DD and money. Arghhhhhhhhh

[BlardyTeens]

First off, I've namechanged for this as DD knows my nickname and I dont want her finding this when she goes on the IPad!

So, she's 14. Has a boyfriend of about 6 months. BF 'dumps' her on a regular basis yet still she goes back for more, and there's nothing anybody can do or say to stop her.

BF's birthday is today (he's 14 too), and DD came downstairs this morning saying that she needed £20 to go into town. When I asked her what for she told me it was BF's birthday and that she wanted to get him something small, i.e. chocolates, and would put £40 in a card for him!

She has £25 in pocket money so wanted me to give her the extra £20. DH and I are really struggling for money at the moment due to DH having his hours cut at work so I told her that we simply couldnt afford to give her it. Cue huge strop and outburst that everybody gives their BF's £40 in cash for their birthdays and that I'm just being horrible because I dont like him.

I explained how much money we have left to last us the month, and what needs to be bought out of that hence we dont have any 'spare'. It was nothing to do with liking or not liking anybody! I told her that if she wants to buy BF or other friends expensive presents or wants to give them that sort of cash then she needs to get a paper round or a part time job. Cue another outburst. "Nobody elses parents make them work, they just give them money" Blah blah blah

I wont back down and give her the money but I feel really awful. I remember what it was like to have a BF at that age and wanting to impress etc. but we really cant afford it! She thinks that money grows on trees and that we are here to just pay for whatever she wants.

She's gone to town now, told me she doesnt know what time she'll be back and slammed the door.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggghhhhhhh! When does it get easier?!

You are absolutely doing the right thing by sticking to your boundary on this one. You are a) modelling financial responsibility and b) showing her that throwing strops won't get her anywhere.

My dd is a similar age, so I can't say when it gets easier, but you have my sympathies.

Yes I think you have to stand your ground here. Also I would have thought £40 was a bit much for a birthday gift at age 14. That's probably what I would spend on my mum or dad or a best friend for birthday gift. My DD 16 and her mates definitely don't go in for gifts of this value, usually about a tenner and then might spend a bit more in going to do something together where the girls chip in to pay for the birthday person. When her Bf had his birthday she gave him a photo album with significant photos in and some of his favourite chocs- spent about £15 or so and he loved it.

Yes, I too think £40 is too much but she won't have it any other way.

Well tough, I'm not giving in, I simply cannot give her what I don't have. If she gets a little job then she can spend whatever she likes on him

It doesn't stop me feeling awful now though . Just got to make sure I don't show her how awful I feel or she'll think she's close to winning!

Don't feel bad, you are definitely dealing with it in the right way. They do have to learn about the value of money. I agree, it is horrible though when they shout and slam doors.....it won't last forever, i hope!

I don't think you're doing anything awful to her. To me it sounds reasonable to say this is how much we can afford and explain the reality to her. If only life was like monopoly but it isn't and I don't think it's too early for her to be appreciating that fact.

If she's insistant she wants to give a bigger present suggest she saves her pocket money for an IOU next month and treats them to cinema or something.

i think it only gets easier when it's their own hard earned cash that's the money being used

You are doing the right thing

We don't give her pocket money, the only money she gets is £3 a week from my mum - mum saves it at her house until DD wants to buy something.

We do however pay for her mobile contract and give her money to go to the cinema or for a pizza with her friends, whenever she needs it.

Maybe that's why she has no concept of money?

You did the right thing my fav sayin% was 'get a job'! Still saying it now...yes 19

I think you have done the right thing. You can't be held hostage by teenage tantrums but it is hard and you do worry that you are mean.
We provide everything ds needs but he has a Saturday job for extras. That would include presents for friends.

Stick with it. Not every teen gets given money for nothing whenever they ask for it. Even if they can make you seem like you are being mean.

yes, I think regular pocket money for her to budget would be better. You could even set up a annual-gift-giving budget for her to juggle. I can see why she's cross, she's used to a limitless bank of mum and dad for whatever she needs.

Agree with all the above. My DCs (12, 13, 16) all get pocket money/monthly allowances.

Oh and DD1 does not put money in card for boyfriend as that would be 'wierd'. As school described, presents between them are inexpensive but personal and meaningful.

Now might be a good time to have a review of pocket money/allowance.

We give my DD an good monthly allowance, and she basically pays for all her own stuff. We pay for school clothes, mobile phone, and big items like winter coat.

Its up to her what she give as presents etc. Its amazing how careful she is with her own money. Sometimes she asks for a donation is she's eating out with friends etc. We usually negotiate, and some times I might treat her, or give a contribution. But it does save a lot of arguments.

When you set it up, write down what she pays for and what you will pay for. Wish we had!

Good heavens, a normal girlfriend/boyfriend present around here would be a small box of Roses chocolates or something. And most teens would consider money in a card a bit creepy. Either these are unusual teens or he is taking her for a ride.

I do think it is time she had a monthly allowance. It takes time to learn to budget and it is better to learn before you have to stand on your own feet.

Agree with everyone that you are absolutely right not to have handed over the money today. Also think the idea of giving another teen £40 in a card is wierd.
I do think in their teens though, they can only get used to budgeting, if you agree to a regular amount each month, and they then learn to spread that throughout the month. It doesn't have to be expensive. my 15 yr old gets £15 a month out of which he pays for his own phone, going out, etc. He reckoned this wasn't enough for what he wants to do, so he's gone and got himself a job. He moans every week at the thought of doing it, but thinks it's worth it for the money. His decision.