Moody teenager addicted to Facebook

[Cuddleczar]

My DD who is almost 14 has descended in recent months into a moody teenager who spends every available minute on Facebook. At mealtimes, she escapes from the table at the earliest possible moment, muttering that she is going to get on with homework. But little homework gets done and instead she is usually on Facebook chat. We all used to watch an hour of TV together in the evenings but now it's just me, DH and our two (older) DDs (neither of which had much of a moody teenager phase). She hides away in her room.

She has just got a BF (nothing too serious I don't think, I hope not at 13 anyway!) but her grades at school have plummeted. She no longer likes physical affection, just stands there and will slip out the house without even saying goodbye properly if she can. Often when I speak to her, she will push me out of her room or shut the door on me. Her sisters say she never speaks to them either. Things were bad at the end of the summer term but got better when all 5 of us were away (no computer access) and spent lots of time together; same happened at Christmas.

From reading some of the threads on here I realise this is not the worst teenage behaviour but I feel I need to act quickly to nip it in the bud and regain some control/direction for her. One major problem in the past has been that because she never used to go out with her friends, I couldn't use that as a stick/carrot. Plus I have considered turning off the router (to stop wifi signal) but others in the house are also doing homework using the internet so that is not usually an option.

Any ideas? Is it likely to pass or get better? With two older ones you would think I would know but me and DH get on so well with them (15 and 17) and I think we have escaped the risk of teen crisis with them.

we have a communal pc in the hall...so very easy to check for illicit non-homework activities..this goes a long way to ensuring reasonable behaviour as they don't really have any other access, well dd does but her phone is on the mantle at bedtime.

Also very clear boundaries as to what will happen if pc time is not as discussed!

ds2 in particular is a demon for sulky grunty kevin style behaviour if he gets too much screen time, so I mostly don't sanction it.

I'd have a small chat about basic manners, not saying hello/goodbye/escaping from meals is not on at all imo and I'd point out how much nicer she is without the fb influence, and discuss moderating her own behaviour.

Is she having any bother at school?? That can certainly be difficult to pick up on, but it does sound like the real "her" is still in there and maybe she is trying out the moody teen and taking it a little too seriously??

And I think you can program the router to only allow access to certain machines at certain times

I think I would sit down with her and say that facebook is causing a problem and work out a reasonable amount of time to spend on it after homework. At 13 you still have a bit of control and facebook is a pain if they can't limit their use. There must be a carrot you can use as an incentive, teenagers always want something!

Thank you both. Catsmamma, so you think there is a direct link between "too much screen time" and sulky behaviour? I think I have noticed that. I have tried limiting screen time, webwiz, problem is I follow it up for a couple of days and then when things seem to be going well I relax and it falls apart again. Must try harder!!

I find it hard to maintain being "policeman" as well Cuddleczar. We ended up with as many star charts on the fridge when all three of mine were teenagers than when they were small

Hi cuddlezcar! I don't have teenagers but wanted to add that i think there is a link between grumpiness and too much screen time. I can feel it happening to me when spend too long on the computer. It is weirdly addictive even though I know this, so she might actually thank you for stepping in and limiting it for her.

Dd is now only allowed half an hour a night and an hour at the weekend..,,,I agree that they get very obsessed and antisocial when on it for huge periods of time.
She grumbled a bit but actually has secretly welcomed the limits.

We had a big talk about it with her. She had to produce a timetable, with max of an hour an evening (though actually I think that is too much, but small steps, small steps) on Facebook. We gave firm rules about being polite and saying goodbye properly in the mornings; and I told her how upset it made me feel that she is behaving as though she is rejecting us. She did seem to thaw out a bit and talk properly for the first time for ages. And she admitted that she didn't feel happy--but said that she never does. She does tend to have depressive moods which used to seem to come over her for no reason. But then again, tonight, checked that she was doing her homework on the computer and lo and behold, she was on FB! Need to be firm about that, and possibly move the computer. Thanks for the support, all!

You could print that on a t shirt and make a squillion at xmas

Hmm I don't think this is a lot to do with whether she is on facebook or reading a real book. Facebook is a social activity essentially, she could be on the phone but it would cost more.

I think her insularity is the thing that I would be most worried about. When my dd gets like that I make sure I zone in on her, spend time with her just relaxing, and always give her lots of cuddles, jokes and closeness. You can't force them but you need to give them space for it to happen. Sit on her bed with her last thing at night, go for a walk with her, that kind of thing. If she has 'thawed out' when you had a talk that's great, but don't focus on what you're going to let her do and not do, focus on getting her to be close to you first.

I have been known to unplug the router and lock it into the boot of the car, by the way - when push comes to shove. When I was a teen my Mum used to go to the basement and shut the electricity down when music got too loud.

I do think for certain children screentime is not a good thing. Def ds2, as I said is a right kevin the teen if he has too long.

I would absolutely move the computer, ours is in the hall, so quite public and also quite chilly :o

Spenditwisely also makes a good point in that you can't force them to open up to you, (or be happy) but if they are spending time in the same room it's a lot easier to keep an eye out and get a feel for their mood than if they are in their own rooms doing their own things

We now have a laptop, 2 netbooks, a tablet and a PC. Policing them is impossible, but I do make sure they are all within view / earshot. However I don't think there's anything bad going on with Cuddleczar other than her spending too much time with peers and not enough with family.

It may depend who her friends are - perhaps they are a bad influence. There is something to be said for treating it as though they are real people in her bedroom - would you let a crowd of them in the house every night for several hours?

But the whole screen time thing is a big problem in our house.

