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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boyfriend staying overnight

15 replies

TeenMumDilemma · 07/02/2012 08:32

I'm looking for perspective on this.

DD1 is 16, she has been dating her boyfriend for a while now. She recently went on the pill, we talked about this beforehand. DD1 and I have a good relationship I believe and there are no off-limits topics.

The thing is that DD1 has asked when she and her boyfriend can spend the night together either at our house or at boyfriend's house.

This hasnt come out of left field and of course I knew it would come up at some point. I just feel that spending the night together is a huge step in a relationship. This also feels like a huge step for DH and me and the younger DCs.

I dont know what to do. I have said to DD that this is a big question and I will need time to talk to DH and that I also think that not until after GCSEs. However I do wonder if I am just putting her off for a while longer.

What to do for the best? All thoughts gratefully received!

OP posts:

Grumpla · 07/02/2012 08:35

My parents never let me have boyfriends to stay over in my room until I was back from uni.

I had a lot of sex in parks.

I think you have to decide what this means in terms of setting precedents etc eg when she gets bored of this boyfriend does the next one automatically get shag room in your house, or are there certain protocols that must be followed by each successive love-lorn swain?

Gumby · 07/02/2012 08:37

My parents didn't let me sleep in tte same room as dh until we were married
His mum was fine with it but we were early twenties
I don't think I'd let her at 16 tbh
Just feels too young

Tortington · 07/02/2012 08:37

i think its best to be open and honest that way you are in the picture. instead of burying your head and thinking it isn't happening. you clearl hafve a good realtionship.

at 16 i did let dd have a boy over to stay. i said he could sleep on settee - i woke up early to find him in her bed so he didn't stay again

Gumby · 07/02/2012 08:39

Yes if you've got a spare room he coukd sleep in that

Will his parents let her stay over?

When I was 18 I told my parents I was at a sleepover at a girl- friends

Really I was losing my virginity to my 24 yr old boyfriend at his parents

newmum001 · 07/02/2012 08:44

I think if you say he can stay but in the spare room he will sneak into her room at some point during the night. If you're going to allow him to sleep over then you might as well just let him stay in her room. Tbh from what you've said about your daughter she seems pretty sensible, I'd let him sleep over as long as his parents were ok with it too obviously.

newmum001 · 07/02/2012 08:44

catsrus · 07/02/2012 08:50

I've been through this - in the end my view was I couldn't stop them having sex, I hoped I'd done enough up to that point to instill some morals and good sense into her, i would rather she was home and safe and in bed with a bf than anywhere risky, given that they would have sex if they wanted to anyway it didn't seem to be a sensible battle line to draw in that particular spot!

purplecupcake · 07/02/2012 08:51

My DD has been sleeping at her Bf's place since she had just turned 17, infact she spends more time there now than she does at home.

My other DD who is 16 asked if her bf could stay over in the same bed, i did agree but it never happened as they broke up before hand.

I do also think it depends on how much you trust your child, just because she wants him to stay over doesnt mean they have to be having sex in your house..and make sure she knows this!

sleepybump · 07/02/2012 09:05

I dont have a 16yr old but i was a 16 yr old with a 17yr old boyfriend. Two things i came to realise later -it made my 11yr old brother feel really awkward towards me and this bf he suddenly had to like (turned out to be a nasty piece of work, but took me 3yrs to move on!). And secondly, experoenced by both my closest friends at around the same time, the pill isnt 100%! Ypu may want to subtly run it by his parents first -juuuust incase you enable something you hadnt expected. I would also recommend younger dc's are away for the night, that is until they know him well enough from being around them/the housr a while (during daylight i mean!) its a big president to set for them. xx

Original poster

TeenMumDilemma · 07/02/2012 09:06

Boyfriend is 18. We have no spare room so this would mean sleeping in DDs bedroom.

My question isnt really about sex. I'm not daft, DD1 is on the pill, bf and DD1 spend evenings together in DD1's room. Generally he is booted out at around 10pm on week nights and 11pm to midnight at weekends. He works and goes to college so they arent together every evening.

I have had time to think about it (I posted straight after DD1 had asked then gone off to school). The precedent is a big factor, if I say yes now then will the bf be moving in? What happens if/when the relationship ends?

What about the younger DCs? They know DD's bf but if he stays the night then it pushes the nature of their relationship under the other DCs noses.

What about DH and me? It's hard enough maintaining a sex life with nocturnal teenage DCs. If the bf is here then I know that DH and I wont feel comfortable enough!

