Advice from parents of teens to mother of pre-teen - what have you got right?

[pollycazalet]

My oldest child is 12, in year 7 at school. I don't think I was prepared for the massive changes that have happened over the last few months - the independence, new friends, the changes to our family life as he adjusts to new school hours, more demands on his time and different interests. None of this is negative but it feels like the beginning of him gradually moving out into the world on his own.

Anyway I find myself hanging out in the teen section and seeing how many of you still seem to have great relationships with your teens - how have you done it? How do you manage to maintain a strong relationship with your kids as they negotiate their teenage years? Those of you who still have great times together as a family - what's the secret?

Would love to hear your top tips.

Try to be around and available for them to talk to - they will often bring things up while you're doing something together, like washing the dishes, or when you're driving them someplace. That sort of thing, so they're not actually choosing to come to you and have a talk, but just "happen" to mention things....

And try to have something fun that you do together as a family - we usually all watch a DVD together on a Saturday night. It's easy to spend evenings separately in different parts of the house as they get older, so one night a week is good to set up a routine of being in the same room all doing the same thing, for once.

And as a general rule, try to show that you respect their views and opinions and choices, but that you expect them to show respect for yours. If you need to overrule them, listen to their point of view first, and explain why you have to insist on whatever rule you've decided on. They may still disagree but at least they'll know you listened and considered the alternatives.

Well I think the key things you learn often come from things you got wrong! For example we should have clamped down/set better limits on DS (when 12-13) Xbox/console time as soon as it started rather than leaving it and moaning about it until it got to be an issue. All fine now, but the retreat into more acceptable usage levels was a battle we could have avoided. Learning not to "react" to things in a "you did what" instant way rather than trying to get all the facts in a reasoned way before jumping in. Sometimes things aren't as bad as you think! And it will mean when they have really stuffed up, they know they can tell you and you won't go over the top!
Learning not to overschedule their time- teens really do need downtime/chilling time and I find this is when my two ( DD16 and DS 14) talk to me.
Allow them to spend time on their own in their rooms, but come up with some times when you want them downstairs. When everyone is home in our family, dinner at the dining table is non-negotiable- we all sit and eat together unless we decide as a group that we cant miss X factor final or a big sport event and we all have a tv dinner together and chat enjoy the programme.
Really welcome their friends and give them space when in the house- ours know they are always free to have people over, but if it will involve an overnight or a meal ( other than a quick lunch) they have to ask us first in the knowledge that we will usually say yes. In practice they seem to know pretty well when not to ask- busy work times, one parent away, grandparents staying etc
Learn to listen and not talk/ask too many questions as soon as they come in the day. Both of mine clam up like shells if I go into a Mastermind style inquisition, but if I just casually say "how was your day?" sometimes get not much back until later in the day when it all comes out . DS surprised me the other day as he came back from school, made me a cup of tea and said "So, Mum what did you get up to this week?"!
Above all enjoy them- it is great watching them grow up and it is definitely the bit of parenting I have enjoyed most!

Have two teenage sons (one 16, one 18). Have had TOTALLY different experiences with them as they are totally different characters.

Eldest at uni now - completely self-motivated, hard working, a few "nice" friends and never had a cross word or a problem with him.

DS2 is complete opposite to him. We have had a number of issues including stealing, smoking, un motivated at school etc. quite exhausting. We have brought them up the same. Always try to be there for them. Chat and support, but I find I am always suspicious of what 16 year old doing (don't like his mates unfortunately).

Have had to stay consistent and lay down lots of rules and stuck to them for DS2 and really hope he isn't tempted to blow it all. He's a good kid, just feels the need to rebel from his nice middle class family sometimes! Rewarding, exhausting, stressful and sometimes fun sums it up really. x

Pick your battles!
Obviously some things are more important to you as a person than others, but teen years have the potential for everything to become a battle of wills..and some of it isn't worth it!

I have 4 teens aged 14 -19. Two have been pretty easy, one has learning difficulties and autism so is still a little boy really, and one, has frankly been a nightmare! (lying, stealing from us, punching though walls etc etc) Same parents; different personalities.

However after some rocky years I can now say hand on heart I have a great relationship with all of them.. and what I have learned is;

don't sweat the small stuff. Battles over bedroom tidiness, clothing and hair styles, earrings etc not really worth it as it's always a phase and will pass

LISTEN to them. I have found that the most important conversations have been while I'm driving them..one to one.. places. They can talk and I can listen without eye contact and my hands are occupied so the urge to throttle them is removed!

be consistent on the basics.. if you threaten a sanction you HAVE to be prepared to carry it through, or next time it won't work.

Virtually ALL teens lie to you at some stage. It's not because they want to hurt you, often it is because they are flexing their independence muscles and lying is the quickest option if it works! Being overly shocked and horrified just makes them more determined to be better at it next time.

Hug them, even when they are sulky, uncommunicative and resistant! They need it just as much as when they were little and probably more so.