We have been using a free program called ?K9 Web Protection? for the last 2 years to stop my daughter from accessing online games, facebook, bebo ? etc from her computer in the bedroom. However, there're no restrictions on the computer in the living room. This way, I know she can concentrate on her homework when she?s in her room.

OP, if you are concerned about your dds over reliance on fb, you can help her by enforcing some rules. We once watched a programme with the dcs where some teens were so addicted to online gaming that they would hardly stop to eat and rarely left the house. We have had limits for years so that they can learn that these things are fun, but they can't dominate your life. The dcs know we're not being nasty, just trying to find a balance that's good for family life.

We have no screen time after dinner, before school, on weekend afternoons, or on Fridays (ie no internet, ps3,ds, sky) although they can watch anything they've recorded on planner on tv in playroom, shared between four. We don't have Facebook, dd is 13 and doesn't want it. They tend to do homework, practice or play music, play board games, read or join in with whatever we're watching in the sitting room. The other dcs are 11,9 and 7.

I find that having some limits helps them remember all the other things they could enjoy doing, and we interact more as a family.

How about getting your dd to agree to an experimental period, maybe one month or so where you limit time spent on facebook etc? She might even find that she's happier when she's on it less.

Some really good advice here, thank you; I will investigate the K9 Web Protection software. Some of the above makes me think harder about a few things...for example, I have always been very big on bed time but in the past year, although my middle DD puts herself to bed at 10 am, the other two (including the Moody Teenager) are dreadful about getting to bed on time. The oldest DD is getting better but the Moody Teenager will spend hours in front of her mirror, doing her hair, failing to tidy her bedroom or sort her things out...and I have reached the point wherein order to make sure I get enough sleepI have just said, OK, I am going to bed now, kiss and good night. So we have lost that one-to-one session just before bed. Not only that, she asks to be woken up at 6.30 am (doesn't leave the house till 8.15) so that she can spend huge amounts of time on her face, her hair, etc etc. So she is not getting enough sleep either.

I thought it was all going quite well this weekend--managed to get her to do her homework, extra maths (exam looming), and a walk in the park with Communication, and then last night I discovered the old laptop under her bed when she should have been getting ready for bed...checking on FB again (fortunately chat doesn't work on that one). My DH blew up this morning (after she didn't respond to a question because she had her headphones of her iPod in) and REALLY shouted at her. Scary stuff, he isn't often like that. She ended up going out of the house without breakfast and without saying goodbye. Sigh, I feel it is so difficult getting it all right. Does it sound like she has far too much leeway? I think part of the problem is that we forget she is only 13 and we forget how we behaved with our oldest when she was 13. (Though the oldest does remind us sometimes!! eg "I never had a phone, or pierced ears, or access to the computer....etc etc..." Do others with older DDs/DSs find the same? I also wonder whether it is a touch of burn-out, that when you put so much effort into your older ones (and it is all interesting because you have never seen it before), when it comes to the younger ones, you don't have the energy to put in the same effort. thanks for support, feeling really mis this morning!!

I have two older DDs (18 and 20) and DS(15) I think there are a lot of things that DS can do that maybe his older sisters couldn't at the same age but that is for lots of different reasons such as we have more computers now, we've been through the exam system a few times and it isn't so scary and he is quite self limiting with the xbox and with going to bed when he is tired. I do try and give him the same attention as the older ones got but sometimes I just can't get worked up about things that I might have with the DDs (yes ICT teacher I mean you - DS was on a school trip that is why he is behind, it will all get done in the end).

I think Asine's idea of a facebook limit for a fixed period of time is a good one and I wish I'd done that with DD2 - her obsession didn't start till she was in year 11 and definitely had a detrimental effect on her exams.

Now I just need to break my MN addiction

Hi Cuddleczar and others -never been moved to chat on mumsnet until today . I have been battling the facebook moodiness for what seems like forever with dd of 13 . It is so comforting to hear from you all who are going through similar experiences . I must say I am so sad that life seems to involve so much policing - I find myself permanently watching the clock when she is on it- reminding her that ' time is nearly up', or checking she isn't on it when she is supposedly doing homework - it dominates all our lives. Older ds is away at Uni and was never such a challenge. Have imposed restrictions before around not going on fb at all during the week and it has worked....and have even had instances where dd has remarked that she feels happier. After the weekend we have just had I feel it is time to introduce this regime again. Will break the news to her tonight - wish me luck!

Sorry going to post and run as busy but will be back later .. Would it be wrong to say I found your post refreshing?? You are not alone - 'talk' later !

I recently read a report of a study showing that people who spend a lot of time on FB are less happy than those who don't. They seemed to think it might be because when you see just someone's life on FB it looks perfect. When you see your friends in real life you see the bad bits as well as the good bits, you see that life is not perfect at all. I will try to find a link.

It was research from Stanford- here is a link to an article about it.

I also recall a really great bit of advice the headmistress at my dds school gave us....she said that we all ( especially women)need a break from 'socialising' and that home used to provide us with the refuge from all the normal ups and downs in our friendships. In this new world of constant social networking there is no natural break and she suggested that is is our responsibility as parents to provide that 'space to breathe'.
Have just broken the news to DD about the weekday fb 'ban', by the way, and I may just be imagining it ( or wishful thinking) but she looked quite relieved.....I'll keep you posted. Better go and spend some time with her :)

Fascinating article on that research related to FB! Our FB ban is going quite well (got another maths paper done last night). But failed on the bed time thing--went in to check how she was getting on at almost 11pm to discover that she had just painted her nails! Not easy to clear up your clothes and get your bag ready for tomorrow with wet nails. Still, I suppose time management skills take a while to hone...I am still working on it myself!