Bugger. Just wrote long rant and lost it! Help, I'm fed up!

[HeinzSight]

15 yr old teenage boy getting me down. How do you rise above all the normal teenage crap that gets thrown at you. Add to this, occasional stealing from purse, iTunes account ( £700 18 months ago!!), food in the middle of the night, leaving nO treats for his younger siblings etc

Lack of respect. Last night I asked that he doesn't listen to his iPod whilst eating dinner. He point blank refused. So I told him calmly to remove them or go back to his room and not eat. He chose to go away. But came down in the middle of the night. He will now probably 'hide' in his room for 3/4 days making a stand! But the offset is his younger brother then has to do his chores.

He is polite to people outside the home. He goes to school, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke. Is too lazy to go out so being out late isn't an issue.

I feel quite negative towards him and need some words of wisdom to pull me out of the downward spiral I feel I'm in.

well done for remaining calm Heinzsight. i have a 14yr old dd who is also in full gusto pushing the boundaries!

Congratulate yourself that he is so good outside the home and count lucky stars he is too lazy to be out late! This should make you feel more positive.

I would start with telling him, if he scoffs other sibblings snacks he will have to go without next time (even if you have to shop daily and allocate the others). Don't give him the opportunity to run up bills- i think most kids would if they got the chance.

I think he needs to know he still has to do his jobs and can't just go to room to sulk as this is his way of controlling the family.Make him do the jobs -if not all equiptment in his room goes so as not to distract him , and asure him he will have everything back when he complies with your rules.

I am starting a new thread on tips for reasonable punishments! My last bit of advice is let him know the world does not revolve around him, 24/7, you want to enjoy his company and can he suggest anything to cheer you all up! If not let him see you won't be made to feel miserable by him. Most of all chin up, people tell me it gets better- i did find myself asking parents of young adults what age did their come out of the terrible teens stage to the point of obsession!! All with varying answers !

Thanks for your support

So far this yr he's had the Xbox taken away, his tv from his room and we withdrew him from a trip to Berlin. All of these punishments he knew would happen well in advance if he continued playing Xbox when he shouldn't, taking food that wasn't his etc. But he carried on, so after his three warnings he knew what was coming. He was resigned to these punishments.

I was up in his room earlier and found two large cans of energy drinks. I don't know where he got the money from to buy these (as he's been paying us back for the lost deposit on his school trip!), I can only imagine he's taken money from my purse again.

But the offset is his younger brother then has to do his chores.

Why should the younger brother be punished? I didn't understand this bit.

Some of the behaviour can be down to toddler teenage impulsiveness (act and then be surprised by the consequences). He's 15 so punishment may no longer be the right way. In your position I would look to remove temptation from his path:

• keep your purse with you
• only buy treats for distribution immediately
• remove the xbox/tv from his room. Find somewhere in the house where he can use these but they are in public rooms (my DS has to use his xbox while perched on the dining table!)

On the plus side I would restore a little bit of pocket money.

The other key thing would be to talk to him. Explain why these actions are necessary. Explain that taking money from your purse is theft and ask him if he would leave money around if there was a thief in the house. Avoid confrontational talking (in the car is perfect as no eye contact and no escape).

Talk with him about good nutrition (energy drinks should only be consumed by athletes IMO).

I wouldnt be giving warnings and issuing punishments now. IMO he now needs to learn adult consequences. The luxuries in life have to be earnt, they dont come for free and that means contributing to the family.

BTW he is old enough to join the army!

My DS1 was just the same.. (worse..he was smoking, stealing from us, trashing the house in rages...)

Locks.

Though it's horrible to do so, if he is going to steal, make it impossible... we had a small combination safe (we still use it for valuables just because we got into a good habit!) we also had a lock on the food cupboard..when we went to bed it locked and the key came with us!

BUT he needs opportunity to earn his own.. or some small allowance because if he has no money of his own he will steal. My DS1 stole from us, from his siblings ect and it wasn't until he got his own p/t job at 16 that he became trustworthy again.. or at least he stopped trying to steal from us ..trust took longer!

It sounds as tho your major sanctions are quite harsh to be honest.. missing a school trip because he took snacks/ played x box too much? . Teens are not good at forward thinking..they are more 'oh shit I'll be in trouble now' after the event.. it takes a few more years before actions and consequences REALLY register, especially in less mature teens . I'd be inclined to make the sanction match the crime.. too much x box... xbox gets removed for a week.

Don't make his brother so HIS chores! That won't breed harmony and is very unfair.. stack them up !

BUT he will probably become human again in a few years:):)
DS1 really was awful..then somewhere between 16 and 17 something odd happened.. he started becoming nice again.. talking instead of grunting.. and now at 19 he is a normal functioning member of society!!

Keep talking... it's very easy to get into a negative spiral.. we did many times.. just remind yourself this will pass:):)

G bought a cash box to keep my purse locked in, after a counsellor pointed out I actually could do something about that particular problem. I think I had been so shocked by - and then got so used to - being powerless about so much, that I'd forgotten I had control anything. I'm getting locks fitted on our bedrooms tomorrow, so my younger son and I have some 'safe space'. (He gets a lock too, tho I may live to regret it).
MaryZ, remembering to notice the good stuff is really important, and really hard. I find it really difficult to say "oh great, you've brought the dirty plates down from your room" when I am still reeling from him swearing at me or stealing from me, or being so stoned in the afternoon that he falls asleep over his tea, or failing to make it to college again... But I try.

We go thru whole weeks where he "gives up on all of it", but then he'll do something - he's cleaned the bathroom while I was at work today, for instance. (I didn't ask).

I find the jeckell and hyde nature of it all difficult and exhausting to deal with. Just as I think I've worked out how to react to a behaviour or situation, everything changes. But I'm pretty sure that's a lot better than constantly bad...

Rules and bounderies..... agree about the money. My son(14) gets pocket money but sometimes gets into debt... long story but after awhile the no pocket money to pay the debt just doesn't work. So we agree for him to get half the amount and the other half went towards the debt. at least then he still has some of his own money and isnt tempted (that i know of) to steal.
Wondering how he was able to run up £700 on itunes please tell so I can not get fooled please?
Sometimes when things have gotten into a down ward spiral I stop and remember that he has alot going on (not that excuses the behaviour) with hormones and school work pressure to fit in ect and I have a chat and make sure everything is fine at school. Usually when he is being horrible at home there is a problem at school bothering him so I help him work out a solution.
In my experience he pushes me away when what he really needs more attention. help to sort feelings out and understand what is going on and maybe for me to tighting up on the rules and bounderies and make it more clearer if this happens then xyz will happen. Maybe he could do with some help finding a club to join to make some new friends?
hope it gets better for you all soon

Thank you SO much for your responses and advice. I desperately need pulling out of the negative rut. Thank you also for you honesty about where I might be going wrong, ie punishments too harsh etc. I will def go down the route of taking temptation away. I'll allocate treats at the beginning of the week and lock away the younger girls' ones. They're 2 and 4. I'll also invest in a safe.

As others have said. There's lots going on inc hormones and exams.

It's good to know I'm not alone though in my angst!!!!!