Help me with my son :(

[Losingitall]

I am very upset, bit of a backstory, 2 ds 14 and 10. Divorced from their Dad 4 yrs ago. Relationship is amicable, sees them every other weekend and sometimes during the week. He has never paid any child support.

My DS1 is very intelligent (Gifted and Talented), very good at sports, captain of his football team, in an elite sport group. I work FT, and between DS1/DS2 and their sport am effectively at a training session Mon/Tues/Wed/Thur/Sat am/Sun am. I have a senior sales job, have always juggled things but just about held it together.

My DS1 has always been rebellious and articulate, argue his point with anyone and everyone. He's respectful however, and he doesn't get into trouble much. Liked by his peers. Lots of friends of both sexes. Always acted/behaved older than his age, and regularly gets judged as a 16/17 yr old he's that big.

I have had 2 LT relationships, one still ongoing, since I divorced their father, and DS1 got on with both.

Recently his behaviour is deteriorating. Detentions at school for not doing homework or answering back, not doing what I ask (which has always been an area of contention), room never tidy,and I mean a bomb site/filthy, fight to get his homework done, move his rubbish, bring his dirty laundry out, late for school etc etc.

I have tried a range of things - good behaviour rewards, grounding him, taking his phone off him, taking his laptop off him, taking his xbox or TV away.

It's all come to a head this week, and I used the master of all punishment (no football). He basically hates me, has no respect for me (he says so), behaves better for his dad as he's harder on them than I am. Says he doesn't care what I think of him, doesn't care how his beahviour makes me feel.

I know some of this is teenage rebellion, and is normal, but this FEELS like something more serious/sinister. I've asked if he wants to live with his Dad for a bit and his reply is he wants to stay with me, but he is making me ill. Every day there is something. I love my son, I have always been very proud of him, I just don't like him much at the moment, and it's making me very upset, I'm sat here crying as I type this, which is not great as I'm on a bloody train!

Any advice/suggestions?

so sorry you're feeling like this (and on the bloody train!)

you say it feels serious/sinister - in what way - it made me think:

hanging around with the wrong crowd
being bullied or in some other kind of trouble
dabbling in drugs
teenage hormones

is your XP able to have a word to get to the bottom of it?

wish I could help you.....

It may just be normal teen behaviour but if your gut feeling is strong about it being something more serious, you shouldn't ignore that.

I know some people will strongly disagree with this but is there any chance you could have a sneaky peak at his facebook (if he's on it)? It may give you some insight into any problems he may be dealing with. I think its acceptable if you are concerned for him. Facebook is hardly a private thing, after all!

Thanks both. I honestly don't thing it's drugs, not from a naive point of view but because he is very fit/healthy and intent on being a pro sportsman, AND, apart from training (I am there), if he goes out with his friends twice a month it's a lot. He tends to socialise with his team mates.

By sinister, it's his complete uncaring attitude, it's almost like he wants to hurt or punish me. I need some different strategies as the one's I'm using aren't working. I can't believe half of me wants him to live with his (knobhead) Dad.

He has accessed FB from my phone, and left it logged in, so I might look, (arghhhh). Thanks again!

I am so sorry you are feeling so low, I know how you feel.

My advice to you would be to pick your battles. Only stand your ground with him if it's really important. So yes, argue the point about homework and getting to school on time, but maybe not about the state of his bedroom - it's his room and if he is happy to live in a pigsty then let him!! He will probably soon get sick of it. Once a week (or more often if necessary) go round the house and collect up his mess in a bin bag, and just put it in his room. He'll soon get the message when he can't find what he wants. Same with laundry, if he doesn't give it to you then you can't wash it, and he won't have any clean clothes. It's his responsibility.

I think he is trying to push you to test your boundaries, it's up to you to decide whether to respond to him or not. It's a difficult time for kids; they want to be independent and grown up but they don't actually have the maturity to see that with this freedom comes responsibilities.

Just remember through all the tough times that he is your DS and you love him, and he loves and needs you, whatever he says. We always hurt the ones we're closest to. In a couple of years time he will be a young man and I'm sure he will be the person you knew before, just bigger and better (and less needy!)

I don't know if this will really help you. The truth is teenagers are hard to cope with, but you are not alone. Good luck!

PS Definitely check FB, but try and be discreet about it! Letting them have secrets is never a good idea.

My eldest DS (16) sounds exactly like your eldest DS!!! In fact, this could have been me writing this post
Sometimes he talks to me like he actually hates me or I'm something he stepped in on the pavement. I have tried the usual (ie grounding, taking phone/laptop/etc away) but sometimes it feels like nothing works.
My DH (divorced from DS's dad many years ago), XP, his new wife and I had a family meeting re kids (also having attitude issues with DD (14) with kids there and that seemed to work for a week or two. Yesterday he was back to his horrible self ..... today he's as nice as pie. Think it's just teenagers for you but as allthings said above, you are not alone :)

PS - I have a FB account purely to spy on DD and DS!!!
They do know I have one but think I just play games on it

Hi sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It may be worth you asking someone close to you who he respects to act as a mediator to help get a discussion going. This is part of my job and it can help, but in order to make sure listening takes place as well. use an object to act as a talking spoon - basically that means the person with the object has to talk and everyone else needs to listen, and then another person gets the talking spoon.

You could also try the respect board - this is where the members of the family each write down three things they respect about the other members of the family and why- it just helps to focus on the positives a bit more.

In terms of punishments or sanctions you could try a family contract where there are rules for each member of the family where the consequences for breaking them are discussed in advance. You can also link this to chores , demonstrating a positive attitude so he can earn stuff back as well.

Also , and this will be hard, at 15 try not to ask him to do things too many times ie homework or else he will just think you are nagging and will be less likely to do it- hopefully the consequences ie the detentions will take effect soon.

Some one to one sessions with someone may be a good idea- not counselling as that may be off putting for him but maybe lifecdoaching - if you are interested in that let me know where you live and I will get you a recommendation.

I do do that as part of my company - but I live in West Yorkshire.
Remember you are not alone.
Good Luck,
Gemma

Have your radar out for everything.you are clearly a great mum as you can sense there is more to it than hormones. Consider unrequited love, bullying, and even struggles with sexuality. But give him some space and don't take tantrums personally. Tell him you are worried about him, and if he doesn't want to talk tell him he could always write you a letter. Good luck, keep loving and don't let him go it won't last forever.