Advice on what to do next - 13yo DD and boyfriend at boarding school

[Queenofcake]

I am wondering if someone with older teens or who has been in a similar situation with their teen can help me out here and give me some advice on how to handle this situation as I am unsure of what to do next. My DH is currently away and not contactable so I would appreciate some help.

DD is 13yo in year 8 in her last year at her co ed boarding school. She has been there 4 years, loves it. On her 1st day she met her now BF. They have always been very close and always from a young age been a bit of an item - in an innocent kind of way (DD was always a tomboy until a year ago) but the last year or so it has definatley developed into more of a boyfriend and girlfriend situation.

DD plays her cards very close to her chest and although happy to discuss sex, periods etc in a general way very openly with me, when it comes to anything personal like her relationship with BF she says and lets on very little.

So she is home for half term (back to school Sunday) and today I went into her room for the hairdryer. Her room is a mess and the hairdryer was under a load of folders and papers (with my straightners). As I lifted it up one piece of papers had a caricature pic of her drawn on it by one of her friends and I looked at it and smiled, it had BFF etc written all over it. When I folded it back in half there was a short note in 2 different handwriting and a hand drawn map on the back. I read it. I know I probably shouldnt have but I did.

Basically not wanting to go into great details it is a note bewteen DD and a girlfriend. It says about meeting 2 boys (1 being DDs BF) at a certain place in the school grounds (they have given it a secret name). There is a map of where it is - a well hidden quiet spot at the far end of the school grounds. I think it is DDs friend that has written about meeting at X and "I may go a bit further this time and let X do what he wants me to". My DD replies "cool" something along the lines of going there too with her BF and cannot wait to snog and feel him again.

I think this may have already happend because it refers to a Tuesday after a certain thing that was on at the school before half term. They have obviously managed to get time to be alone together before because my DD uses the term "again" in her reply.

Now I am not a complete prude. I appreciate teens do explore etc but they are all either 12 or 13yo.

I obviously need to do something and not just ignore but what. So far I have come up with

1. Sit DD down and explain I have seen letter. Have a good chat about sex, contraception, self respect, girls getting reputations etc and basically tell her not to touch her bf willy - the latter bit seems a pointless red rag to a bull imo, but open to what others think.

2. Sit DD down for a general chat about all of the above but not letting on I have seen the note.

3. Phone her housemistress and explain the note (even tho I am not 100% sure WHO the other girls is - could be one of 3) and ask for school intervention to keep them apart/close eye on things

All 3, a combination???

I feel out of control about this because she will be at BS for 3 weeks now without coming home. If this was a bf she had at home here and was at home full time I would feel able to have more input in the situation.

Like I said my DH is away and I only have until 4pm on Sunday to decide how the hell I am going to approach this. Its also sods bloody law that for the first time ever both DDs are getting a lift back to school on Sunday night with a friend as a return favour for me bringing their DD home at the start of half term. I am 21/2 hours away from school so its not easy to pop in and see her housemistress or the boys housemaster should I wish to.

Help.

I would speak to the school and get them to crack down in the unsupervised sneaking off, flagging up the location of the secret snogging spot. And I would sound a bit cross, as they are in loco parentis, and this wouldn't happen on your watch. Hopefully that will put a rocket up their arse, and they will rain the Wrath of Khan onto all the pupils about going there. Your dd won't be the only one.

I would do sit down talk with your dd and call/email the housemistress and ask them to keep them apart.
Ultimately though you need to ensure your dd is confident enough to beable to not be pressured into doing things with this bf.

I would do 2 and a bit of 3. I know teachers at a BS - 11-18 though - and they say that it is impossible to stop shenanigans between pupils (despite the fact that they do try hard to avoid it). I'm a wuss, so wouldn't do 1. School have a duty to protect the children, so should be willing to cover for you - not letting on that you've tipped them off.

I went to a co-ed boardinbg school and let me tell you if there's a will there's always a way. Seeking out snogging girls and boys seemed to be the main preoccupation of the house teachers and it was very frustrating for us boys and girls to be constantly on watch for them. I had a very serious boyfriend but there was never enough time or privacy to get up to anyhthing really ahem) naughty, although not for the want of trying.

Anyone who sends their child to a co-ed boarding school is naive if they don't think it happens. However my advice to the OP is to tell the houseteacher in confidence so that he/she can keep an eye on her dd and bf.

What ever happened to trust. From 13/14 we went to discos in the village and walked home. Lovely dark park, I never did anything. My sister was 17 before she did anything. I don't think any of my friends did.
DD1s class mates are rumoured to do all sorts of things. They don't value their education or want to go to university.
Assuming your DD does and assuming she knows about contraception etc. you have to trust her.

If her BF was older then I'd worry about him forcing her, but at 13-14 the girls are the confident ones.
If I'd found out my parents had dropped me in it at school in any way shape or form, they would never have been told anything ever again.

Trust teenagers? Seriously??!

I think you should tell the housemistress and be up front with your daughter about the note. As a year 8 you don't owe her much privacy and you shouldn't feel you are a "prude" for thinking year 8/9 or even year 10 children shouldn't be engaged in sexual activity.

like cyrstalglasses, I went to a co-ed boarding school and have the sex chat, talk to the housemistress. But realise that if they want to they will find a way. There was ALOT of sex going on within the boarding community at the school I attended.

Wow - what alot of replies. I have never vetured much into the teenager section before and was wondering if it would be quiet in here but it seems not.

I have taken all your replies on board. I am going to have to approach the school but not sure exactly what to say - to be upfront about the note or more general.

I tried to talk to DD earlier when she went upto bed. I gave her a book over the Xmas holidays about sex and contraception and STI's so I opend the converstaion with "have you looked at that book" but then was rudely interupted by DD2 vomiting. By the time I got her sorted and settled DD1 was fast asleep!!!

So I will have the chat tomorrow. I dont think I am brave enough to say I have seen the note but open to the possibility, depending on how the conversation develops.

Thanks you for your feedback, its much appreciated as I have been mulling it over all day. Please feel free to add to the replies.

Well done for trying to tackle it OP.

I do think that the school should be made aware - as has been said earlier, they are in loco parentis after all.

FWIW co-ed or not, teens will seek out opportunities. DH went to single sex boarding school, but they had an arrangement with the local girls school, and indeed one of his friends was turfed out for getting a girl pregnant in what would now be Y10.

Well I spoke at length to DD over the weekend in general terms about self respect, sex,STI's, peer pressure, getting out of her depth, getting a reputation, sexting and loads more.

I have also phoned the school and asked for her housemistress to call me back, which she did so whilst I was out this morning, so am hoping to speak to her soon.