Advice for a friend struggling with her teens & life oh wise MN-ers.

[Bossybritches22]

Ok apologies long one!

A dear friend of 25 years is struggling with her teen sons 14&13. Or rather she is struggling and the teens are just one part of it.

They are lovely lively young men, but typical grunting hormonal teens as I see it and she struggles with their attitudes and behaviour. Thing is her DH takes the long view, picks his arguments, choosing to negociate and try and keep lines of communication open.He (by his own admission) doesn't get it right most of the time but at least he keeps them talking. She shouts.

She still sees them as little boys who won't do as they're told, she refers to them as dysfunctional and a challenge (to me ) but also posts negative responses on FB which I don't think is on. They certainly push the boundries but no more than most I don't think. I have witnessed her temper with them and have taken them out for long walks to calm them all down.They are great chums with my 2 girls, who have also witnessed her snappiness with her sons and have commented on it to me unsolicited.

It is v. difficult for me to help as I'm 5 hours drive from her so can't "pop over" but I do what I can. Her DH is also an old chum & talks to me a lot as he knows I know her well & what she is like. He is at the end of his tether as he feels he can't do right for doing wrong whatever he does to try and help, he loves her to bits and it's getting him down.

I think personally she is suffering from depression, having suffered it myself I can see the red flags. The house is a tip apparently but she refuses to let him do any de-cluttering of her stuff. I haven't been for a while but apparently there is a path from her bedroom door round the bed and to the wardrobe beween piles of boxes and papers. Ditto downstairs. She has a stressful job, and is dealing with a mother with Alzheimers and all the emotional and administrative crap that goes with it. She is very negative about the boys and rarely praises the good things about them.

She's not sleeping and is overweight and feels crap she says to me,often in tears on the phone.(we have long chats at all hours) She accepts she is stressed but not depressed. Either way she is making herself ill I feel in just soldiering on. I am trying to ring-fence a w/e to go down to see her but it is dificult to get away at the moment with my own work & family commitments, but it breaks my heart to see her like this. She is a loving,funny,intelligent woman but she is falling apart in front of me.

I know I can't wave a magic wand over it all but any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Bump for the evening crowd,

That poor woman, that's an awful lot on anyone's plate.
Does she have any siblings she can share the care of looking after her Mum with?

She just sounds totally overloaded - no wonder she is stressed and snappy.

From the sounds of things, her son's are the least of her problems and any shouting/screaming from her is kind of a release of her pent up rage.

Has she been to see a doctor or even a counsellor to talk about her own feelings regarding her mum?

I know a few years ago when I split up with my ex, I went to see a counsellor and surprised myself when I spent most of the time pouring my heart out about my mum who'd recently been diagnosed with a serious mental illness. Sometimes you don't even realise how much it affects you.

Are DH & kids helping out in other ways? Even if it's making dinner, hoovering etc?

Basically she's working a stressful full time job, dealing with a terminally ill mum & 2 teenage boys. It's enough to push anyone over the edge.

I think she needs professional help and her DH & kids to seriously step up. I mean, why are they not tidying up? I know she said she won't let them but seriously? They could go take care of her mum whilst she tidies? Or ignore her and tidy up anyway?

Hi all - Beamur No she's an only child which is half the problem, no-one to chew over the pros & cons with although her DH has been supportive. She has had a strained relationship with her mum over the years, adored her Dad & alway felt that the wrong parent died first, then of course felt guilty about it all.

I think a counsellor would be good too niceguy if we could persuade her for all sorts of reasons. I think CBT would be good too (although I'm not a GP) she has always been a negative person-about herself as well as others. We used to joke that she was a cup half empty and I was a cup half full person. She said years ago before the DS' were born that she never expects anytihng good to happen that way she's not disappointed

I think the boys would do more if what they DO do was recognised and appreciated, she focuses on what they DON'T do and nags them. Her DH will spend hours tidying up,putting on washing, cooking etc & then she'll walk in & immediately criticise something so they're all demoralised and so it continues.

I've been pushing them to get a cleaner once a week, they could stretch to it, and I think if that one pressure was taken off them all it would help immensely. They both say they're too embarrased by the state of the house at the moment

Oh & Mum is in a home now so that helps but she has extra pressure from SS to get mums house sold & pay the care fees.

I know somebody with teens similar age girls though and TBH their mum is the same the girls are a challange they have issues etc etc ,
they dont do as they are told have no respect and i dont think mum has the strength in her to deal with them anymore , and she wont let anybody help dad included

they are seperated hes a good dad but mum wont let him disipline them , as they have anger issues they need to work through , we have offered help her own familiy have offered help , and tbh she doesnt want it , all you can do is be there for your friend . as some people dont like being told they see it a slight on their parenting and life iyswim ,