DD's 12yr old friend is self-harming - how do I explain?

[AnnieBody]

One of her best friends at school is going through some tough times, being bullied at school, has a very low opinion of herself and now her parents have separated (not amicably) which has excelerated her need to self-harm. I am facebook friends with the mum but other than brief meetings do not really know her that well. My daughters friend has told my daughter that her parents know she is self harming and she is already seeing the school counselor.

The thing is, that when this girl feels the need to self harm, which at the moment seems to be daily, she is telling my daughter what she is about to do and how she is so depressed and hates her life. My daughter tells me about it most times but I know my daughter is struggling with how to handle this. I've told her she is doing the right thing by listening and telling her that she doesn't need to self harm and that she cares about her but I think it is all becoming a bit too much. I'm not sure how else I can help my daughter help her friend in dealing with this very real and very serious situation that my daughter cannot relate to.

Any advice would be very welcome.
Thanks

As an adult who often supports children who self harm I can tell you that it is hard emotionally to deal with that supporting role over a long period of time. Especially when things are getting worse as it makes you feel quite powerless. I would talk things through regularly with your daughter to check she has time to offload her own worries about her friend. She will be providing valuable support but I think your concerns about how she herself copes are valid. I think it would be worth talking to her school to see if they could help broaden your daughter's friends support network, and let you know if they feel it is affecting your daughter. I think talking to her friends mum could potentially be damaging as either of them could handle it badly.

There is a great website on self harm that has info about supporting young people that it might be good to look at and maybe mention to your friends mum. I think it is called self harm network but typing on phone so can't check. Is UK based.

Thank you Lenni

I am cautious about speaking to her mum as I know she is not coping very well with the separation, the husband apparently announced out of the blue that he did not want to be with her anymore and he moved out straight away. Also, the eldest 16yo daughter suffers from episodes of breakdowns which require her to be admitted, not entirely clear on this as only my daughter has told me this.

I think I will speak with the head of year, everything I know is via my daughter, so I am also a little worried that I could be causing the family more anguish but I am also worried for my daughter.

Thanks again