Don't gang up on them with your DH.. if there is an issue, it is often better if one of you agrees to sort it out ..we found this VERY important with DS1

Someone once told me that teens are toddlers in adult bodies... their frontal lobe is in a stage of development and they have adult desires with no control. Which is pretty hard for them.

Then one day they come in and say 'Mum you look tired, would you like a cup of tea?' ....

And you know they are coming out the other side and you have these FABULOUS young adults !

Parenting teens has been the most difficult,and yet most wonderful and rewarding stage of my life so far. Teens are GREAT!

This is so helpful. Ringing bells already - don't gang up ( we are already guilty of this). Schedule some fun family time. Listen to his side before making a decision. Brilliant thanks so much. Your teens sound lovely.

Just remember that whatever you do or don't do they will be who they will be. I have lots of friends with teens/early twenties and there doesn't seem to be any correlation between what parents did and how the kids have turned out!

I couldn't agree more. Pick your battles, it's too exhausting to fight them all! Shut the door on the messy bedroom (we have the rule that it needs to be cleaned once a fortnight so the cleaner can clean - until I got a fortnightly cleaner it never got cleaned!)
If there are 2 of you at home, have one who plays good cop and one who plays bad cop but make sure that you both communicate!
Remember what it was like to be a teenager yourself - it was a confusing time. Also bear in mind how things have moved on (we didn't have mobiles, facebook, etc)
If you have a girl (like me) never tell them you don't like their friends as they tend to become BFFs, instead bite your tongue if she thinks you like them then they'll soon fizzle out this rule applies for most things too!
Above all though, make sure you set out the ground rules and clamp down hard at the first sight of them breaking them at the end of the day you're still the boss!

Thinking back to my own teen years and looking at dd, I think one thing that has been essential to both of us is the firm conviction that our parents enjoy us, want to spend time with us, would miss us if we weren't there.

This doesn't mean that you can't have moments of mutual snarling at each other: as long as the underlying feeling is there, it's ok.

Agree all the above but especially hugs, pick your battles, avoid eye contact when talking about important things, try to find relaxed time to be with them, say please and thank you and sorry and remember it'll all pass! Not that we are through the woods yet..

All the above! I have 18/16yr olds that are I think a doddle really, suspect 12yr old is going to be more challenging, but maybe the same consistent structure will work for her I hope.

Learn to "risk assess" situations and requests early on. Help them get independent in baby steps so that, say when they want to go into town to meet mates, they actually have used a bus alone before then and it isn't 2 terrifying new leaps for you both in 1 go!

Don't sweat the small stuff. Don't say no until you've really thought through why you don't want to say yes and the reasons are valid (see above- risk assess!) often an "ummm give me a couple of days to think, it doesn't sound like something I think I'm comfortable with for you" actually gives them time to think too- the "biggie" I used this for, when I was happy for DD1 to do something but not DS worked fine- he decided he wouldn't go anyway.

Agree conversations in the car are the best ones both generally and for difficult issues. In out busy house it's a decent one to one time.

For me, and its been hard, I don't nag about homework/revision etc. I let them work out how much the need to put in to excel (and they do so it must be working!). If they were not achieving their full potential then I'd really look into things though. Seems to have set DD1 up for getting uni stuff done whilst having a great social life too- she's used to organising herself and aware of wha she needs to do.

Any I totally agree when the man hugs and the coffee appear when you are knackered or the 12yr old txts to say "I'm making 2 cakes tonight is that OK" instead of telling you when you get in from work that there isn't any cakey stuff for pack lunch left teens are the best!

*OK I did wipe choc cake mix of the floor after but still!

I'm reading this thread with interest as a mother to an almost 13 year old, but just noticed all the 'talk to them in the car' comments. I like having my children to myself in the car, and we've had some great chats. But when I was a teenager I dreaded having to travel with my mother in the car because she seemed to me to save up her most uncomfortable if only I could run away right now I would conversations for the car, and I'm sure it was because I couldn't escape from whatever she thought I ought to hear.

I can see that but usually something is in the paper that is a good hook and is depersonalising or they bring up the issue themselves. I want to write to poor Mr winehouse and let him know that one of the few good things to come out of the tragedy of his daughter's death is the innumerable conversations between parents and teens.

oooh! I have a 14 yr old - he still talks to me sometimes :o

I noticed a big sea change at 12, and I had to learn to parent slightly differently - Not ALL the time, cos we were both changing together - but it's a learning curve...

Pick your battles - as someone else said. Teenagers by and large will flex their muscles, but also want a quiet life too. Keep up a bank of goodwill between you - you will both screw up sometimes, and need to draw on it - a good working sense of humour helps.

Listen - might be in the car etc - my own teenager tends to talk to me when I've just told him it's time for bed - like - "I can talk to you now, cos it's on your time, rather than mine.." I find out so much stuff re his life in those crucial 10 minutes before bedtime!

Sometimes, they will tell you stuff about their mates etc - that will make your hair curl they might be doing it for shock value, judging to see how you react, or genuinely wanting advice - courage mes braves - stay calm, and give advice - making sure they themselves are OK - doing this, opens the gates for them to talk to you about their own stuff...

