Advice and hand-holding needed re teenage daughter and her ishoos pleese

[tunnelmaniac]

Sorry in advance if too long.
After a horrible time between ages 13-14, 17yr old DD was lovely and settled with great Bf until she cheated on him with man of 22 who she has now been seeing for 6 mths. He lives up the road, has no family and is on dole and antidepressants. She is an A* student and had ambitions to go to top uni (not pushed by us). She is spending 24/7 with him, we hardly see her and when we do she is foul to us all. She lives with me and Dh &Ds 19 & Dd 7, her dad lives locally and we all get on.
She had a rash on her foot so went to Dr. He said was type of eczema sometimes caused by stress. Just found out she got him to refer her to child mental health unit. Am horrified, she has lovely home and gets to do mostly what she wants. I think it's him (the Bf, not the Dr) giving her ideas re: the mental health thing. The only stress she gets is because of her own behaviour, and that's calculating. I know how serious MH is, my own Ma has BP and was hospitalised when I was a teen, but bloody hell, I've never used it as an excuse for bad behaviour. In fact i've tried really hard not to be like my Ma was with my children.
What do We do now? Any ideas?

Sorry about this predicament
Firstly I would support your dd 100% she has been reffered for a reason and maybe the reason is she doesn't know how to break it off with this guy??
I think once she gets to see someone and talk through what she is stressed about it will only be a good thing. Hopefully she will see what her life is at the moment.
I would either with or without her knowledge (only you know how this would go down) phone the health professional she will be seeing and put your side accross so to speak so that they are in full posession of the facts.

"Just found out she got him to refer her to child mental health unit. Am horrified, she has lovely home and gets to do mostly what she wants"

Do you think there is any kind of connection between the first and the second sentence here, OP

and that people with lovely homes cannot develop mental health problems?

fwiw I have a lovely home and have still had counselling due to stress caused by living with a person with health problems (my dd). This could well be the case with your dd too, and it may well be that the doctor will be able to help her finding the means of dealing with it, whether coping with the relationship or breaking it off.

actually, most of the people I know who suffer from anxiety and/or depression come from good homes. They don't blame their parents for their mental health problems any more that they would blame them if they contracted cancer. But thankfully most of them have not refrained from getting help for fear of reflecting badly on their families either.

You are understandably angry because she has behaved badly in the past (cheating on her boyfriend, being unpleasant to you).

But you have to separate that from her right to be treated if she needs it (and all that first referral will do is to evaluate whether she actually needs treatment-it is not a given). Even badly behaved people can fall ill, and if they do they need treatment.

No, she is manipulating the situation because she can. She has always had boundaries and pretty much stuck to them until now, which is why she was allowed to go places - we knew where she was and she always kept us informed and talked to us. but now she just wants to spend her time shagging and smoking weed at his house. She just comes home to get showers and clothes and usually turns up at dinner time. It' s a complete personality change since she met him. And, no, we are not horrible to her because we don' t want to lose her. I'm perfectly aware that MH issues can happen in any home, thankyou, Cory, but I am also aware that teenagers are easily led. I doubt she wants to break the relationship, it's too exciting.
Apparently, in school, it's cool with the other students to have a perceived "issue", whether it' s being gay, dyslexic, MH prob etc etc. DD said so. My poor Dh can't understand it as he is dyslexic himself and struggled for years. She wants to be labelled as having an issue.

You sound quite mean about her. If you don't believe she has a problem while she feels she does, what's the worst than can happen if she gets referred to the mental health unit? Surely it's better than not being referred if she feels she needs it.

You may not be openly horrible to her, but you have made up your mind about her, so it's going to be difficult for you to support her to make any changes: I think it's a good idea to leave that to professionals who will find it easier to look at the situation objectively.

Supposing she has or does develop a genuine mental health issue: how would she be able to communicate that to a parent who has already made up her mind that "issues" are just a fashion in her school?

I agree with AKiss: what harm can come from a referral? It's not like they dish out antidepressants like candy to teenagers; but they do teach some useful techniques for coping with everyday life.

IM not sure why you are horrified im sorry your dd is going through a tough time The bf is a seperate problem , are you not pleased you daughter is getting help for what ever problems she has , its doesnt matter she comes from a good home mental health problems hit all , my own dd comes from a good home and she was referred to Cahms when she was 15 she was struggiling a bit , this was done through school she went on her own to counciliing she couldnt talk to me , (although that did upset me a lot ) but she did it on her own and came out the other end , please support your daughter this isnt shameful at all ,

AFAIK stress doesn't cause eczema but some people may itch it more when they are stressed, bemused by there being a particular type of eczema caused by stress...

No harm in her getting some help with her mental health though, being in a relationship with someone with depression can mean you need help with your own mental health.