advice on talking with daughter about boyfriends and relationships

[roxminx]

I get on well with my 16 year old daughter,she's had a couple of briefish relationships,but never wants to talk to me about when things have gone wrong. I see her upset but if I try to open up a conversation to help she will just brush me off. I would really like to have a relationship with her where she feels she can talk openly to me if she needs,but just don't know how to go about opening up lines of communication! Any ideas very welcome. I wasn't close to my mother in this way and I'd hate it if it were the same with my daughter.

i wish i had some advice for you .. But both my 16 and 17 year old DD's won't talk to me at all about them, I've tried so many times and get told to keep my nose out. I explain im only trying to offer them advise but to them i know nothing lol

My DD1 is similar age. Some of it is about personality of course. Some of it is about creating the space to talk about things. Do you talk about other things (non-relationshipy)? Do you talk about other stuff in a non-judgemental way? Do you sit down and watch TV together? Is there the opportunity to create 'popcorn nights' when you watch a film/tv programme together (IME teenagers can be like wild animals and need to be tempted in with food!).

Make sure you know the boyfriend's name. After they have met up ask if he is well in a normal courtesy sort of way. Obviously dont turn it into an inquisition, just normal politenesses.

Possibly it is an odd thing in my household but we do ask each oher how we slept in the morning. It is an opportunity to ask if they are worrying about anything.

Last thought - the car is an excellent place to talk as there is no getting out but no eye contact.

I agree with everything Gnome said. IMO teenage dcs who are used to haaving conversations about all sorts of things on a very regular basis, will be much more likely to talk when there is something worrying them, than teens that don't generally have chats on a daily basis.
Talking about "theoretical situations" ie things that are on the news or in a film or TV prog. are great openers. With ds, I always go in and sit on his bed / have a chat when there's seemingly nothing to chat about (and very often, what we chat about isn't a worry for him), but it's like doctors say - a massive % of the issues patients worry about, come out as the patient is finishing their appt - "Oh, while I'm here...." or "There is one other thing if you don't mind".... etc. ds talks most in the car or if he's at his desk / laptop and I'm actually lying/sitting on his bed and he therefore has his back to me.
dh never goes to "chat" to ds like this, and ds will never tell him things, or ask him things, or chat with him about things. dh thinks that he only needs to talk to ds if he needs to talk to him about something - then he wonders how I know so much more about the background to anything than he does!

I often chat with the girls about all kinds of things, they tell me all the gossip about whose been with who and whose falling out with who..we discuss all kinds of things apart from boyfriends .. i talked to my DD's boyfriend about his problems more than my DD, He'd always be txting me if he had problems at home, when they broke up i heard it from him not from her lol

Some teenagers just prefer to have space to deal with their problems themselves. My daughter is like this. We have a great relationship and she will come to me for advice if she wants but is an independent character. I don't take that as a reflection on our relationship and actually admire her for her determination. So if your daughter chooses not to come to you with all her relationship problems you don't necessarily have to see it as a bad thing.

yes my dd hates me asking anything about her BF so it is normal. YD is slightly better.

Yes the car is good.

Thank you all for the very good advice....I think much of this must be my daughter's personality,as as I do seem to have a more chatty relationship with my older son,so seem to be more successful there! And maybe I should be glad that she is more self- sufficient,as Selks points out,it may stand her in good stead later. But I will make sure I make more effort to create general chat time.

I third the advice about chatting whilst in the car
a) they can't get away
b) somehow as there's no eye contact it's easier for both sides!

I also think that you have to not react strongly to things you are told - this will only put a teen off trying to talk to you. Whatever she tells you be neutral, take the time to absorb and possibly calm down/absorb what has been said and come back to the discussion at a later time. If you react badly your teen will never open up again.

I personally also found that telling my teens about some of the stuff I got up to in my teens helped them realise that it really is a case of BTDT!!!!

I have a great relationship with DD and have always been willing to talk with her about anything but have allowed her to set what she wants to talk about. She talks a lot about the emotional side of her relationships but does not talk about anything physical and has sometimes told me laughingly how she cringes at attempts by some friends' mothers to be "cool" on these things. I think, as mothers, we have to allow our daughters whatever privacy they choose.

The car tactic is a very good one when you need it though