Help boyfriends!

[happychappy]

my dd is 13 very nearly 14. She has been hiding her nearly 17 year old boyfriend from me. Found out today because she left her facebook open on my computer and I open her message from said boyfriend by mistake. He is a nice boy but he is sooo much older than her and I'm not at all coping with it.
I upset with lies and upset with the hiding and very upset that my little is so desperate to grow up.

If I have this right, she is 14 (almost) and he is 16? I know it is a lot at that age but in the long term not a huge gap.

I wouldn't panic immediately just because of the age difference. All boys and girls are different. Does not in itself mean anything terrifying.

Also, you said she is lying and hiding? It doesn't sound like she was trying very hard to hide this from you? Also, unless she has said no boyf, then not actually lying?

Not trying to trivialise this and understandably very scary that she is growing up but be careful of how you react and making assumptions. It is really important that she feels she can come to you for both you and her.

Perhaps try just casually (if possible) ask her if she has started dating yet? She may very well fill you in anyway and if not try (if you can) to say you are always there and happy to discuss any issues etc. hopefully she will open up then or in a few days.

Really hard I appreciate but try to keep communication open and easy.

I second Hippolyta's views- really try hard not to go mad, but to encourage her to talk to you by making it clear that you won't be judgy, having a bf is a perfectly normal thing to be doing at 14 and that it is also normal to discuss it with your mum. Whilst I am not suggesting that everyone nearly 17 year old boy only has one thing on his mind, even nice 17 year old boys will probably want a bit more from the relationship that you might want your nearly 14 year old DD to give and you owe it to your DD to have a discussion with her about sex, protection and the fact that her bf may want her to do more than is appropriate at her age. Also you need to make her understand the importance of honesty at this stage- you are happy for her to have a boyfriend ( although personally I wouldn't be happy about this age gap) but that you need to be able to talk about it with her.

A nice boy who dates 13 year olds? Not likely.

If you think he is nice then you have met him so again this is a real plus because she doesn't seem to be hiding him from you.

I know it is scary but again, just try really hard to be calm with her (even if not with other people when discussing it).

Very very important you keep communication open and relaxed with her so you know what is going on and so she feels she can come to you.

Has she actually been lying to you about him? Or just not rushing straight to confide in you before she knew if it was even going to last beyond lunchtime? Remember most new relationships don't come with a label: we are now going to be going out for long enough for there to be time to tell people before we split up.

I agree with Hippolyta that it is very important to stay relaxed so she feels she can talk to you without it becoming a massive thing.

And yes, ime a nice but young 16yo can date a mature 13/14yo and feel they are almost the same age: otoh it is difficult for many 13/14yo girls to date boys their own age without getting a feeling that they are taking their baby brothers for a walk.

i was 13 (2 months from being 14) when i started going out with my now dh.

He was 19. I lied to him about my age, and then kept it from my mum and dad, because i knew he would find out how young i was. I lied, and lied and lied ..... forged notes to get out of school early, lied to friends, got friends to lie for me you name it i would have done it.

I had previously never lied to my parents, and do feel bad now , but at the time it just seemed like it was what i had to do.

eventually they found out, and went mad, tried to stop me seeing him but by then we had been together nearly a year.

I was very grown up for my age, had always mixed with older people and was physically grown up too, had started my periods at 10, and was the same height etc as i am now.

i ended up getting pg and having my ds just as i turned 15. From the outside i'm sure he got the blame, but i can honestly say i instigated all of it - everything, from getting together with him, to finally sleeping with him.

My honest advice would be to talk to her - stay calm, even if you are panicking. Ultimately, she will do what she wants. I couldn't have talked to my parents AT All, and still can't really now i'm 30. I think that is what i want to be different with my dc, and certainly have always been very open with my ds (who is now older than i was when i had him!)

Perhaps invite him over, set some reasonable ground rules i.e when they can see each other, homework being a priority, etc if he is serious he will do it, if not he wil run for the hills!

Best of Luck x

Sorry need to clarify a bit. She was asked directly if she was her boyfriend after his name kept coming up. I did the nearly 17 years do expect alot more than a boy of her age conversation and be careful and we spoke about sex and the expectations of a boy his age. She said many times he is just a friend and then has become her best friend. She denied it 3 days ago and told me not to worry. I am livid because her father has been very protective of her and I have always been the one saying she is mature and trustworthy. Let her make her mistakes and then she lies completely to me.

Because we realised saying no and that being then end of it we invited him to dinner last week. He is a really nice boy but mature for his age. We set ground rules not alone in bedroom, no closed doors. Today she was due to go to his house with his parents at home. We were both very upset and after a discussion with DH we took her phone for a week for lying and said that she was grounded for a week for lying. We have tried not to make it about him but lack of honesty and breaking trusts.

I'm upset for so many reasons but if I'm completely honest I'm having trouble letting go and allowing her to make her own mistake. She my first.

I hope this all makes sense.

sounds like you have been very understanding, and dealt with it all well to me.

Incidentally, my mum spoke to dh's mum and agreed the same ground rules for when we were at his - his mum however left us alone a lot, and that was how i became pg....... my in laws and my mum still don't speak 15 years later!

how has she reacted to the grounding?

Oh god, my nightmare, she's so bright and has so much to look forward to if we can get her though this stage without pregnancy.
She was very sorry and tearful. Not sure because she feels guilty or because she's been caught. I spoke to her last night and cried and so did she. She generally is a very sensible good girl but hormones and boys.....................

I have a DD exactly the same age as yours and she finds the boys at school better company than the girls.
But this is because the boys her age are still fun and silly which suits her just fine. The soap, celeb, make up and boys talk of her female peers drives her insane.
I strongly suspect if she found a BF, he would have to be older and more mature than either of these groups.
I hope I would be able to talk calmly to her and I hope she wouldn't feel the need to lie.
An age gap of 2 years is nothing in the adult world and I suspect it doesn't feel that big to a mature 13 year old.
I hope I have instilled in my DD enough of a sense of self respect to not to be pushed into thinks before she's ready.
In the end we can only try and trust them.

thats interesting startail - i had 2 friends that were girls, but on the whole i was friends with boys more. In fact to this day my best friend is a bloke from all those years ago....both of us happily married, but don't go more than a week without a chat

Startail you could be describing my daughter but she still kept it from us