Unhappy 16 year old son-how can we motivate him?

[moretolifethanthis]

My hubby and myself are at our wits end worrying about DS. He goes to sixth form lessons and barely contributes(apparently), comes home tired, goes to sleep in his room til tea. Goes on computer looking at COD videos. Back to room to Skype friends, down for more snacks. Is he doing homework or revision for AS's? Nope. Has he promised faithfully to do said revision to catch up at school? Yup.Does he look bothered? Nope.
He may see his friends once outside of school each week, otherwise his room is his domain where he wastes his childhood away. He has said he gets very bored. Also he can't do anything in this country as the weather is so bad and his only ambitions(lol!)are to go to Australia to live!!
A lot of lads already drink when they go out but he doesn't want to yet and so avoids seeing them in the evenings. My question is- what constitutes normal behaviour for a 16 year old boy? Can any one offer ideas to put to him as to what he can do outside of school to start making him like life?
Thanks.

I've got 16 yr old ds who will NOT revise - will do anything but! We had a hols in Australia this year and he loved it too. Does you DS understand that he won't be able to work in Oz without a decent trade or good qualifications in certain areas? They won't take just anyone!

He may not motivate himself until he's older and realises he has to work hard for his dreams.

Be thankful he doesn't want to go out and drink. That could all change in the next year or two.

Good luck. I feel totally exhausted sometimes trying to bang my head up against a brick wall of hormones, laziness and backchat!

No matter how hard I try to inspire him to change his ways it seems to have the opposite effect!

Not knowing what he wants to do job-wise isn't helping either.

It's like Groundhog Day EVERY day.Yes, I'm glad he doesn't want to drink-that's good. I am still worried about his sleeping patterns though as he came home at 1pm from school yesterday and went straight into bed to sleep. Not good. :(

Thanks for the support

is he staying up all night ? and just sleeping when he can .. if thats the case then there is no wonder he is not motivated. Hes probably too tired, It took us ages to get my DS into a proper sleeping pattern. He was on COD all night and would sleep all day, he had no motivation at all to do anything else. His attitude to life changed once the sleeping pattern got sorted

He could be.. I tend to fall asleep earlier than him, so who knows what time he eventually falls asleep?

I'm still wondering what after-school activities lads do of his age-maybe I could figure out a way to suggest he tries them? (don't know how though as he'll give me a withering look no doubt!!).

I think I would focus on the sleep first - he shouldn't need a nap when he comes home. The only time one of mine did that was when they were getting over glandular fever. Does he get any exercise?

DS (15) plays the guitar and does drama after school. What subjects is he doing for AS - is there anything that is connected with those that he could do?

During the summer he would play tennis and frisbee but has had a fall out with that lad. He has had no exercise virtually since then.

He is doing Psychology, Business Studies and Geography. We couldn't afford for him to go on the Iceland trip for Geography. He did drama gcse but didn't join in with an after-school drama group because it was so expensive plus they weren't his friends and felt uncomfortable joining it anyway. I think he is shy tbh.

As far as I am aware, he only wants to do things with his friendship group but they have become really proficient at their sports by now and he feels he is too late to join clubs at his age. I'd love him to want to play an instrument or be creative but he just isn't interested. God, I sound so negative-sorry! I'm just stumped.

How about a bit of exercise he can do on his own - running or cycling? I did make DD1 go out running with me when she was going through a similar phase (I don't normally run but she needed a bit of a push). DS likes to do things if it is some sort of challenge so he would run if it was to achieve a particular time or distance.

DD1 wasn't much of a "joiner" with activities either and while her friends were all off doing the Duke of Edinburgh Award she was languishing at home complaining about being bored .

I presume he doesn't anything to do with his subjects if he's not interested in studying but there must be masses of stuff to read to do with Psychology that may catch his interest (not sure what there is for Geog or Buisness studies as they aren't my area!).

Does she have plans for his future at all? DD1 is at university on a course that involves a year abroad - she's in America at the moment and she has friends that have gone to Australia and New Zealand.

Our son is definitely hooked on living abroad-he mentioned going to uni in Australia as his online friend lives in Perth and loves life there or if that was out of the question he's mentioned Dutch uni's as I believe their fees are cheap and they are apparently good too- anywhere but the UK it seems! But realistically, this is all just pie in the sky. He needs to get his motivated head on quickly or he'll not realise any of these because he needs better grades than what he's been getting. Plus there is the worry that if he has to leave in the summer after bad AS grades will he even get a decent reference for a job?

