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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sould I just let 11 yr old ds live on toast and croissants?

29 replies

VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 16:56

He has always been a fussy eater and we have tried many different strategies with varying degrees of success. He would make progress, eat a wider range of foods and then regress

For example this morning he had 2 slices of toast, a croissant and 2 mini pain au chocolats. His brother had porridge and his sister had pancakes and fruit salad. For his packed lunch at school he had a plain bagel. That's all. When he came home he was hungry and usually has a raw carrot while I cook, but when I gave it to him he tells me he doesn't like carrots anymore and could he have some bread. I explained that everything he had eaten today was wheat based and he needed to have something else. I offered him whatever he wanted from the fridge but he refused. Consequently he was in a huff with me and so refused to eat his lunch. I know this is a power thing.

He's a smart kid, he knows all about nutrition as I have been droning on about it for years, and he has been learning about healthy eating at school. He is small for his age, very pale and looks malnourished. Trying to feed him well is the single most stressful thing in my life, but I am banging my head off a brick wall.

So, should I just let him eat what he wants in pursuit of a quiet life?

OP posts:
Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 16:57

Should Blush

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 06/02/2012 16:59

Wow, he loves his carbs! Which in turn is sugar..

No, think you need to still keep trying here. My teens all changed their eating habits once they hit 13....they stopped being picky and eat good things now.

Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:02

Very true about the sugar. The thing is the rest of the family have a really good diet and I feel like such a failure with ds Sad

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colditz · 06/02/2012 17:04

No, he'll get HORRIBLY constipated, and really quite fat.

Saying that, I am BRUTAL about food. Eat it or starve, in this house.

colditz · 06/02/2012 17:04

It's clearly NOT your doing that he's fussy, or they all would be.

NatashaBee · 06/02/2012 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:12

Well he's not fat Colditz, he's painfully skinny. The only other thing he will eat is meat, he loves steak or a roast.

I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me feeling guilty. Thanks for that though.

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HattiFattner · 06/02/2012 17:15

try a new recipe every week. Opt for something in which you can add veggies. Or fruit. It doesnt have to be a main course, it could be a fruity pudding. I find BBC good food website very good and have cooked lots of their top rated recipes.

We often pick an ingredient and then look for something new to cook with it.

101 ways with chicken....

I think sometimes we need to kick them out of their rut in eating - my ds would eat ham sandwiches and tomato soup every day if he had his own way.

SO now we try a weekly recipe, which everyone has to try on the basis that it is new, so they cant tell me in advance that they dont like it as they have never tried it. We do the same with veggies - they have to try it once. Both boys liked beetroot as a veg, and none of us like Jerusalem artichokes for example. AT the end of the meal, they rate it with a decision do we make it again or not. Since doing this, we have added 7 or 8 new favourites to the boring repetoir of dinners.

Give him one of those chewy vitamins every day too.

Snacks after school should only be fruits/vegs, so when mine tell me they are hungry, they can have a banana or an apple....no other choices. AMazingly they are either hungry enough, or manage to wait until dinner.

Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:16

Natasha, he has a good multivitamin with omegas every day. No fruit whatsoever, will (sometimes) eat raw carrot, one or two baby corn or a spear of tenderstem brocolli (not all on the same day though!) No dairy except for parmesan on his pasta, wouldn't dream of drinking milk, eating yoghurt, etc. He will eat a baked potato but with nothing on it.

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Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:26

Hatti I have tried that approach before, and am an avid collector of cookery books and try new recipes all the time.

I suppose I'm just fed up with the sheer hard work of trying to feed him!

The approach of eat what I give you or starve doesn't work as he is so stubborn he will not give in and his blood sugar drops so low that he has a complete meltdown, like a toddler having a tantrum.

He just doesn't enjoy food, I think he would be happy to be fed intravenously!

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CiderwithBuda · 06/02/2012 17:26

Wow. I thought DS was bad. He is not by a long shot!

What about involving him with cooking? We did Come Dine With Me and DS chose his menu and cooked most of it with a bit of help. He chose to make chicken goujons to start, followed by pasta carbonara and was going to make ice cream but we ran out of time. Next time I think he will be more adventurous.

You could try something similar with the rule that everyone has to try what the others have cooked.

What about smoothies?

Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:27

Thanks though Hatti, hope I didn't sound ungrateful there Smile

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Original poster
VerityBrulee · 06/02/2012 17:33

Have tried that too Buda, got the kids cookery books, get him to help cook dinner, etc. No joy. Glad your ds looks good in comparison Wink

He wouldn't even look at a smoothie. Or cake, ice-cream, etc. He is a hardcore food refuser Grin

He is a lovely boy, but the eating issue really strains our relationship. That's why I wondered whether I should just let it go, let him eat what he wants and thus diffuse much of the day-to-day stress.

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talkingnonsense · 06/02/2012 17:47

I think in your shoes I would be tempted to give up for at least a while, to try and take the stress out. But first, go to the gp. Odd as it sounds he could be coeliac, or hve ibs, which can lead to unhelpful carb cravings.

CiderwithBuda · 06/02/2012 18:03

Difficult one. I think I would leave for now and then sit down with him calmly and without his siblings and make a list of all the things he DOES like and maybe agree with him that you won't nag him about what he won't eat if he promises faithfully to eat as much variety of the helalthy stuff that he does eat every day so that you know he is getting as much good stuff as is possible at the moment.

