Despair at my teenage son

[Cygnet44]

Hi all
I'm new on here and have joined in the hope I can gain some ideas and empathy, and share my frustrations and despair about my 15 year old son.

My son used to be a lovely, polite boy, although mischievious and talkative. Throughout his school life he has underachieved because he is constantly distracted and distracts others. High school has been very stressful with calls home almost weekly because of his constant low level distractions. He is currently on year tutor report (again!) because of his behaviour and he has an electrical ban at home (no laptop, xbox etc.) until I see I marked improvement at school. His teachers and I are frustrated because we all know he capable of so much more.

I try to encourage him to study for his exams, buying him study guides, paying for a maths tutor (at his request); not interested. His teachers say he needs to revise at home; not interested, says he doesn't care. He has applied for sixth form college and has a visit there tomorrow, but keeps threatening not to go, every time we argue and I fear he won't get in anyway if he doesn't knuckle down for his exams. At times he says he wishes he could go back to the start of high school and change his behaviour but too late now.

I have always bought him up to appreciate and value his education, but to no avail. He leaves school in a few months time and I'm worried for him. It's not easy to find employment in the current climate.

He is now displaying classic teenage traits; stroppy, argumentative, rude, disrespectful and wanting a bank and taxi at his beck and call. Our relationship is a daily battle of the wills; me trying to set the boundaries and my son pushing them to the enth degree, it always ends up with arguments. I try and breathe, keep calm and deal with it like a rational human being but sometimes I just explode!

I cry sometimes at the way he behaves, my husband (my son's step dad) loses it big time with him and shouts. My son doesn't have any contact with his real father (he lives abroad now and has never had much to do with my son, doesn't contribute to his upkeep at all).

I also found out recently my son is smoking and I'm so disappointed at this. My husband and I are both ex-smokers and my son's grandad died from lung cancer through smoking. My son is aware of all the dangers but ignores them. I know they go through these stages but it doesn't make it any easier or feel any better. I've stopped his monthly allowance until he stops, because I'm not giving him money so he can buy cigarettes!

I feel my son is getting out of control; however there are times when he is so helpful and lovely and hugs his mum, but other times I could just swing for him!

I'm sure this is is familiar to a lot of you mums out there and I would be interested and grateful to know how you dealt with your teen and how you got through it.

Thanks for reading

Well this sounds exactly like DD1 at the same age - she says now that she just didn't "get" why working hard at school was important. She's 20 now and after years of annoying teachers and doing the minimum amount work she finally "got it" when she went to university at 18. DS is 15 and he has a plan for what he wants to do in later life and he'll need good gcse and A level grades because he has decided for himself what he wants to do it keeps him motivated. So perhaps a different approach of trying to get your DS to realise why he has to work hard at school, does he have any idea what he wants to do?

As for the bad behaviour - I wish now that I had realised that I couldn't control DD1's behaviour but I could control my reaction. We were screaming harpies for a lot of the time and I wish I'd been able to take a step back and react more calmly as I think it would have helped (difficult I know when emotions are running high).

Thanks webwiz for your reply. My son has a very creative imagination and loves media, graphics, video editing, gaming etc. He's applied for a creative media course at college. I'm hoping and praying he's gets a place because I feel it will be the making of him. I say to him he needs to get his GCSE grades to be able to be in with a chance of securing a place. However, when we 'fall out', he says he's not going to college, not going to do anything and doesn't care. I know he says these things to get at me and it's so upsetting. I try to ignore it but it's hard, I say to him it's his future he is affecting, not mine.
I know I can't control his behaviour but I will take your advice and try and stay a lot calmer and walk away.
I actually did that earlier and left him sulking in his room and after 15 minutes or so he came and apologised, so it does work! I'm hoping I can stay as calm when he trys to keep the argument going; I walk away but he continues, following me around the house! I will try though :-)

Cygnet I have no real advice for you, sorry, but just came on to say you're not alone if that helps! Everything you say is pretty much how my DS behaves - he's 14 and in year 10. We chug along fine for a couple of weeks and then bang! - something else erupts. We went through a bad time before Christmas when he'd been caught drinking & smoking. He was grounded for about 3 weeks, no phone etc, but then gradually over Christmas we relented and things have gone back to normal.

Once he starts going out and mixing with the old crowd the same old stuff happens - phone calls home from school etc etc, just as you describe. It's infuriating isn't it?

I'm sure you'll listen to the good advice from Maryz and webwiz and in meantime, hang in there - hugs and sympathy from me.

Thanks Maryz for your wise words; you're right I do take it personally a lot of the time. And he sure knows how to push my buttons! I'm trying so hard not to 'bite'.
@hadagutsfull (how I feel sometimes!), thanks for your empathy and yes it is infuriating and also quite sad :-( although I try and take some comfort from the fact he will grow out of it. I just hope it's soon :-)

at him following you round the house to keep the argument going Cygnet, they can be very trying when they want to be.

DD1 was quite insecure about her abilities at school and was reluctant to be seen to be trying too much in case it didn't work out. In fact she was generally insecure and that was the root of a lot of the problems. Maybe take your DS by surprise and take him out for a hot chocolate and a muffin and try and get him to talk to you. DS he tells me so much more if I take him out for a bacon sandwich at the weekend than he would ever tell me in the house.

