HELP with a Teenager who is very down atm

[Rezolution]

How do other Mums cope with a teenager who is very down about something that happened in her sports lesson last week?
She is 13 and has taken it very badly. Her world has come crashing down because she has been dropped from the team. She gives things 110% effort and this has knocked her confidence badly. I am relieved in a way as I felt it was too much for her body anyway but she isn't seeing it like that atm.
Any advice from Mums who have been there would be appreciated

Anybody there?

ruby It is rowing and it is 15hours a week of training. She has been anaemic lately (heavy periods) so I am giving her iron to counteract that, and she has just had four teeth extracted over half term and is in the middle of orthodontic treatment. It's all just too much for her body and she is permanently tired and naggy and horrible with the rest of the family. It would be a blessing for us all if she quit rowing tbh but she does not see it like that.

ruby She has been dropped from the eight girls' boat and that means she still has to do the training sessions but not the race itself. On top of that she has put her name down for a five-day training session at Easter which will be very full-on and physically draining. I have no experience of sport at all, because we are not a sporty family and this is all alien to us. Out of our depth! (excuse pun)

As she's obviously quite a driven type, could she be encouraged to see this as an opportunity to try something new? She's only 13, which is a great time to try loads of different interests. It could be another sport, so she wasn't feeling like her body had crapped out - you could say things like "develop your aerobic fitness/flexibility/lower body strength", depending on what the most likely sport was. Or perhaps something non-sport related that she didn't get the chance to try before. Not sure if any of that would work, but it's the approach I'd try with my own 13 yr old dd.

Thanks both of you.
Firstly, I am reluctant to speak to the coach as DD needs to learn to speak up for herself. Also I usually get the blame if I intervene. Also I am very outspoken and would end up telling him where to shove his oar
Secondly, I know she is keen to take up the guitar. This is tricky at the moment because we still have to pay for the rowing even if she does not go on the course. She has got a guitar but it is the wrong one (?) and we cannot afford lessons. She could have a new guitar for her birthday in July.
It is all a bit of a mess and she needs to sort it out herself maybe.

13 is still quite young, I wouldn't expect my 13 year old to sort it all out herself. I would also recommend a wider range multivitamin.
Also ask what is wrong with the guitar? Ask the teacher if necessary.

There is a difference between letting her talk to the coach herself about team places/getting training timed right for big events and about wider concerns about nutrition and growth. Possibly its your place to talk to the coach about the latter, and maybe just be there for moral support when discussing the former?

Thanks Mrs and Mummy
Well, we can't get to see the rowing coach because there is no opportunity really, because of the difficulty of access to the boathouse for technical reasons. Could maybe phone or email him.
He weighed DD last Thursday without my permission, which has not pleased me. Since then she has been getting very funny about food, asking me how many calories are in it etc. (She is not overweight at all)
The guitar is an acoustic one and she wants a different type of guitar.
I will be collecting her from near the river at 5pm after today's session so am not looking forward to it.

This is a multifaceted problem.

My 13 yr old dd (very sporty, extremely fit) suffered a head injury, at school, 4 months ago.

She has been very unwell, and has lost her place in her sports team. She trained hard for 4 years to achieve her place, and this has been a huge blow on so many levels.

She is gradually coming to terms with the fact that it will be many months before she rebuilds her strength.

We are concentrating on a good diet, plenty of rest, building fitness gently and gradually, and also concentrating on other, gentler hobbies such as music, that are helping to rebuild her confidence.

She has needed loads of support from me, and I am steeling myself to have another chat with the coach regarding the best way to proceed. I don't expect her to do this herself, as the coach is a bit inclined to think she should push herself, and she is not well enough to do that.

13 is a difficult age. Loads of moral and psychological support is needed, and also help to recognise what she can and cannot do, and kind and sympathetic understanding as she comes to terms with what is and is not realistic.

One thing that my dd has said to me is that she now appreciates how important it is to do everything to the best of her ability, (even if it means a change of direction) and make the most of life as things can change in an instant.

It is hard to come to terms with one's expectations being dashed, but your dd may find that focussing on other activities may turn out to be a good thing.

I would be very concerned about any worries about weight/dieting etc and if the coach is putting this into her head I would be very unhappy.

I wish you and your dd all the best and hope things work out.

examtaxi Sorry to hear about your DD and her injury.
On a personal level, I do feel that sports coaches just use and manipulate youngsters and then just cast them aside when they can no longer perform. I realise this is a broad generalisation, of course.
I'm still her mother whether she can row a km in six minutes or not. The buck stops with me, I feel.
But, unfortunately, to her young and vulnerable mind, the coach knows far more and far better than her Mum and it is his word that counts.
She has given it her best shot and it hasn't worked out. Time to move on, I feel.
Next term she could do such a lot of other stuff - tennis, athletics, stuff she is really good at, if only we could get rid of the rowing.

Rowing is something she could take up again later if she keeps fit doing other sports. Maybe she would accept something along those lines?

Am off to collect her now. Fingers crossed we do not have another evening of tears and tantrums.

Is it possible that she's underweight? Is she getting enough calories and the right balance of protein and carbs to support 15 hours of training?

why on earth was your dd's coach weighing her?? ds does sport to a very high level and his coach says it's almost impossible for him to eat enough calories to keep up with what he's using - if she's doing that much exercise she should be eating pretty much what she wants not worrying about calories

also, rowing is not one of those sports that unless you're reaching national level by your early teens you've had it ... plenty of Olympic standard rowers didn't even start until late teens or university so she's got plenty of time yet if that's her goal

basildon and narked Thanks both of you for your input. Yes, I agree with what you both say.
She was a lot better last night. She had told the coach that she is quitting. He did not take it well and threw a tantrum. He says it will ruin his team! But last week he said he was putting her out of the boat! She seemed far more mature about it all, I'm proud to say. I can't trust people who mess with the emotions of a vulnerable 13 year-old.
She will have to carry on doing rowing every Monday as it is part of her PE lesson but she says she will have a word with the Head of PE and ask to be transferred back to normal PE for the Summer Term.
That suits her best because at the moment the others are doing hockey, for which she would need a mouthguard. She would have to have a fresh one made and that could take two or three weeks, by which time the term will be over.
I am hoping that when all this blows over I can enrol her at a keep fit/gym class or a Zumba class and she can just go along, have some fun and keep fit without too much pressure.
As you say, she can always go back to rowing when she is older if she wants to.
Hope it will all turn out for the best.
DH is still very stressed about it all and I have to shield him a bit because he is on medication for high blood pressure etc. He has not been well since a car accident in January and everything has been a bit fraught.

Well I would definitely have got involved and spoken to the coach.
There are far too many pressures on 13 year olds at school and socially and I think it's a good result. Sounds like she needs a rest and to recharge her batteries.