When they come in through the door from school - don't get on their case straight away i.e "how was school, have you any homework etc" they've had enough for a while, and need to feel part of the family, slip off their coat, and just chill for a few mins - leave it till later on.

I agree with medusa - frontal lobe is still developing - re impulse control and stuff.

Polly - yr 7, for me - was the toughest year - it always felt like I was on his case, and helping to organise him - he was so wobbly as well - slightly aggressive one minute, tearful the next - just overwhelmed really. yr 8 was much better - he'd settled into school etc. now he's yr 9 - he is fairly self reliant - does all his own stuff unprompted with little reminding, he polices himself re: homework, packing bags - I honestly thought he would never get there - I thought yr 7 was tough!

He's basically a good young man though :o he still talks about stuff, he helps with his younger brother (who really looks up to him) he isn't a candidate for feltham young offenders institute yet, and seems quite happy! Mind you - it might all change again next week.... xx

I have a 16 year old son, we get on very well and he has not tested too many boundaries (yet). He seems to enjoy telling me some of the outrageous things his mates have done (or said they have) and I think much of this is testing his own reactions and measuring them against mine IYSWIM. Some of the stuff is really stupid so I have trained myself to always ask him what he thinks first. As AMIScotland said being available is really important, we have great chats in the most unexpected places.

Mine 15 and 13.

Pick your battles - means negotiate when you can be flexible to let them know they can be listened to when reasonable. (e.g. OK, what time do you think is a fair time to be home? OK, so how long do you think you should be allowed on the X box before tidying your bedroom?)

And it means draw an absolute definite line when you can't be flexible. (e.g. No you are absolutely not allowed to go to that place tonight and nothing you say will make me change my mind).

Also, I've found that although mine argue and struggle for independence etc they still secretly like and thrive with a framework of structure. They like to know they have to do homework at a set time. They like to know they have to be home by a set time. As much as they grumble, if I slacken and let them get away with things they start telling me what I need to tell them to do. 'Mum, can you make sure I do my homework tonight.'

I absolutely agree with pick your battles.

I try not to argue over the unimportant things; for instance if they want to sleep in a pigsty it's their room and them sleeping in it, not me. One day at 16 they will suddenly say "X is coming round, I'm going to tidy my room." At which point you go, "Oh, OK," and try and pick yourself off the floor from the shock quietly! My 12 year old is still in the bombsite room/ washing is unimportant/ mouldy cups phase. I could scream at times, particularly when she moans she has nothing to wear (it's all on the bedroom floor) or she can't find something (I wonder why!) but I know from my 16 year old that it will pass!

I try to say yes if I possibly can. If they want to do something with friends and it isn't dangerous or totally stupid I will agree. If they spend all their money and don't get their homework done, that's their problem, not mine, and they will learn all the faster for me keeping out of it and letting them learn that all actions have consequences.

The things I say no to, they know I mean business. Some things are non negotiable. For example, they are not to spend their allowance on drugs or cigarettes and they know if ever they do, that will be the last money they get from me. Boundaries like this are important for them; it gives them a reason to be able to say no to their peers.

Remember that they are hormonal and still feel young underneath it all a lot of the time and that their world, whilst being more exciting than it used to be is also more scary. Hug them and tell them you love them often.

I have the most wonderful 16 year old, and a slightly more challenging 12 year old. When we hit the challenges (most days), I tell myself it will all come good in the end. :)

Second the being available to chat thing.

We love what dd2 (15) calls our "random chats."

Usually it's when I'm in the bath (trying to relax but you have to grab the moment ) or sorting out laundry & DD2 will come drifting in & say the dreaded

"Can I ask a question?" or " you know when....."

We've covered just about everything from oral sex, teenage pregnancies, the X-factor,to unempoyment, tax and future careers & I've found myself re- folding & rearranging the clothes I'm sorting just to prolong the conversation.

Often only lasts 15 mins or so then it's " mmm Ok what's for tea?" & you've lost the attention.

Also depends on personality so DD2 will ask for a "random chat" & settle down as she has some burning question (she has a wonderfully butterfly mind) but DD1 (17)would rather have her teeth pulled than initiate a discussion-she is her fathers daughter- but will happily join in & offer an opinion when her sister has broached the subject. Sometimes I have slightly engineered a chat with DD2 if I think DD1 one needs an opening for something that is bothering her knowing she will drift in & chat.

I always offer hugs too if they seem down,just a silent hug.

Then "you seem pissed off?" Nods ...more hugs.

"Want to talk about it?" Shrugs.....more hugs

"Well if you want to I'm here-choccy biccie? "

Not a lot that doesn't seem better with a Choccie hob nob & a cuddle.

Remember that they are hormonal and still feel young underneath it all a lot of the time and that their world, whilst being more exciting than it used to be is also more scary.

^I absolute agree with that statement ^

Living with teenagers is a bit like being on a roller coaster but the best thing you can do is be there for them when they need you - because they will need you