What's your stance on lending clothes etc to teenage DDs? Am I spectacularly mean?

[castille]

DD is 14. She is always wanting to borrow things of mine. Sometimes she asks, but quite often she helps herself without bothering to ask.

I do lend her t-shirts and suchlike but there are things I am not happy for her to borrow, eg expensive coats. Recently she wore a cream jacket of mine to school (without permission) and it came back dirty and with biro on it - the precise reason I didn't want her to borrow it in the first place.

I got an expensive camera for Christmas. Now her camera isn't good enough for all the squillions of photos she takes of herself and her mates and she wants to borrow mine.

And lending her something once clearly sets a precedent in her mind, which makes me even less inclined to lend her things.

Where am I going wrong?

I lend things to DDs but they have always had to ask my permission beforehand.

I think you often have to treat teenagers like toddlers in that they only understand things if you relate it to themselves.

I would ask her how she would feel if you went onto her room and took her favourite dress/handbag then got it dirty. Then say if she takes anything else of yours without permission then you will confiscate something of hers. I think it's the only way she will understand how cross it makes you when she takes your things.

Good luck!!

And I wouldn't let her borrow your camera. Tell her it was expensive and that you have waited along time for it.
If she wants one tell her she can have one next Christmas but for now she'll have to just use the one she's got.

I agree with QuickLook, borrow something treasured of hers and then pretend that you've damaged it in some way. Then when she has a hissy fit remind her that this is exactly what she did to your expensive coat.

Perhaps then she will think about how it feels to have things 'borrowed' without permission and then damaged.

Teenagers are very good at forgetting to think of consequences. They are so wrapped up in themselves and the image they project to the rest of the world. Simply talking to them about respecting your things won't work, you need to demonstrate exactly what you mean.

And no, don't lend her the camera. Tell her to get her own.

I let my dd borrow my clothes/shoes but only if she asks. I got a new camera last week and on Friday night my dd was going out and asked if she could take my camera with her. That was a definite no!

The irony is she is highly possessive of her own stuff, so it doesn't even work both ways (not that I'd want her clothes, but her younger sister sometimes does, and although DD2 lends things out freely and willingly, she gets little back from DD1)

What about saying no? For my DD, the only options are:

1. taking without asking
2. asking first.

There is no

1. asking but being refused permission, and accepting it

She has this weird notion that she is entitled to my stuff, and asking is just being polite about it.

Confiscating something of hers is probably the only way out of this, and I can see that causing endless ructions

She has her own camera that takes excellent photos, which was a pretty expensive Christmas present in 2010.

It's just not as fancy as mine, which has two lenses etc and just isn't appropriate for a 14 year old who isn't particularly careful with her stuff. So she won't be getting one of her own for the foreseeable future either...

The H thinks I'm not tough enough on her. He's right, I know.

Fortunately my DD is taller and thinner than me. She also has bigger feet, so generally she doesn't borrow things.
We went through a phase of my crocs and sandals vanishing, generally to be found under the trampoline soaking wet, Grrrr!
Now she just half inches things that are too small for me and looks nicer in them than I do.

Sympathy. The times I've gone to use my tweezers/hairspray/brush/straighteners/nail varnish/scissors/make-up wipes etc etc and they are not where I left them And I'm quite generous and tell her she is welcome to use them but please put them back in their proper place. Drives me to distraction!

"Borrow" her phone and laptop and "forget" where you left them / spill coffee on them, that may help her understand how unfair it is.

Castillo I think your dh is right you do need to be tougher on her.
You said that if you took something of hers then there would be ructions. Well I'm sure she would get over iit eventually!!

Also I would sit her down today when she is calm and happy. Tell her what the new rules are.
She must ask before she takes anything
There are somethings which you do not want her to borrow so you will say no sometimes
If she takes something without asking she then you will confiscate something of hers.

You cannot let her carry on with this "entitled" behaviour. It WILL get worse if you don't make her realise her behaviour is wrong.

Sorry about crap typos am on phone.

I am very grateful that she has bigger feet than me now too or my shoes would all be mud-caked/ruined in a fortnight!

She seems to think that it is not fair that I have some (a few) expensive things (clothes & make up), and a posh camera when she has to "make do" with cheaper things, when we are clearly rolling in money (!!)