Take heart that they do grow up to be nice young adults in the end. DD1 is spending the 3rd year of her degree studying at an American University and is having a fabulous time working hard and meeting new people. I think I would have laughed my head off if you had suggested that was what she would be doing when she was 15.

I'm sitting here in floods of tears writing this :(. My son had a taster/familiarisation day today at the college he has applied for. He was supposed to be at his school for 9am to catch the coach to the next town the college is in (some 16 miles away). He said last night he was getting up early and would start walking at 8am because it's icy outside.
I've been off work this week with a flu type virus and am not feeling 100%; I've not been out of the house since Saturday and have not attempted to try and move my car off the drive it's so treacherous.
So this morning he does get up at 7.15am, showers and has breakfast. He then wakes me at 8am demanding a lift as it's 'too cold to walk'. I respond that I'm not able to give him a lift because I'm not well and cannot get the car off the drive. So he refuses to go. The next 50 minutes are spent with him goading me, following me around the house saying he doesn't want to go to college anyway, doesn't care, isn't going to do his exams etc. etc. I end up in tears and do not want to speak or get into an argument with him. He tried to pick an argument about everything.
I told him to go to school and join in the 6th form induction day or use the time to catch up on course work. He argued about that. He then said he wanted to go to the college. By this time it was too late for him to get to school to catch the coach.

I finally managed to get him out of the door at 9.20am. I phoned the school to let them know and am waiting for a call back.

I'm so so deeply upset and disappointed at his attitude. I told him if he really wanted to go to college he would have made the effort and taken responsibility for getting himself there, he had plenty of time. He has managed to walk to school every morning this week (it's under a mile away!) and went out with his mates yesterday evening in the cold.

I feel like in some way I've let him down by standing my ground and not giving him a lift, even though I feel too weak and the car is sitting in ice on my drive. He has now missed out on the opportunity to visit the college he has applied for. I just can't stop crying about it. I'm hoping that the realisation sets in that because of his actions this morning, he has missed out, and possible jeopardised his college application . But I'm thinking he will continue to blame me for it.

I can't do right for doing wrong. I really thought he would step up this morning and go off all excited and have lots to tell me when he got home. But that's not going to happen now. I feel he has just got himself into more trouble with the school.

Thanks for reading, I had to write this to help me cope with it all.

I sympathise so much. Ds is 15 and sounds exactly the same. We asked him what he was going to do if he had no intention of trying to get the grades he needs for college. We said he wasn't sponging off us and he would have to get a job and pay rent. This scared the he'll out of him and he pulled his finger out for a couple of weeks.

He went to his college interview on Monday and came back with a conditional offer of 5Es. He now can't be bothered to do anything because he thinks it's easy.

I feel like we are back to square one. He shouts and rages and interrupts. He follows me round the house too. Last night he had a two hr tantrum over a bottle of lemonade.

Dh is ds's stepdad too and like your dh always engages with ds and then loses his temper and shouts back. I try to keep calm but it's not always possible. I cry too.

I don't have much good advice but I want you to know you are not alone. Fwiw I wouldn't have taken him this morning either.

I've been having issues with my dd (14) and someone on here recommended this book www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1846680875 which I have found really helpful and you might too?

webwiz you have no idea how reassured I feel when reading about your DD1 ,I wonder if it is partly a fist born thing.Your DD sounds so like DS ,he once deliberatly failed an exam in his best subject becasue he was scared of not doing as well as the others in his set!

Currently (yes this very afternoon)having interview for a much oversubscribed university course ,DH has taken him mostly because of the shenanigans we have had over the last week building up to it ,the temper tantrums ,shouting ,tears and following around house.He is good enough for this course infact I think he would be fantastic at it but all of this is about his lack of self belief and need to make sure someone else takes responsibility for everything.I desparately wanted to take him but knew that we would just whip each other into a frenzy so calm dh has taken him (of course according the ds it will all be my fault if he doesn't get in)

OP I do think that the best advice I have had is to try to control your reactions (very hard I know)he will realise and if hen doesn't get on the course this time maybe next time ,they do grow up a lot I found between 16 and 17 and many colleges do have spaces in the summer ,16 year olds are famously fickle .

Update, it gets worse and I'm so so upset, my eyes are so swollen with crying today, I have a headache and feel so stressed out.

My son went off to school, was found wandering around the corridors doing nothing and so got into trouble with the Vice Principle, who phoned me and told me he was sending him home as there's no lessons he can do today as everyone is either at colleges looking around or in the 6th form induction. I was told my son does not have the option of staying on at 6th form because of his attitude and behaviour and the problems this has caused.

So my son comes home, full of blame for me, it's my fault I shouldn't have sent him to school. He's followed me around the house since his return goading me, intimidating me and getting in my face. It's so hard not to react. I've taken his mobile phone and ipod from him now.

