about anything that we say that she doesn't want to hear.
We have backed off and she is now quiet, but I know that as soon as we try to talk to her it will all kick off again!

Are you OK?

My DD needed a bit of help with PMT, and also I am making her own space (her bedroom) a bit more grown-up so she can study and chill out there, without being surrounded by tonnes of toddler crap and stuff she doesn't use any more.

I would take it slowly but stuff that seems to cause angst are so varied and many: friendship issues; boys/sexuality; diet/food/comments from 'friends' about body; appearance; Facebook and snide comments/keeping up with the chat; mobile phone stuff; money; chores/rules; parents' relationship; periods and health; social life; and, bringing up the rear, school and exam/assessment/revision pressure.

I wouldn't like to have to deal with all of that.

See, that's ^^ wise.

Linerunner have just done that to DS's (16) bedroom too, for the exact same reasons. We let him (within reason) choose the colours, furniture and just have to get the accessories. He helped to change the skirting boards and paint the walls and ceiling.

He built his own furniture and worked really hard for 9 hours (I just helped him initially with the bedside cabinet - how to read the instructions and get all the parts organised) Then he built the 4 drawer chest of drawers himself. We heaped lots of praise for his hardwork and there has not been even a sock left on the floor.

This is the second weekend and so far, fingers crossed, we have had calm for almost 2 weeks but the last 3 years have been hell! The moods, temper tantrums - we have had it too.

I have read Maryz's advice and picked up quite a few tips, we only have 2 rule with DS, no phonecalls or letters from school re behaviour - if we do automatic 7 day grounding. And everyone has Sunday dinner together.

I fully agree with the backing off, try not to get drawn into the shouting (it is hard). It will get better, maybe not next week but gradually the length of time between outbursts gets longer.

Also I found that when DS is tired, even if he thinks he is not, then it is/was worse.

Sorry for the rambling post but I found that when I finally admitted to a couple of friends what was happening at home, it was to my emmense relief we were not the only ones. It is more common than you think but everyone does get through it (just not overnight)

Goodluck

Thanks for all the advice. We did back off and let her calm down. Managed to get back to a bit of harmony. Hard work when it's every day and as soon as she is in the house the tension and stress just cranks up.

hi there sorry to hear about your troubles :( my daughter is 13 and we are going through the same thing just a little question is everything ok at school the reason i am asking is that my daughter has been getting bullied and according to my gp that is why she is fighting with me due to the stress etc of it all
hope things get better for you
take care xx

I second Maryz approach, which is what I aimed for (though not always with success) when DD2 had a phase of arguing and door slamming

We had a roller coaster 18 months but she is now nearly 14 and we all get on very well. Talking about things is very important- often things that were bugging her at school (friendship issues) were impacting on her behaviour at home but we couldn't help when she didn't tell us.

The more everyone talks the happier the atmosphere is in our house.

Hmm I am reading and learning ! My almost 13 DD and I were getting on badly a few weeks ago to the point where I threatened she would have to go and live with my XH ( something she nor I really want)

I came on here and saw a book recommended Get Out of My Life ...But Can you Give Alex and I A Lift Into Town First . I wasnt bowled over but it is worth reading and theres been a big improvement in my behaviour and approach and touch wood our house is much calmer and happier

Maryz, I can see what you are saying about not engaging, but may I ask what you do/did when/if your DC swore at you or said that they hated you or you hated them? Did you just ignore that, too? You see, telling me to F off kind of goes past the line in this house and I find it very difficult to ignore, but are you saying that it would sometimes be better? Many thanks.

Hi, yes, thanks for the reply and sorry, OP, for the hijack. I do find that if I don't react to DD saying something, then I get the others saying that I let her get away with things that they can't (esp DS1, who's older). It's this idea of fairness that I also find difficult to deal with. I have said to DS1 that DD is different and I love them all the same..., but three teenagers in the house seems to sometimes mean that I am refereeing all the time.

I have said to DS1 that if anyone else spoke to any second person the way he speaks to DD then he would be up in arms as he doesn't like any form of bullying. DD then strops off, shouting, slamming doors, as she had been waiting to take offence. DS2 doesn't really say much, yet. It's great in our house .

I dealt with it head on. I made no excuses for anyone. If someone is capable of behaving themselves in school then they can be civil at home. No civility = no meals or laundry or lifts anywhere or homework help.

I had enough of being dumped on with exH and I was determined not to take any of that crap from the DCs, who were showing signs at one point that they thought this was the way to treat me, having observed and learned many a lesson.

At the same time, I picked my battles and tried to keep conversation civilised, a good deal of light atmosphere in the house, didn't rant about their music or tv they liked or the clothes they bought or makeup they used, sympathised with them when they moaned about particular teachers, and kept them busy with sports. I looked positively laid back in comparison to some of their coaches.

By dealing with it head on I mean stonewalling -- any speech or tone of voice that crossed the line, I refused to discuss the subject at hand and kept on saying 'You cannot talk to me like that and I will not listen to anything you say on the matter until you are ready to speak respectfully' until they stopped. 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is something a counsellor suggested I say to exH when he was venting at me and I used it on the DCs too. I wore them down eventually.