How do you get them to talk/open up?

[pharaohmum]

DS is 13. He has always disliked high school and we have had a couple of years liasing with school about why he didn't settle in but we came up with no specific reasons. He always says he's ill, headache, stomach ache etc etc. basically he hates going to school and it's hard work getting him to go. We can't work out whether he is being bullied or just doesn't like school? He's quite a secretive child so how do I get him to talk about his feelings? Obviously it's upsetting for my son, and for me, it's upsetting not knowing the reasons for his behaviour. Any help gratefully appreciated.

Manufacture a reason for a long car journey; my DS always opens up to me in the car.

My DS talks to me most when we are on a long walk together. That can be anything from a walk along the coast, to the walk to town and back.

Maybe you could start by opening up to him about your feelings, and letting him know that whatever he says you will take him seriously and won't judge him.

Does he have many friends at school? Maybe he just feels that he doesn't fit in, even if he's not being bullied. Teenagers are such a worry aren't they? I just keep reminding myself that in a few years they will be adults and these difficult yeras will be behind them.

thank you all for your replies. allthingspass, i suspect that you are probably right in that he just doesn't fit in. But I am at a loss as to how to help him get through it. Like you say, it'll soon be behind us.

Another vote for car journeys here, or something physical that you can do alongside each other such as decorating or building something.
Try to tell him about something that affected you. Did you keep it to yourself or did you tell someone. Make it up if necessary! The point is to show that it feels better to talk and share a problem.
I did have a similar issue with DS1(16) when he was 12/13 and once he opened up he wept buckets and said he had no idea how much it helped to talk about things.Since then he has clammed up again but generally confides in me when there is a real crisis.

Hello,I do sympathise because I have been there (and survived).

A few tips that helped me:

Be very attuned to when your DS wants to speak. It will probably be when you are tired/busy or both but it is well worth abandoning your previous plans to just listen.

Don't expect adult length conversations. I had an agenda of two or three things (max) I wanted to explore and would stop as soon as I had done so rather than make it feel like the Spanish Inquisition.

Is there someone-uncle, family friend that he would speak to? This could be in confidence but might give you some reassurance.

The talking in the car thing worked for me (DS1 allergic to walking)as did going out for coffee/lunch. Anything which creates a relaxed atmosphere between you should encourage him to open up.

Finally try some ground rules for reassurance
"you can tell me anything you like-I won't be shocked/angry"
"There is nothing that you could do/say that would make me love you less"

Honestly it does get better . You sound like a great mum.

Thank you so much SSquirrels and emdelafield. Its good to know that it will get better. I will try talking to him over a nice lunch. The trouble is I'm just the same, I tend to keep things to myself instead of talking things through, so he's inherited that from me :(

Good point about reassuring him that whatever he says i won't be shocked.

Thanks again everyone for helping.

DD2 was the least talkative of our 3. But I found if she wanted to talk to me about things it was usually around 11pm or even later just as I would be heading off to bed. I found it was best to listen to her then even if I was tired.

My mum always had a good style of talking about things when we were teenagers by keeping the conversation very general - asking about "people I knew", etc but never ever asking me to name names or talk about myself unless I wanted to. So we could discuss things like bullying, alcohol, etc and she could share her views with me and learn mine, but it was much less confrontational than if she'd asked outright what was going on with my friends.

I second what purplerose has said. I did this a lot when my DDs were in their early teens. They are older now so we can be more direct but I think when they are younger they get a bit embarrassed if things get too personal for them.

I think a car journey is good place to talk as they can't get away find something else to do. Good luck!

Well.. think of it like a therapy session. A psychologist isn't going to have you walking around a room or sitting behind them. They are interested to know if you are speaking the truth as well as what your speaking about.

Most these parents suggesting car journeys are probably being lied to by their kids or not being told the full story. You need to be in front of a person and in an undisturbed environment too.

Also it's unlikely you'll get conclusive or even any answers in your first couple of "sessions." The person needs to adjust to the new way of thinking and you need to coax them into your way of responding.

I would suggest maybe going to his favourite restaurant or cafe or preparing his favourite dishes and sitting opposite him. Mix in some small talk with his daily school life and watch his eyes and hands carefully to see if he's being evasive or lying.

Could be it's not challenging and stimulating enough for him in which case get him IQ and EQ tested. Or it could be he finds it difficult making friends and getting on with people of differing opinions - in which case get him into some sports clubs.

The main idea here is "do a little every day" so to speak. So give him maybe an hour- 30 mins to offload his issues every day to you.

Thing is, jshm2, teenagers don't talk as much if you're facing them as if they're next to you.

The reason that so many parents of teens are recommending the driving thing is that teens will talk more if you're next to each other and/or sharing a task than if you sit them down at a table opposite them.

Not sure whethr you're a parent of teens, but I don't think many teenagers wouold take kindly to the sessions you're suggesting!

Jshm2 sorry but that doesn't sound like advice from someone witha teen. I have my best chats with mine in the car or on a walk.

When I had counseling (with a psychotherapist) she didn't sit opposite me or overtly check me over (granted she may well have had more subtle ways of watching my body language). I don't think I would have been at all comfortable with her if she had. But then I don't think that parents should try and be therapists, I would have thought it would be very easily to get it wrong.

I think that talking when you are doing something together is the best idea if your ds is reluctant to talk because you don't want to be too confrontational, and although the car chat can work well if you generally get on, it's not great if your ds really doesn't feel comfortable talking to you (I know I hated it as a teen when my mother tried getting deep and meaningful when we were driving places, as I couldn't escape).

I second the idea of starting off with a more neutral position - stories about the difficulties you (or friends or family) had when you were younger, or from the news or books, films or anything that comes up naturally might get him talking, or at the very least allow you to let him know he's not alone and that you are there for him. Alternately you could just ask him if he wants to change school.

Both my children are most likely to talk at bedtime.

Jshm2 I disagree.Do you actually have experience of teenagers? Why on earth jump to the conclusion that they are lying? Just because they don't open up freely doesn't mean they have something to hide, it's just part of adolescence to distance yourself from your parents a little.
We live in the sticks and there are a lot of journeys. Ever since they were tiny we've had the most interesting conversations in the car! DS1 recently told me about something that he would never have brought up at home around the table or in his room.

Often when ds and I go up to my parents' (5 hours drive) I have to ask him nicely to stfu.

I never have to do that in the house

Wait until he is 22.

lots of wise words there, thank you all so much for contributing. I guess its either a case of wait until he wants to talk to me or go for a drive and maybe strike up some sort of light hearted banter and see where it leads. It is so difficult knowing if you're doing everything the right way, or even if there is a right way! thenightsky, I hope it wasn't anything too bad :(

No eye contact and keeping it relaxed are the absolute keys here. We'be taken to driving Ds to school. Completely unnecessary on one level but transformational on another. Ds knows he has 20 mins him time. Sometimes it's just a grunt, quite often discussion related to what's on the radio, sometimes concerns. Washing up another good time.

YY to no eye contact.

Thats why car journeys / walking are a good time when they do open up.

I often start by talking generally about stuff that I did at school at his age - it helps that he knows my oldest school friend and that we were a bit spirited naughty so have some funny tales to tell. This moves the conversation in the general direction and then I let him take it wherever he wants to - or not if he doesn't.

And yes I don't expect to hear the whole truth. But I didn't tell my parents everything either.

i know spendthrift i didnt tell my parents ANYthing! which is what worries me

I reckon I get about 40 per cent of the issue and obviously much less of the total. But that's better than nothing and more than I gave.