And then it get's even worse: I then get a call this afternoon from his year tutor who informs me he has been told about Charlie's behaviour this morning and the school have decided that after half term, he can only attend school on a reduced timetable from 9am - 12pm. He will miss out on certain lessons. The school have basically given up trying to engage in with his education and get him to focus, they've tried everything. It was all the year tutor could do to stop my son from being permanently excluded. He only has 9 weeks left and all his exams to get through. I couldn't say much I was so choaked and upset. I've told my son and I'm now getting a mixture of remorse and a don't care attitude.

My husband is away working, however I know he wouldn't have been calm and rational and taken him this morning.

I'm at the end of my tether, I feel like driving him to the nearest airport and plonking him on a plane to Spain, phoning his real father and telling him to get on with it, because I've had enough!

@TheOneWithTheHair, you're not alone, it's the most frustrating, upsetting thing in the world.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading.

Oh cygnet poor you. I wish I could help but I'm as lost as you.
We tried money as an incentive for good results but it didn't work. It might for you.
I know it's hard but try to get him to revise while he is at home and ground him during school hrs when he is at home or he'll see it as an excuse to doss more.

Are you dreading telling your dh? I would be because of the tantrum to follow. Keep posting about how you're getting on.

Good luck.

Sorry to hear about your day Cynget Do you think your DS is scared of the idea of college? He's done a spectacular piece of self sabotage which from the outside looks like he is seriously worried about going on to college and instead of actually saying that he has behaved in a wonderfully teenage way.

I would ask for a meeting with the school after half term when you have all had a chance to calm down and try and get a more sensible way forward.

When you are in the middle of it all it is difficult to see a way forward but if it all goes pearshaped and he does have to reapply to college or has to retake things it is ok. You'll all survive and he will grow up in the end. He'll have to work till he's 70 so if he doesn't get there straight away it doesn't mean he won't be successful in the end.

My DB didn't do any work at school and crammed for his O levels at the last minute then found out he couldn't do the same for A levels. He had to repeat his last year at sixth form and then did exactly the same thing at university and had to transfer to a new university to repeat his first year. My parents were tearing their hair out with him but now he's a dentist and married with two children. He got there in the end but it just took him a bit longer.

I think it must be a full moon because if you read the other threads in here all the teens are playing up.

I second what Maryz said, when I look back at difficult times the thing I wish I could have done differently is managed to stay calm and not taken DD's behaviour personally. She did push me to the limit but she wasn't feeling very happy with herself and life in general and rightly or wrongly it was me that she lashed out at. My younger two are happier and more confident in themselves and have never behaved in the same way.

mrswoodentop DD1 did a good line in self sabotage, if ever she accidently did well in something she made sure that didn't happen again I've no idea how she got into her first choice university because she didn't get the grades she needed - perhaps they knew something we didn't. We though she'd be back home within a week saying she didn't like it. I'm still that she's done so well.

It's so reassuring to find there are so many others going through the same as us with our DS (14)! Maryz's advice is just so sensible - of course it's not the end of the world but it just all feels so awful at the time. If you're being followed round the house, how about just getting into the car and driving away for half an hour? I do this when I'm really losing the plot and it really helps defuse things.

Cygnet - how goes it? Just read these posts and am reminded, in different ways, of all my DCs! Boy, is it hard brining up teenagers. I still think it's just me with the problems until I come onto this tread.

A thought about a possible meeting at the school - could you get DH to come? Maybe he needs to be more involved in the practicalities of dealing with the next few months until DS leaves school. Is there a school counselor or similar who could attend a meeting? Seems to me that there's a pastoral issue here, as well as behavioral and academic.

And YOU - you mustn't let this get on top of you - you sounded so tired. Notahotel's suggestion that you take a break is a good one.

Maryz is right. DS is probably angry with himself and that's something that he's misdirecting - ie at you. He has no business making you so unhappy and tired, especially as you're clearly a loving mother who wants what's best for her son. Take care of yourself.

In many ways your son reminds me of my son, Cygnet -- especially the following you around and refusing to let the antagonism drop.

We had dreadful problems from well before his teens until just a few months ago (he is 16 and a half now). He was coasting at school, refusing to take any responsibility for himself for example routinely missing his school bus and aggressively demanding lifts and he was oppositional and confrontational with me and dh to the point where I was very seriously worried.

But a light went on in his brain, a switch turned. That is the only way I can describe it. It was at exactly the point at which he moved on to 6th form (but that is incidental, the trigger that I hope will come for your son might be something else).

He is more responsible now and much less confrontational. Of course we still have problems and still sometimes despair of him, but now it just seems like "normal teen" stuff.

The point I wanted to make was that (as we now realise) BEFORE he was ready to grow up a bit, NOTHING we did or said seemed to make any impact at all (except to increase the level of tension); and AFTER he decided to change, our interventions suddenly didn't seem necessary in any case. I learned that as parents of tenagers we are so much in the back seat, we can't do anything for them or make them do things for themselves. And that is so so hard. But deep down, I do think that what we say is filtering in to them and kind of lying there, ready to be activated when they have reached a "growing up" turning point and feel ready to change for themselves.

Many professionals speak of a period of physical growth and rapid development in the teenage brain, which leaves teenagers temprarily a bit flummoxed and unable to process things which we feel should be obvious to them. From my own experience I think that is the case.