12 year old self harming :(

[mumofjust1]

Hi all, hope that someone is able to help me as I'm feeling very alone :(

I have found out this morning that my 12 year old Dd has self harmed.

We were in the bathroom together, she pulled up her sleeves to wash her hands and then quickly pulled one back down. Not before I noticed a couple of cuts on her forearm, just above her wrist.

I asked her what happened and she got quite upset, saying that it was nothing and just to forget it.

I made her pull her sleeve right up and she has sliced across her forearm from just above the wrist to just below her elbow.

She has had ongoing problems with bullying at school which seem to have finally eased with the help of our local safe adolescent service. She has been in school all the past week, but was off all the week before due to the bullying and having a chest infection.

Last week Thursday, we had a meeting with the school and the safe officer who put a plan together with the school which involved moving her band, and my daughter has had a good week and is getting on much better in her new form.

She self harmed after that meeting and before she went back on Monday.

She said that she did it because she was stressed about all the trouble at school, but that she won't do it again as she is much happier now and is not depressed.

I have told her that she can always talk to me, my mum or my sil if she's finding things hard and have explained the dangers of what she has done. I have also made her empty her room of anything she could use to harm herself - only a compass and a packet if bid razors (which is what she used) - and told her that I will be checking her room daily, checking her daily for any sign of further self harm, and will be making a dr's appointment for her on Monday.

I'm lost. I'm so sad that she feels this way and that she has done what she's done. I'm annoyed with myself that I didn't know. I'm annoyed with the school for not tackling this sooner despite my pleas - and my daughters - to change her band. I'm also worried that I've handled her badly this morning. I told her that I wasn't angry - she was worried that I would be.

Is there anything else I should be saying or doing? Anything I shouldn't say or do?

If anyone else has any experience of similar issues, I would really appreciate some advice.

Thanks for reading x

You sound like you're handling it really well. I'd definitely make the appointment with the GP so that your daughter can be put in contact with a youth psychologist. It might also be wise to hide the sharp knives in the kitchen while this is ongoing.

The school sound like they're taking the bullying issue seriously but if you or your daughter are still not happy, would it be possible to change schools?

Thanks for responding Molly

The school have in fact dealt with the bullying quite badly. They have only started taking it seriously since the safe officer fro, the council has been involved.

The bullying has been bad enough for the police to be involved. She was off the week before last as I was intending for her not to go back, as well as her being unwell. When we had a meeting with the deputy head, head of year and safe officer last Thursday, she still didn't want to go back, but on Sunday evening said that she would give it one last go. The new form has much nicer children and she feels comfortable with them, so is glad that she gave it another go. I am waiting to hear about other schools that we have applied for - with a view still to changing schools.

I will definately contact the GP and the safe officer assigned to us on Monday so that they are aware, and hopefully can make a speedy referral to some kind of councillor for her.

I feel like such an awful parent. I dont know where i've gone wrong. I've always emphasised to dd that she can discuss anything with me, no matter how bad. As I said she can also talk to my mum, sil and other adult family friends. Maybe she just felt she couldn't.

I also agree that you seem to be doing really well the way you are handling this.

I would second going to the doctors to ask for a referral for possibly some CBT.
Although the bullying may have stopped - the effects on a young person's self esteem and confidence can take longer to sort out.

Young Minds is a good website you and your dd might want to visit.

Twosteps - thank you, I will definately take a look at that link. Right now actually. Thanks

I just wanted to post and say how sorry I am to hear this and that you are not alone.

We discovered that our DD had been self harming at a similar age, also due to bullying issues which she had hidden from us.

Like you we were shocked to the core and very fearful for her. I also hated myself for not having spotted the signs earlier.

We sought support from our local GP immediatley and would urge you to do this. In our daughters case it was decided that she needed to be started on anti-depressants and also referred to a consultant psychologist.

We keep her very close and made sure that we wee always there for lots of love and cuddles and support. We are quite laid back as parents so she knew that she could talk to us about anything at anythime and that we would not be shocked or overreact.

One note of caution - in our daughters case - her self harming and bullying issues coming to light seemed to open a floodgate for her. We had hoped that once things were out in the 'open' that she would start to heal and recover. Sadly for our daughter this was not the case and what followed has been described as PTSD. She became alot worse, alot more depressed, the self harming increased and she suffered terribly.

I don't want to alarm you but if your daughter has been trying to cope with this on her own then it is possibly that things may appear to get worse for her before they get better. Just make sure that you are prepared and ensure that you have no 'expectations' with regards to how well or how quickly she may or may not improve. You need her to feel that she can be 100% open and honest with you with regards to her feelings.

There is so much more that I want to say but we have family turning up any time so have to dash but I will check back in on this thread later.

