Teen stuff or unacceptable behaviour

[glodee]

Have had yet another evening of DD screaming in my face - about me and how I never listen. She answered the door with a growl when I came home from work so I went in the kitchen to cook dinner - all the time thinking - don't react! All ok for an hour or so until I 'looked' a certain way she doesnt like. Its all about me apparently, I just want to watch tv! I tried to explain that I won't listen when I'm being screamed at, but that just got shouted down. At the end of my tether - feel like going out for a long walk in the fresh air - but that would not be wise in London. Really despairing - is this what ppl mean by 'teenage years' or am I dealing with just downright bad behaviour. DH is out tonight and even if he was here he's in bed by 8 30/9pm for work next day. He's always away at weekends too - and thinks I should 'just say this', just say that' and it'll be all ok. But I'm exhausted and drained. Feel I'm failing badly.

How old is she? Being teenaged isn't an excuse for behaving unacceptably but there might be underlying problems contributing to it. How is she at school, is she being bullied, does she have friends?

I don't care how old she is or what she's going through, there's absolutely no way I'd put up with that. Get her told.

This sounds like behaviour I would find unacceptable.

How old is she? How ling has this been going on for? Do you still get any times on a more even keel when you are able to talk?

Can you try to organise a long car journey, just the two of you, to chat? I find car journeys very revealing

Hey - I don't think you're failing as you realise that her behaviour isn't right, for whatever reason, and you want to do something to improve it.

I agree that there may be underlying problems but she still needs boundaries - in fact probably more so, to reassure her that YOU are the parent.

I have had to re-evaluate my parenting ideas since having a teen, and that sometimes means picking my battles more wisely. However, you should not feel bullied or threatened by your child. I think I would disengage from the conversation every time she behaved inappropriatley, explaining you'll listen when she speaks nicely and not before- like a toddler all over again! And be consistent.

Thanks for your replies - and Chipping, if a friend told me this story I would say exactly this. DD is 17 in May. This 'behaviour' happens in bursts, but over the past 6 mths or so has escalated. She appears to be settling in ok in 6th form, but a recent incident was unnerving - I posted about it last month. She often apologises afterwards and I invariably forgive. I try to ride out these incidents by not reacting, but that seems to rile her even more. I'm don't do arguing/screaming etc - we like peace and she pro ports to like this too. She feels misunderstood and that life has treated her unfairly (it has to some extent) but she needs to learn to cope with her anger and I need to cope with it too.

Is there support at college? Sounds like she needs to access some form of counselling.

Not acceptable in my book. I make my teen come to community groups I work at even though she doesn't want to, to remind her of her place in the world.

I wish 14 yr olds could get Saturday jobs nowadays (not paper rounds in my area I would have to go too and I have a ft job and a toddler), then they would know the work you have to do to earn a few ££'s. Don't know about yours, but it would teach my dd a lesson she will never learn at home. She thinks she should just have the life she wants without having to put any leg work in.

Is it a separate 6th form, meaning she has new friends? If so how well do you no them? Sorry to mention this, but is there a possibility of substance abuse?

Sorry, see she is 17. Different issue altogether.

Second Beachyhead's long car journey. Although, you missed the bit where you take DH's bank card with you for spends!

You need to get her at a good moment and talk then. Her behaviour is really not acceptable and whatever shit she's had in her life, she is fast approaching being an adult and she needs to start acting like one.

Hope you can work something out. If she's apologising after the event, she clearly isn't daft and knows she's done wrong. There is still hope!

Thank you everyone - your responses have been very helpful - and supportive. Sometimes I look back nostalgically at a time when we had matriarchs to give advice and some wise counsel. This forum is def going some way in that direction. I will take time out with DD when things have calmed down and I now realise the importance of consequences for behaviour. Have a few 'consequences' up my sleeve to start with and see how we go. I've been trying to be understanding, and perhaps too lenient, as she has a chronic medical condition and has lost a sibling tragically all in the last few years. However I want to support her and help her through these issues without losing myself in the maelstrom. Thanks again for the replies.

which type of medical condition

it sounds like you could both do with a hug and a shoulder to cry on

have no experience of 17 yr olds but sending you hugs anyway

sigh i am with you op

ds started like this at 15 and is now nearly 18 with not much change tbh
mood swings a plenty we have tried all sorts of tatics - i have seen other posters say the boys improve at about 20.here's hoping.

he was such a lovely well behaved child too

tactics obv

Has she got PMT? I have and I was very shouty this morning.

I said to my DD yesterday that I do have feelings to you know. I was told the other day that her friends Mum is a great cook, never shouts, is her daughters best friend, has the cleanest house. It took all my might not to say well actually that woman is as high as a kite on some sort of tablets and the house is actually filthy and theres all sorts of leaves and crap piled against the front door but I kept it zipped for once.

Glodee, I found your other threads about your DD. What they have in common with this one is that your DD tells you you are not listening, unable to listen, etc.

All this stuff she is dumping on you is related to the bullying in school, I am sure of it. You need to get to the bottom of what happened between her and the boy who yanked the lanyard off her. Not just the lanyard incident, but what happened leading up to it.

You also need to see every social media site she is on. You may need to promise to her that you will make no judgement whatsoever about anything you hear from her or see online. You may have to promise to listen and ask no questions or take any action. (Depending on what you find, however, you may have to take some action).

I suggest you take her out to a cafe or restaurant where the two of you won't be bothered by staff constantly coming over to ask you if you need anything else, etc., and tell her you are ready to listen when she is ready to talk. Tell her she can write whatever it is that she wants to say if she would prefer. Sometimes when teens are insisting you can't listen/never listen/don't understand, etc., they mean they have something they are having a really hard time expressing. It's not you in other words. It's her. She is telling you she has something to say and can't. You can expect denial from her and more of the 'You never listen' stuff, but reassure her that you are there to listen and try not to show impatience.

There is obviously a lot going on in her head glodee, she has a lot to contend with. It is a shame your DH is not around much to help. I think the advice from mathanxiety looks really good.

Thank you sooo very much for your helpful & supportive posts. I came back tonight because I'm back in the same box - never listen, don't understand, just generally the worst mother anyone has ever had. I know thats not true, but I have a real problem with her acting like this. Latest attack was because I want us to spend a couple of days with her grandparents, one of whom is 86. Partly this is guilt on my behalf as I'm worried about my mother (shes fit & healthy, but very elderly) and she so loves to see us. DD says I never consider her - she has AS exams, but truth is she was at 10 decibles before I got much past we need to spend some time with Grannie.We are now 24hs into silence. I'm so angry that she has spoken to me like this again. Her father on the other hand just checks out (can't deal with the agro - lucky him!) he does however, at least from her perspective, support her and i'm left fuming and very alone. Ugh. mathanxiety - your advice is pure gold - I'll try that when i'm calm again.

Def unacceptable behaviour, and she needs to know this. BUT the death of a sibling is a big thing. Teenagers don't process grief the same way and its not unusual for it to come out in aggressive behaviour, even some time after the event. It may be worth considering that she needs help/ counselling to manage this.
Car journeys work, I think its because there is no eye contact which makes it easier to talk.
BTW its a well known fact that other parents are always more understanding, better cooks, allow more freedom and have bottomless purses!