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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

My ds came home with his ear pierced!!!!!!!

25 replies

Redshoesblueshoes · 22/01/2012 19:09

my son is 15 and thinks he is quite cool, We don't, think, street baseball hats peak tilted upwards! Jeans almost down to his knees, a swagger a penguin would be proud of! We have made a massive decision to send him to private school for 6th form,to try and point him in the right direction. At the moment in his present secondary school he is laid back and un-motivated, but really wants to go to this school. it is a complete and utter lifestyle change for him, but we don't think he realises how much he will need to conform to fairly strict boundaries. he is already saying after coming home today sporting a White earring !!!! Ffs that the boys are allowed to wear a black earring at the new school! he just doesn't get it! We want him to embrace his new school life because we think without this chance he may be on a road to ruin. I am really worried about the choices he is making, and to a certain extent I know he is 15 and needs to be a teenager, but spending this amount of money £17k a year, we need to be sure he is on board for the commitment, we have told him that he needs to think really hard to determine if he can buckle down. The 6th form college he could go scares me as there is no firm boundaries and I know he will just go of the rails. In a few words we are trying to buy support and encouragement and commitment from him and his new school.We support him in everything he does and we both feel a bit helpless in the difficult job of keeping him on the straight and narrow. he has 2 sisters who are both hardworking both have had their fair share of disappointments( eldest chose wrong course at uni, came home after 2 months, middle daughter couldn't hack a-levels and is now doing b-tech and is going to uni in September to study to be a teacher ) both now happy. Ds very lucky to be given this opportunity. I feel very pissed off at his attitude, Please advise I have got this out of proportion and need to know if this is normal

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McPhee · 22/01/2012 19:13

Oooh my first Biscuit

AThingInYourLife · 22/01/2012 19:15

You have got it out of proportion. It's just an earring.

You may well have an problem with his attitude, but if you have real worries about the decisions he's making, why not lay off him about how he looks?

He's a teenager. He might look silly to you, but he thinks he looks cool. And that's what matters at 15.

In fact, parents objecting is a bonus.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 22/01/2012 19:16

What's a white earring vs a black earring?

In all of that you've not actually said how he's doing at school? How he dresses or expresses himself is fairly irrelevant if his school work is fine imo.

Sparklingbrook · 22/01/2012 19:17

One word. Paragraphs.

McPhee · 22/01/2012 19:19

Sparkling Grin

Redshoesblueshoes · 22/01/2012 19:54

Ok sorry all, this is my first post and the earring thing only happened about an hour ago, just as dh is going on to 12 hour night shift leaving me on my own, so I hold my hands up prob not best time when so pissed off to be writing 1st thread.
maybe I can be a little clearer. No it's not White versus Black earring, it's more about how unhappy he may be if he choses to go to this school where he WILL have to conform. This year has been a very difficult year at school, he has been a good student up until about 12 months ago, when all reports say although he is v capable he is totally under achieving, we have of course tried to support him, and tried many different strategies. He is a lovely lad but just fails to see that with a bit of effort he could achieve so much more, he is an amazing artist but due to his lack of input is only achieving a C and that is such a shame..His teacher thinks he is a A* pupil, he has been told at his new proposed school to try for a scholarship in art but doesn't seem to want to push himself to get it. He thinks it's only about the reduced money we may have to pay if he gets the scholarship, not about the amazing sense of pride he might feel.
The new school is somewhere where he has always wanted to go but I know he thinks he can bend their rules and I know he can't. if he wants to express himself more I need him to think about going to the 6th form college instead, otherwise I think he will feel caged. This is all wrote with absolute love and only wishing the very best for him, maybe I am not putting my view across very well. it's all about wanting to give him an amazing opportunity!!
Thanks for reading this... Still rambling....

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NorthernGobshite · 22/01/2012 20:00

Have you asked his opinion about private school? Does he get a say? This is clearly NOT about an earring.

Redshoesblueshoes · 22/01/2012 20:17

Yes of course he has had a say.... He wants to go to private school. That has been his request... The earring thing is me trying to express to you how he wants to do his own thing... he just doesn't get how he will have to toe the line more at private school than at 6th form college!!!! That is it in nutshell.

He is a normal teenager I know that, trying to express his personality, but if he can do anything to push the boudaries he does.

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NorthernGobshite · 22/01/2012 20:31

To be fair, getting an ear ring is a fairly tame way to push the boundaries and it suggests to me he's doing it to push your buttons and wind you up. Just ignore it. When his ear hurts in next few days he'll soon take it out.

If he really wanted to rebel he'd have had his nose/lip/eyebrow pierced or dyed his hair pink!

You have clearly made a big sacrifice to give him the very best educational chance. I wasn't criticising you; it was a genuine question when I asked if he had a say.

Redshoesblueshoes · 22/01/2012 20:40

This is a big issue for me and my dh, as someone said it's not just the earring. I have found weed twice, I know he smokes, he has also be caught lying about something pretty major... So this is me just trying to stop him from making more stupid mistakes.. I take all advice as it's meant .. Didn't think you were criticising NGS....