I just feel that we are getting onto secure ground then I look down and find its quick sand.

OP posts:

schoolchauffeur · 07/02/2012 09:39

Hi TeenMumDilemma. I had a similar issue with this and posted a thread back in January here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1377720-DD-16-and-Bf-15-does-this-seem-fair-or-have-I-been-too-generous and I got a lot of helpful advice.
I agree with the problem re younger DCs. I have a DS 14 and I am trying to balance giving my DD nearly 17 now what I think is an appropriate level of freedom whilst still setting DS a good example. One of the best bits of advice I received was that you need to set a precedent for what happens in future. In our case since she is only 16 we have said it will be on a case by case basis and that we think that we won't allow this until the relationship is a year old - showing real commitment to each other. Also we happen to particularly like this boy- if I had to go out and choose a bf for DD I couldn't have found a better one tbh!
This might not be so practical for you though- for us its easier as both away at school where no contact allowed, he lives 100 miles away from us so all their contact time is pretty heavily supervised.
He sleeps in spare room here and we have various rules which they have stuck to- told them if rules were broken he wasn't coming back, but we haven't really had to issue any reminders - they have followed the rules. Also bf is not 16 until summer and they have said that for them it is important to wait until then.
We have also said to DD that if they split up and a new bf appears then all bets are off and we will discuss the new relationship as and when.

Overall my view is that at 16 and a half and 17 ( which is the ages they will be by the time they get to sleep here) I would rather they were warm and safe in my house than feeling forced to take risks in dodgy situations elsewhere.
We have a spare room so I have said that once he is 16, he will still be given that room, but that provided they are discreet ( ie it appears to DS that they are each in their own rooms) I will not be checking where they spend the night.
I am in two minds still about what discussions I will be having with his parents- only met them briefly a couple of times and they have much younger DCs and DD has to share with bfs sister when there so I think the rules will be different there. Part of me thinks that I would want to know what my DS was up to- another part of me thinks that at over 16, provided I know he is equipped to protect himself and ensures that his gf is protected too, that his physical relationships are none of my business once he is of age. And that bf's parents can't really dictate what happens in my house- except of course if I raise it with them and they object I am in a catch 22 situation being back to having to supervise two teenagers like toddlers to ensure they aren't left alone in the house together or worse they can of course prevent him from coming here as he needs access to lifts etc and their co-operation to even get here!

Good luck! Above all just keep the communication going with DD- at least she is asking you and you are talking about it!

Original poster

TeenMumDilemma · 07/02/2012 09:59

Thanks all, I feel more comfortable with next steps. All I have to do now is persuade DH to abondon is Victorian Father mutton chops and all will be well!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 07/02/2012 10:08

I wouldn't be bothered about the sex - you seem to have that well covered - but I wouldn't want overnight visitors.

It's my house, not dd's - when she moves out she can have people to stay at her place but until then I get to choose who stays. Right now she has very occasional (like twice a year) sleepovers but we live in a fairly small place and I like my privacy and quiet at night.

Listmaker · 08/02/2012 13:21

I have three dsds and we've now had to confront this three times! The latest one just this last weekend. She is 17 and the bf is 16 - same school year and they've been together 18 months, he's a lovely lad etc so we said yes. I do know his Mum a bit so I emailed her to let her know and ask if it was OK with her. She was really pleased I let her know and said she didn't have a problem.

Dsd3's older siblings did things slightly differently. The oldest was 18 before she had a serious bf but then did ask if he could stay pretty early on but she's not a frivolous type so we knew it was serious and they were indeed together for the next 3 years.

Dsd2 had long term bfs from the age of 14 and these were only allowed to stay in other rooms. But once she was in the 6th form and met someone she was really keen on we caved in on it and she is still with him 3.5 years later.

So my dds (14 and 12) have seen these boys staying but also have seen that these were long relationships with nice boys who treated the dsds really well. So I think it's not a bad precedent to set.

I think (as others have said) that they are going to be doing it so it might as well be in safe environment.

Original poster

TeenMumDilemma · 08/02/2012 22:58

Many thanks for all the perspectives. I have talked with DD about this. She is age 16 in year 11. I have said that while she is still at school (ie year 11) I do not want her bf to stay overnight here or for her to stay overnight with her bf. She seemed quite happy with that, I think that some of the problem is that what is normal in her school is out of kilter with what is normal elsewhere.

OP posts:

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