Feel free to pm me if you would like to

Betty x

I think you are doing really well. What you need to understand, from an exself-harder's pov, is that she is doing it most probably as an outlet to help her deal with emotions she doesn't otherwise know how to process. Well done for acting quickly in getting a GP appointment sorted. Don't let the GP fob you off either, she does probably need CBT or some talking therapy. And I probably don't need to say this, but offer her lots of reassurance and praise so she doesn't feel you are angry or disappointed. Best of luck, x.

Thanks Betty and Freddie

She was worried that I may be angry, but I tried to reassure her that I wasn't, just that I was concerned for her. She was due to go out with a friend so went but. Will definitely try and stress to her that I'm here if she needs me.

Betty, thanks so much for sharing your dd's story with me, it's very helpful to know that things may get worse before they get better. I feel quite helpless as it's the weekend and I can't "do" anything until Monday.

Her friend is off home now, so I'll try and have a chat with her in a bit.

Thanks again for all your replies - it's great to know I'm not alone

X

Best of luck pet, keep posting if you need some support or to vent. It's good that she went out with her friend, she may have been able to talk to her and it showed her that you aren't punishing her. God, 12 is so young, the poor thing, bullying is a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through. She's very lucky to have such a supportive Mum.

I can't offer any advice mum but just want to reiterate what Freddie said ^Best of luck pet, keep posting if you need some support or to vent. It's good that she went out with her friend, she may have been able to talk to her and it showed her that you aren't punishing her. God, 12 is so young, the poor thing, bullying is a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through. She's very lucky to have such a supportive Mum.
Your DD is very lucky. I hope you managed to get a doctor appointment for her today and she can get the help she (and you) need

I too have a dd 15 who occasionally self harms, and a couple of weeks ago planned to jump off a railway bridge
she has had an urgent referral to a psychiatrist and school are being very supportive.
If you met her you wouldn't think there was anything amiss....she is bubbly, outgoining, smiley.....you just never know what is lurking underneath.

Oh mrsrobertduvall, that's terrible. Big hugs for you and your DD. I hope the support she's getting will get you both through it.

How did the gps go today mum?

Hello Mrs, Totally and Freddie thanks for your messages.

Sorry haven't come back to update but been suffering with vertigo, it's awful.

First thing Monday I got in tough with the safe adolescent officer who is dealing with my dd. Explained what had happened and she asked me to hold off telling my gaps she may be able to get my daughter a faster referral. She said she would speak to the senior psychologist and get back to me. Today she called me back and said to go through the gp as this may be quicker. So we have an appointment with the Gp tomorrow after school.

Will definately come back and let you know how we get on.

Thanks once again to all of you for taking the time to reply, it really is much appreciated

x

Just a quick update really.

Took dd to the dr's. We saw a lovely Gp who has been really helpful with my anxiety so I knew she would be good with dd.

I explained the situation and then left as dd said before we went in that she would be more comfortable without me there. I think she's a bit ashamed tbh

The Gp had a long chat with dd and when I went back in she explained that she thought dd would definately benefit from some counseling and that she would refer her straight away. And that was that really. Dd said that she was asked to fill in a questionnaire - seemingly the same as I filled in, just to get a picture of how she feels day to day, how much enjoyment and interest she gets from life etc. I'm sure dd will tell me more of what was said, she seems to tell me things in bits and pieces, once she's had time to process them

So now we just have to wait for an appointment to come through and take it from there.

Thanks again to you all x

Good luck x

Good luck and for what it's worth it sounds like you're on the right track. I self harmed as a teen and my parents tried to pretend it wasn't happening. Years later in my late 20s I had CBT which helped me. The big plus of you discovering this early and being so pro-active is that your daughter will learn to deal with her 'issues' (sorry i hate that word but couldn't think of a better one) early one.
Well done on what i think is some excellent parenting.

Ah Mum, I am glad you are making some quick progress. Fingers crossed for you and your DD.
X

Thanks anyfucker and Freddie x

Iloveberries - thankyou - you've brought a tear to my eye (I'm dead emotional atm) glad you're better xx

I'm sorry for what you're going through :( You sound like an amazing mum and you've caught it quickly and are handling it really well. Your daughter is very lucky. Maybe it will bring the two of you closer.

My oldest (age 13) has been self harming for over a year. I didn't even know for 8 months and will never forgive myself for that. She used to keep it to the tops of her thighs but then it began to escalate around September time and one of her dance teachers found out. It's a secondary issue with her but nonetheless one I obviously take seriously and find deeply scary. It's an awful sick feeling isn't it, knowing that someone you love so much values themselves so little.

I used to do it myself from age 14ish right on into my 20s so I do understand why our girls do it but that isn't exactly reassuring!

I hope the counselling helps your DD