Please help!!! 14 year old and "unsuitable" boyfriend

[shesparkles]

So. DD is 14 and has a boyfriend of the same age. I don't have an issue with her having a boyfriend, but the more I find out about this one the more I want to shout NO NO NO in a very loud voice.

Being a nosy bintcaring mother, I was having a nose about his facebook (it's wide open) and minor alarm bells started ringing when I saw a comment made by him about his mate "coming on" to his girlfriend-my dd. I lightheartedly asked her what it was about and she said that when they'd been out together, they'd bumped into a couple of his (male) pals and they'd been chatting. She'd been chatting to one of them-just teenage chat, nothing flirty, and the boyf had got a bit arsy with her.
So the alarm bells got a bit louder. I then had the conversation with her about she's her own person, no one else, male or female can dictate who she talks to etc.
I found out another couple of things about this lad which kind of had me on high alert, but in a manageable way as she's not seen him since last week.
Fast forward to last night when I found out some SERIOUSLY not good things-he's been involved with the police over a couple of assaults (as in HE'S done the assaulting) and there's some drugs involvement with other members of his family he lives with.

So, the alarm bells are constant and very loud. I want her to have NOTHING to do with this lad. Fortunately he's at a different school so there's not the day to day contact. Whilst I don't want to be the dictatorial parent, I'm responsible for her, and I feel as a parent, there comes a point where a decision has to be made for her benefit that she's not going to like.

And to complicate things, this lad seems to be seen as some kind of "prize" by a lot of girls, so I suppose there's some perceived kudos for her seeing him

How the hell do I deal with this???

Invite him round for plenty of long three-course meals at your house and tell your daughter how delightful you think he is.

That's what my parents used to do, the cunning bastards. Combination of watching boys crumble meekly under their interrogation barrage of polite chat and thorough parental approval meant that very few of my teenage romances lasted more than a month or so before I got extremely bored.

Mind you I would also make sure she's on the pill.

Grumpla that was something that a friend suggested, but the stuff I've since found out takes it out of that league....if he was just vaguely unsuitable then I'd go with that, but this is way beyond that

Very hard because theres always that thing of the more you try to put her off him, being a teen she may want to rebel against your wise words and 'want' him all the more!

I think at 14 she is still young enough for you to have a rightful influence over what she does despite her own wishes, but theres a thin line and forbidding her may backfire.

I think you've done the right thing in talking to her about her being her own person re the BFs 'issue' with her speaking with his friends.

I dont have daughters, I have sons, I have recently had to have lots of chats with my 15 yr old son due to his 'relationship' [not BF/GF but he was close to her and wanted to pursue it] Shes a nice girl, BUT I had reservations as I saw a fair bit of manipulative and possibly controlling behavior from HER too and could forsee heartbreak on his part

What I did was to encourage him to talk about it with me, that meant I had to bite my tongue a bit so I didnt put him off opening up to me. When something would happen id talk about the issue by giving him examples of how people can be manipulative etc and he did start to connect the dots between that and how she was behaving.

Its very hard and frustrating, bit like having a friend with a 'bad' BF but worse!

I think you should keep talking to her, when ive read stuff on here about controlling men and 'red flags' ive often wondered whether if I had a daughter id show her ones of those red flag check list things. after my recent experience with my son I think I may show him one as I think it would be beneficial to him too.

Would you consider showing her one?

hmmm that could be worthwhile Amber. You're thoughts are the same as mine, she's fairly open and I don't want to lose that.
I just want to shout "you're never ever to see him again" but I know that could be a "little" counterproductive!
Jeez where's the instruction manual!

stop nosing on his facebook you wil have heart failure approve of him and ask him round for tea say what a lovely boy he is , watch it fizzle out and give yourself a pat on the back for being so crafty , MY dd had a boyfriend at 14 who looked like a serial killer he was very emo it lasted 3 weeks pheww ,

maybe i shouldnt have said he looked emo wasnt a really nice thing to say all teens have different styles
he did look like a serial killer though
dd is now a grown up apparently he has been done for computer hacking and stalking !!!

This one does kind of have serial killer eyebrows!

He's already been in bother with police for various things!!!!

Yep! totally understand the desire to say they cant see them any more, with my son it was worse in that they go to the same school!

I never imagined it would be like this and stupidly thought I probably wouldnt have such issues as mine are boys!

My plan was to do my best to raise them to be respectful to women/girls and so hopefully they wouldnt be 'that' boy who goes around breaking hearts. well I think I managed that, but maybe their 'nice guyishness' is too premature to be appreciated?!

My son said 'why does she like boys that dont treat her well' I told him that thats her issue and he shouldnt change his behavior to fit her blueprint of how boys/men should be.

I really think this should come up in sex/relationship education, I know it does to an extent, but I think it should focus more on the 'red flag' stuff and as you have said the stuff about 'being themselves'

The girl my son was into is V popular too, so I suppose part of it is down to wanting to fit in and be popular too which is normal..also the age old thing of the lure of a 'bad boy'! [or bad girl in my case!]

Good luck!

Good point about being really positive about him.

If the lure of the bad boy is part of this, how offputting would it be if mum thinks hes wonderful!

Nice bit of reverse psychology always works!

Don't have a teen yet but have 3 daughters so taking notes!
It may or may not be effective to ''love'' this new boyfriend so it takes the bad boy shine off. It certainly will probably help though!

Maybe if you were really evil do a bit of digging and find out a weakness of his Maybe a nice trip to the ice rink if he's a useless skater will show your DD he's really not so attractive flapping about like a dying swan on the ice!

I do think you should try and bang home about her being her own person what is right and wrong about a boyfriend encourage her to see her own friends etc etc , that sometimes boys can be a bit posessive with them and want to own them and be al macho about having a girlfriend i have said this too my own girls , there is a silly line between advising and not aproving of boyfriends but i do think if we stay smiley about it then it will fizzile out , I do think girls can be intense about boyfriends too , teens eh who would have um

Just ducking in to say that I think Sebastion's idea is actually a good one. Taking him out of his comfort zone AND context so that she sees him in a different social context and situation where the cool, lounging act doesn't work and makes him look silly. That kind of thing matters to a 14 year-old girl. And those images stick!

I'd keep close to him, invite him around a lot. Be positive about him an she might open up about what bothers her about him. If you tell her no...she will do it... Get her out and about and she will probably meet someone else, teenagers are fickle.

Thanks for the advice -especially from those of you with sons, it's good to know more about how boys tick.
I'm at work tonight so dh is going to have a chat with her.
I think we're going to invite him round (and refuse at his peril!) and take it from there.
Going to think of something to do with her this weekend as well, just to make her a bit less available..