SecretSquirrels · 06/02/2012 19:50

Is he actually underweight do you think?
Might it be worth getting your GP on side to give him a stern talk about the necessity of eating a balanced diet? Dsis did this with her DD who has always had food issues and got a very positive response.
I say this because sometimes even though you have said all the right things as a parent, when an authority figure says them they sit up and take notice.
Perhaps you have to make it clear that you understand he doesn't enjoy food but his body needs the correct fuel to function and it is your job as his parent to make sure he isn't allowed to make himself ill.

You do have my sympathy though, it's a real test of patience.

HattiFattner · 07/02/2012 10:42

hmm....Id also be tempted to write a list of food he will eat, and then make those foods regularly, but slip in some veg or deliberately put veg on plate so that he knows he cant have one without the other.

Id be very worried about his calcium intake at the moment. WIll he eat cheesy sauce on eg lasagne or other pasta dishes?

He needs huge amounts of calcium in the next few years - more than at any other time of his life. look here - needs 1300mg calcium. He's not getting anywhere near enough from your description of his eating habits.

seeker · 07/02/2012 10:52

At dinner, serve food. Leave it there til everyone else has finished. Take food away. No begging, emotion or indeed any comment at all.

Don't let him have so carbohydrates for breakfast- it will stop him being hungry. Maybe the toast only. Then a healthy lunchbox - but with his bagel as well. Oh, and don't put anything too expensive in there- you need to be able to throw it away without comment! Or make sure it's things that will keep for the next day.

In my experience, unless there are really serious issues that are beyond the scope of this forum, once all emotion is removes from the suituation, food start to improve.

Original poster
VerityBrulee · 07/02/2012 17:42

Sorry, I've had a crazy day and have only just had time to check back. Lots of good ideas, thanks, it's much appreciated.

Calcium intake really bothers me, i know he is getting next to nothing at the moment. I think the suggestion of getting the GP to talk to him is good, I will look into that. If I have to pay 60 Euro for a GP appointment, ds had better listen to him though! (we are in Ireland)

S

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Original poster
VerityBrulee · 07/02/2012 17:47

Seeker, I have been trying that approach for years, but this boy has a will of steel Grin

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HattiFattner · 07/02/2012 18:43

Verity, Id also continue to try different things - would he drink flavoured milk? ice cream? custard? frozen yogurt? Yogurt drinks? Maybe on the calcium front he would respond to : YOu need 1300 mg of calcium a day. Its this strawberry milk, this tin of sardines, or this big bowl of kale. Which do you want? "

Will of steel notwithstanding, he is old enough now to take control over his eating....and to understand the consequences of not taking in the right nutrients. You cannot force him to eat, but Ive learned that kids will eventually eat what's in front of them if they are not given the option of bread and jam.

Amazingly, we have many fussy Scouts to cater for on camp. The child who will not eat cottage pie will deign to eat mash potato, mince and gravy. CHildren who will not eat mince will eat meatballs, children who will only eat M&S finest bread will enjoy asda smartprice bread, children who only eat white bread will tuck into wholemeal. ANd the child that eats no fruit will be crunching away at an apple after the first day. It never ceases to amaze me that fussy eaters are far less fussy when their mums aren't there.

GnomeDePlume · 07/02/2012 19:38

My DS is also difficult to feed and is as skinny as a rake, he also adores bread. We have tried not to make food a battleground. The bread we have is 50/50, DS has two cartons of fruitjuice in his lunch (he wont eat fruit). When we have mince we always finely chop carrot into it (DS is not aware that this is done).

triplets · 07/02/2012 21:52

Thank God Im not the only one with this problem. My trio have just turned 14. My two boys eat relatively well, no problems. My dd is another matter and tonight she has made me so stressed I could have cried. Supper tonight was chicken curry, homemade, usual go withers, a meal 5 of us usually enjoy. Tonight she just picked as she usually does, then left it. Whilst I was getting the boys ready for cadets she took a Rolo yogurt so I was furious with her. I cleared up and went to watch tv. An hour later she had been into the kitchen/diner to watch tv and she had taken and eaten 3 more yogurts, left the pots/spoon on my shelf, angry wasnt the word. I was so worked up I asked her Dad to speak to her. She told him that all the food I give her is rubbish, she hates my food and why can`t we have more take aways like her friends? She never eats her packed lunch, half always comes back. I worry about her diet, I know its important but am at a loss what to do. When they were tiny they all ate the same as we do, where has it gone wrong?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2012 14:26

Verity,

I am sorry to say that this is a battle you will not win. It is not necessarily a power based issue either as this is a long term problem, this is not him necessarily exerting any power here. He has a very real fear of food and it is not totally uncommon.

It is not your fault your son is what could be termed a "resistant eater" and you did not make him such an eater. Sometimes this happens because the child has underlying sensory oral issues to do with taste and or texture. Many such children as well will only eat a certain type of foodstuff willingly; infact the example you cite of bread is a common example. Its safe to them.

BTW does he has issues re feel of seams on clothes against skin, seams on socks etc?. If so that also points to sensory problems.

There are helpful publications on Amazon that may help you further with this issue. Learning about healthy eating at school as well can also be more of a hindrence than a help to such children, trying new foods is a very real fear that they have.

If he is a resistant eater then such children would rather go hungry than eat anything that appears strange to them and such food will always be refused. A stern talking to by the GP will have no effect whatsoever either. If you are worried re his eating I would seek out the advice of a developmental paediatrician and or dietician who is highly experienced in dealing with childhood eating problems.

cumbria81 · 08/02/2012 15:53

All I eat is carbs and bread based products. I am not remotely fat. It is genuinely the only thing that fills me up and that I like. I am a fully grown adult and have survived this long. Maybe your son is the same.