Can I chip in on this one? I was thinking of posting a similar cry for help myself as I have an 18 yr old DS, (just 18). He's so difficult at the moment, having been a lovely kid up until now.
I am worried he's not putting in enough time on his A2 studies - Eng. Lit, Music, Psychology. He is moody and accuses me and my DH of nagging and "going on" at him.
He misses his elder brother who's already away at uni ( and who has always been a hard worker).
He (younger one) is also learning to drive which I don't think is coming easy to him; working towards a guitar exam; completing a diary/log towards a baccalaureate qualification and completing an extended project to get a few extra UCAS points.
So as you can see he has a lot on - too much, do you think?
But every time I go into his room, there is never anything remotely related to these studies on his PC screen.
With only a few months to go to A2 exams, how in heaven's name do I try to motivate him, without completely antagonising him.
He wants to go to uni and has offers from all the ones he's applied to but isn't a high-flier (he needs mainly B grades)
He's also I guess in the shadow of his elder brother, whom he adores.
Any words of encouragement/comfort out there?
I only want the best for him but he is so difficult and I am so stressed!

School gave a bit of what I thought was good advice about revision for exams. They said keep it positive, eg instead of 'if you don't do that revision you'll fail' (which just adds to the pressure and stress) try and keep it positive eg 'if you do half hour of revision I'll bring you up fav snack/take you somewhere after and think how good you will feel having the revision done and feeling prepared for your exam' etc.

Have tried to stick to it and it does seem to work a bit better and is a lot less conflictual.

Joy!!! First bit of encouraging news! I decided to email his subject tutors to inform me as to his homework and test grades seeings they were unhappy with him and I informed my son of this. To my surprise he was glad. It seems he wanted more of their support! Perhaps he was feeling neglected? Anyway, his psychology teacher is fully on board and thanked me for my support. So far he has brought his grades up from D'd, E's and a 'U' to a 'B'!! In business studies he achieved full marks for his latest test!
He is studying more on his own but tbh still needs to revise more so I'll be keeping an eye on him.
To STG, does your son know what he wants to do when he finishes uni?(I know it's a long way off still). Sometimes it's hard to get motivated when you can't see what lies ahead in your path? My son is struggling with this aspect too but we're focusing on school support first. Perhaps you could quietly speak to his school too and voice your concerns? See what they can come up with?
As my son is independent and helps himself to snacks; Pickgo's ploy wouldn't work for him, unfortunately. Also he would rather not do anything with his fogies half the time so taking him out somewhere is a no go too but hey, each to their own. This may work for your son.
All the best :)

Thanks for that! I'm almost embarrassed to admit that when the opportunity of a career-break came my way I took it so I could be "around" for my DS before and after school. I sometimes wonder how on earth he'd cope if I was out at work! Or maybe that's the problem - I'm too close to it all?
I think with my DS he simply has a lot on as well as his studies so I am going to see if we can cut out the odd guitar lesson and/or driving lesson.
I will have a chat with his personal tutor - funny, psychology is my DS's bugbear too. Actually that is part of the problem, he picked the wrong subjects! He dropped maths after just scraping through at AS, but has found psychology a real challenge.
You are very wise, moreto - no, he doesn't know what he wants to do except study English Lit at uni, which of course doesn't lead to any specific job.
My DH sat with him yesterday and they chewed over some ideas for an essay; then we treated DS to the cinema in the evening. He seems okay today.

Moreto - that's the treat! - that he doesn't have to get it himself for a change! Also my DS rarely wants to be seen dead come out with me either but quite often wants a lift to a mates or somewhere.....

whatever floats his boat tho - surely there's something he wants from you that you can use as a motivator? - Anyway good news that he's getting better grades, that's no mean feat in itself. Glad it's looking brighter.

Aah! I see where you're coming from now Pickgo - be his own personal servant haha! ;) I could bribe inspire him by baking a big fat choccy cake!! Mmm sounds nice!!
Glad things seemed easier yesterday STG. I 'm only working on a casual basis so I'm spending too much time at home at the moment. I suppose I do tend to chew over things too much as well. Anyway, glad mumsnet is here to help out!