just dont know what to do......

[crkm]

.... or where to start! DD is 18. she started college course last september - a course she chose to lead her to her supposed goal of being a paramedic. This is the third course she started since getting her gcse's - but she didnt ever study so didnt get the qualifications before. She was warned that this is the last course she can apply for without having to pay fees, and her father and i will not pay when she obviously has no intention of studying. She spends her weekends at her boyfriends, she has no job (she got sacked from one job well over a year ago, and has not worked since. ) I got a letter from college to say she is to attend a disciplinary meeting, as she has pulled out of her work placement, is not handing in work, and her attendance is low. The course is only 2 days a week! I asked to speak to her, with the boyfriend present, to discuss this. (and had also found out that she is intercepting all post addressed to me from college - i leave the house before the post comes most days). she wouldnt listen to me or let me have my say - she ended up getting violent with me because i was trying to walk away from her. she grabbed me and was hitting me. (she is taller and stronger than me). her boyfriend did little to help. she was right in my face - shouting that I ignore her/ treat her bad/ love the younger kids more etc etc - never mind the times i take her for coffee just the 2 of us and take her shopping. never mind the fact that all her spare time she spends at the boyfriends, so she isnt home to go on the treats we take the younger children on. I wouldnt put up with that treatment from a man so why should i take it from my child?? I told her she had to leave. if she wasnt going to live by the rules of our home, then she could go. and a few more things that i shouldnt have said but i was so shocked that she could act like that to me.

I was a single mum when i had her - only just 20 - i gave up everything for her, and always worked/ studied so i could set her a good example. and for what? to have a rude, aggressive, lazy child! am just not sure where we have gone wrong! sorry for the rant.

Your daughter is 18, she is an adult. Maybe it is time to let her stand on her own two feet.

Don't burn your bridges though.
Where would she go if you followed through with your threat?

Don't think that you shouldn't have told her to leave - you were right, she should leave. She's crossed a line, and she must realise that herself. Is there somewhere she can go? A relative or someone? Even if it's just for the short-term at first.

And I'm sure you've done nothing wrong, other than the bog-standard parenting mistakes we all make along the way. She'll mature, she'll calm down and she'll start to value you. It will just take a bit of time.

In the meantime, is there any help you can get for her? If she's not working and she's not studying - what actually is she doing? It's a lot of time to be filling doing nothing - could she be depressed? Is it worth exploring? But you can deal with all of this better with her elsewhere - quite apart from you, it can't be good for your younger kids witnessing all this.

she went yesterday, packed a couple of bags. has gone to boyfriends. heard from his mother yesterday briefly - but not from DD.

only one sibling was in the house at the time thank god. he was upset enough! we suggested voluntry work if she couldnt get a job, but she was adament that she wanted to do this course still and finnish it. not sure what the outcome of the meeting will be though. I told her she should sign on, because i will not support her financially while she is behaving like this. she needs to take some responsibility for herself.

It must be bloody hard for you, but I really do think you're doing the right thing. Try and get some communication going in a few days, when she's calmed down a bit.

I feel for you op. could she be depressed or doing recreational drugs with her bf at the weekends? I ask because I was a bit like that in my teens and nearly threw away my 4 yr degree (really struggled in the 4th year due to depression and father issues)
All you can really do is set your boundaries, hope for the best and be there for her when she needs you. If you're doing your best by her then that's all you can do. It seems like she's the type of person who will learn the hard way as I did. I grew up when I was about 24/25. Things started to fall into place after several hard lessons. Good luck. Just make sure you're alright too, especially if you have little ones to look after. Lead by example. And if she hits you again, slap her right back I'd say. Take care.

Yes - i think you are right. my turn to be the adult! - but in a few days x

Ps you should warn her about getting pregnant if she's staying at the bfs all the time. That was one of my hard lessons. But it actually made me a better person. And that baby is a gorgeous 15 yr old boy now so ....

I really feel for you crkm, and I have been there too. I have a 16yo (almost 17) son who has been physically violent to me a couple of times, and who is often aggressive and intimidating.

I suspect that it happens much, much more often than we know. Domestic violence is taboo anyway - and I think it's much more of a taboo when it's your own child doing it to you...

I have called the police on my son twice. Like you, I have realised I would never ever tolerate behaviour like this from a partner or house-mate or anyone else in my life - but it all becomes so much more difficult and hurtful when it is your child.

I think the sense of grief and loss of your 'sweet baby' is so strong that it is like a bereavement, in fact. And just like a bereavement (is my theory) you go through several stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I'm past 'denial' and I'm much less angry than I used to be, but I'm a long way from 'acceptance'. Partly this is because I haven't (yet) thrown him out - I'm still living with him, so I'm in a constant cycle of bad behaviour-anger-bargaining-more bad behaviour-despair-bargaining-quiet patch-hope-bad behaviour, etc...

You have probably done the right thing by asking your daughter to leave, since she is an adult and you can at least 'stop the cycle'... and get on with your grieving. I guess everyone goes through grief to some extent when their child grows up and leaves home; but you always hope it will be a positive choice, when everyone's ready for it - not something you do from desperation to put an end to an intolerable situation :(

I wouldn't advocate hitting her back. It will almost certainly make you feel worse, and what you need more than anything is to feel better. Do some nice things for yourself :) And good luck with it all.

I have just seen that MaryZ has today posted brilliant advice on another thread ("My 17yo son is smoking dope...")

Here it is:

MaryZ wrote:

Look after yourself

It is very important that when your kids do come out the other side you haven't given so much of yourself emotionally and physically that you are just a shell. As a parent (particularly a mother as they seem to deal with a lot of the emotional shit), the stress is incredible, so being nice to yourself is of paramount importance.

So if any parent feels they are falling apart or losing "themselves", do go for help and counselling for you.

A lot of the time we cannot change our kids, but we can change ourselves and how we react to the challenges they throw at us.

flow4 - thank you - grief like a bereavement is exactly how i feel - but reluctant to express because i know several mums whose teenage daughters have died. they would be horrified by my actions.

mrsmplus3 - i think depression could be a problem - I know she has seen a councelor at college a couple of times.

and i must find myself a hobby becase i am wife and mum to 4, but never have a chance to be 'me'!