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NorthernGobshite · 22/01/2012 22:21

He's 15; teenagers lie, they smoke weed and they get pierced (not all of them, but it's not unusual behaviour). Doesn't mean his life is over or he's resigned to the scrap heap. Try and keep things in perspective.

Will he sit and talk about things with you?

Redshoesblueshoes · 22/01/2012 22:53

Yes he will. Feel a bit silly now, just been up to his room where he has been asleep most of eve, gave him a hug and we are ok. Def over protective, nobody cared at all when I was a teenager, sounds like my baggage!!! I don't think he or we thinks he is on scrap heap, just don't want him to be a sheep! Thanks for putting things into perspective ngs ....

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MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 22/01/2012 23:36

I found that saying 'wow that looks so pretty!' put my son off his pierced ears pretty fast! He started stretching them at 15 when he got them done..I HATED them..but never let on, even bought him stretchers...
At 16 he got a p/t job and had to take them out for work... then forgot to put them in a few times and the holes (which were huge..cigarette sized!) started to shrink. Hes now 18..holes have totally closed up and no more ear rings . Result!

He was a very difficult teen too.. lying, stealing (from us) lots of weed.. BUT we kept reminding him we had faith in him and he has grown up..has a job and is about to start working as a support worker with disabled adults (he was never interested in uni). His sisters are academic.. one's a medical student and the other is hopefully off to uni this year..but he is finding his way.

I think boys sometimes just need more time!!!

Redshoesblueshoes · 23/01/2012 06:51

Thanks Medusa, I am glad I posted on this because If I had ranted and raged at him I would have got my knickers in right twist... I was lucky because he was knackered from being out night before, he just took him self off to bed and no argument followed. A new day today... Will take advice and say nothing...

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TotallyLaLa · 23/01/2012 11:01

My eldest DS (16) has his ear pierced (I must admit tho that I took him just after his birthday as I had always said he could have one when he was 16 and I would rather take him so I knew the kind of place the piercers were - Claires Accessories just don't tell his friends Blush) and from your very first post, apart from the age, I thought you were describing him re fashion sense! :o
Hope all ok today. It's done now so I wouldn't worry. If your DS has told you he wants to go to the private school and understands how strict it will be, then let him go. He'll soon found out how strict they really are and it's not just scare tactics from you!! My DS's grades didn't seem to be up to much in his end of term reports but he's just got a B grade in his maths GSCE so obviously doing better than us parents think!
As Medusa says, boys do need more time to mature than girls. I'd be more worried about the smoking tbh .... but that's just my opinion x

Redshoesblueshoes · 23/01/2012 11:37

I am worried about the smoking.... But as Medusa says that hopefully will stop. That's one of the great things about the new school they do random drug testing... I am going to try and see things from his point of view and let him make his own mistakes, we will always be there for him, and he knows it. He was one of three that pierced their own ears in someones kitchen at a party! Anyway this morning the earring was out and he gave me the usual kiss before he went to school! Glad to be feeling a bit more perspective on it all today, when I read yesterday's post I appear like a madwoman!!!

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nizlopi · 23/01/2012 12:15

SOMEBODY ALERT THE CHURCH ELDERS.

Seriously though, my husband did the same when he was a kid. He has quite a few piercings actually still now, but he's doing pretty great in life.

Teenagers rebel. Making a huge deal about it will make it 100x worse.

Redshoesblueshoes · 23/01/2012 12:55

I know.... Will read for advice on cooling down before putting posts out there...Good job I have thick skin..... I am not saying piercings are bad, it's not about the piercings! Was just worried about some of his choices... His choices I guess...?????

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mrsjay · 24/01/2012 13:11

It is an earing that is all it is least he hasnt got his face pierced i think that would send youinto a meltdown , Grin He is a teenage boy who needs to grow up a little and maybe his new school will help him maybe not though private doesnt always mean better , just you have paid for him to be laid back , i hope he comes good most of them do , my dd was so laid back at 15 she was lying down ,

Redshoesblueshoes · 27/01/2012 15:52

Thank you Mrs Jay.... he"s a good lad.... calmed down since posting thread... learnt a lot from replies... mostly about my-self!!!

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ivykaty44 · 27/01/2012 16:48

this woman pushed the boundries and I am so glad that other people have to

we want people to push boundries as teens as they will then go into life and not be a door mat

Redshoesblueshoes · 27/01/2012 16:53

Ivykate44
not sure what you are saying?

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ivykaty44 · 27/01/2012 16:58

what do you want your dc to be like? Do you want him to abide by any rule regardless or to stand up and say if he thinks a rule is unfair?

because the former will not push boundaries but the latter will

Redshoesblueshoes · 27/01/2012 21:49

That is your opinion... I think that if rules are fair and not tyrannical most parents surely would want their children and other members of society to play fair. I disagree that it is as straightforward as you say. He is experimenting and pushing boundaries because he is a normal teenager... Maybe that is what you were wanting me to say?

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ivykaty44 · 27/01/2012 22:06

gosh sorry I was trying to put a positive side on the situation, teenagers are often difficult to handle. best wishes

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