. I can remember being jealous that my mum had more/better things than me when I was a teenager. But I wouldn't have dared moan about it . I don't think it is wrong that she is voicing her envy but I do think it is your job to tell her it's basically tough, that that is the way the world is, parents do usually have better/more than a teenager. Also I told mine that if they wanted more they could always get a job!!

Fortunately my DDs are stick insects, and I alas am not, so clothes aren't a big issue.

DD1 (15) has borrowed my shoes before, but does generally ask - it's usually things like heels for a special occasion.

I don't have a flash camera, but that would be an instant no no. Teens and electronics rarely mix well!

Both DD1 and DD2 (13) will help themselves to my make up and skincare though, which drives me mad. Nail varnish is never in my bathroom, and always in one of theirs. Likewise eyeliner, eyeshadow and most annoying of all, my touche eclat .

I haven't found a way to deal with it really, but I do use it against them when they ask for stuff - i.e. 'mum, my eyeliner ran out. I need to get some more, please can I borrow money?'....and I reply 'why do you need your own, you always use mine anyway!'

Dd1 (16) often borrows my things but always asks first. Since I am 5'2 and size 12 with size 4 feet and she is 5'8 and size 6-8 with size 8 feet though, she only borrows tops and coats! She wouldn't dream of taking something without asking first.

DD2 (14) only rarely borrows things. She always asks first - the problem is I'm then likely to find it screwed up in her room somewhere a week (or months) later.

I've lent things to my DD's when they were teenagers. but they've always asked permission. It's usually clothes or a handbag when they've needed something to finish off an outfit for going out.

OP - tell us more about the cream jacket incident. Did she acknowledge it was a mess when she returned it? Any remorse? How did you react? Were there consequences? Is the jacket ruined?

The only trouble is DD1's feet may be two sizes bigger than mine, but DD2's are half a size smaller.
She is much more into fashion than DD1. I think I may have to lock up heels and expensive boots. Fortunately they have more make up than me already nag more gadgets.

And- how does autocorrect do it

About the cream jacket - she only admitted the damage after I caught her trying to sneak it back into the hall cupboard and then noticed the biro and dirt. She tried to pretend it wasn't her but eventually realised she couldn't wriggle out of blame (it's a summer jacket, I had put away clean in the autumn and haven't worn it since as it is hardly weather appropriate, but that's a whole different issue!). She then apologised, and I reminded her why I didn't want her to wear that particular jacket or indeed take anything without permission. No actual remorse detectable, more annoyance at getting caught out.

Fortunately it is washable so I instructed her to get it clean, which she has (pointed in the direction of the right stain remover). It now needs ironing, which she will also do and which will take ages and annoy her a lot as it is a complete b*tch to iron!

The issue I have with her really is how she takes to being told "no". Which is probably my fault. She has become such a sulky, stroppy so-and-so that picking my battles has sometimes lead me to give in to small things, and it now looks like I made some bad choices

Thinking back to being a teenager, (some?) teenagers do think that they are entitled to everything belonging to their parents. Especially if things are in common spaces - e.g. bathroom cabinet. Perhaps because anything that was 'mine' was kept in my room. Anything that I used communally (e.g. shampoo) was in the bathroom/kitchen/living room cabinet. So I sort of thought everyone else was doing the same.

Maybe just talking to her would clear this up. If not, you could try keeping special things in your room and not allowing her in there? Clear boundaries and all that.

she has become such a sulky, stroppy so-and-so castille you have described 95% of teenagers you haven't made her like that.

You are right that you have to pick your battles and you now realise its time to sort this out.

Please just sit her down, tell her that you now expect her to ask before borrowing and if she doesn't there will be consequences.

Hmm - sounds a tricky combination of devious and defiant. Tricky.

Haven't got a teenage dd, so don't know what to suggest (am still a few years away from facing your situation).

Its's always been a rule here that you have to ask first. Usually its only jewellery ( fake not real!), handbags and accessories- and they always have to come back in one piece and handed back the next day. Rule has been enforced since day 1 and so far no problems. I don't lend technology as it's just too risky!

Sounds exactly like my DD14. She comes down in my clothes and when
i say 'I recognise that top/belt/cardigan is it mine' she usually replies 'Dunno'!

I waited til she had friends round and dressed up in her shortest shorts,crop top and ugg boots. Her reaction was priceless!