14 year old boy with poor social skills.

[Tau]

My 14 year old son is a bright, generally sweet and reasonable boy. He does well in school, both academically and with his behaviour.
I'm told by him as well as his teachers that in the lessons he gets along well and manages to work together with most other kids. In breaktime he hangs around with the same three friends, two of whom he also has contact with outside school. The problem is that they are all in year 11, so they'll be away next year, and my son is in year 10. So he will still be in the school once they are gone.

My son seems to be unable to make other friends. He doesn't know how.
I recently went with him to a school activity, and I saw how he reacts to others. They say hello, he says hello back and that's it. He doesn't connect any further, takes no initiative, and stands far away from the others.
I also asked him there to go to the bar and have our glasses refilled with water. He needed me to point out who to ask (the lady behind the bar... d'uh!) and then he went in her direction, and said nothing. She eventually noticed him, and logically assumed he was bringing the glasses back so she took them from him. He still said nothing so we had no water....
He is not shy, he just doesn't know how to do those things.

Now if I'm honest he's never been any different, but I was hoping he'd learn with growing up... I do explain to him how to do practical things, like that bar and buying things in shops, but to be even more honest my friend-making skills leave much to be desired as well, so I can't really help him there. My husband is just as bad. :o

Now I had a difficult time because of this when I was younger, and I don't want him to go through that as well. I'm worried that next year he'll be lonely and lost during breaktimes, and that he will lose contact with the friends he has. They are just as unlikely to keep in touch as he is if they don't see each other in school. His best friend of the three has Asperger's syndrome and the other two are also a tad unusual and socially clumsy. I do wonder if my son might have a similar problem; I wonder if it would be a good or bad idea to have that looked into.

I will take it up with his mentor, but I was hoping that someone here had something sensible to say.

Is he very bright academically? My husband is the same and also 16 year old DD.

They are both super intelligent with high IQ's but seem to be totally gormless on a social level

It may well be that your DS is very happy with his own company and so has become a bit 'lazy' on a social level.

Do you do alot for him at home or does he take responsibility for some of the cooking/cleaning etc

How much time does he spend on XBox/computer etc?

Have you ever watched a TV series called 'The Big Bang Theory'? If not get yourself a copy of the first series on DVD from Amazon and watch it as a family. It may well answer some of your problems and it is very funny.

Thanks Betty and Rose.

Yes, he is very bright - he is in the top group in school, and the best of his year in maths. The other kids in his group are all bright. They're generally nice too, but still he makes no friends with them outside the lessons.

He needs a lot of time alone, but to be completely friendless in school does worry him a little.
He has chores in the house, and I taught him how to do the shopping for a reason! ;-)

I admit that -like me and my husband- he does spend too much time behind the computer, especially during weekends. Not online though, his PC is not connected to internet. We have no gamescomputer, only PCs and laptops - five of those for three people.

I've seen the big bang theory a few times. It was very good, but the laughing bag got on my nerves. There is indeed some resemblance between my son and his friends and those guys....

Poor kid has no real chance, has he? Comes from a family of geeks, and the only friends he ever made are even geekier than he is.

The world need geeks Tau but maybe try and steer him in direction of being a chic geek

My DD also struggles to 'bother' with friends - even those who are similarly wired.

Does you DS like comics? The whole manga thing? This seems to be quite popular among my DD and her ilk

There is some sort of meet up for teens happening in Manchester in the sumner and I am considering letting her go as she will have the chance to mix with her peers.

She is very unique and we love her to bits although we are careful not to allow her to rest her laurels too much with friends and socialisation.

Laughing too at mention of Big Bang Theory - if you ever wondered what a female Sheldon was like then come and meet my daughter.

Well my kids are now totally clued up on Asperger's syndrome. The way that Jim Parsons acts Sheldon is incredible. He really isnt interested in relationships or gossip and he is happy. We are all wired differently.

Maybe try and chat with your son to see what he wants. You could be worrying unnecessarily. X

I'm not just worried about his friendships or lack thereof though; I'm also worried about how he will manage once he is living on his own.
He has quite a lot of difficulty speaking to people -whether he knows them or not- in public places, even shops, to simply ask something.

My worries are not just to do with him - I was very similar, and I didn't manage; I made a terrible mess of my life and I don't want the same to happen to him. I know that it might not happen like that- he is not me after all. But he does seem to have inherited all my shortcomings.....

I guess all parents want to protect there children from making the same mistakes as they did. But this isn't so much a mistake as a lack of ability. Running an adult life is not that easy. And it isn't just socializing; it's also organizing and stuff.

I don't know the big bang show that well, but from what I have seen I think that Sheldon character makes a fair example - in real life someone like that would not manage to keep his life sorted without assistance. Now my son is not that bad, and I think he could learn.

I'm just not sure how to go about it and what the best thing would be.

He is away atm, will be back on Wednesday. I'll talk it over with him then.

Tau my ds is similar and I have tried allsorts but I do know that his few friends are the same. I try not to worry about it and so feel better and now just try to give him opportunities to do things like go up and get refills (as you mentioned in you opening posting). Can see improvements but think a lot of it is to do with being polite, sensitive and the way we live - we are not outgoing we do socialise but not a lot - and as he gains confidence can see some improvements. Try not to focus on the negative praise the positive that's what I keep telling myself.

Tau sorry don't think I've responded with anything very useful at all. rushing and just realised our paths have crossed on MN about hobbies!

Why not have a look on some Asperger type support sites to see what is suggested on those. I completely understand when you say you dont want him to go through what you did. Could perhaps explain that to him. Tell him about a few things that happended to you and that you would like to teach him some skills so he doesnt find himself in the same position? After all we all know that is those that shout loudest that tend to get what they want.