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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Rebel 14yr old daughter

15 replies

Frenchbean24 · 12/01/2012 10:52

This is my first post and I need some good advice. I've read a few threads and can see that I need to continue communications, but this is difficult when it's a one-sided conversation. My DD was an early developer and hence got lots of attention from the boys at school, not good. She has also started smoking and smokes out of the bathroom window when life gets too much for her, or she gets into trouble with us. She is now bunking off school when it is just a study period, luckily not when it is a proper lesson.

Her temper is appalling, she throws chairs, hits her brother & sister and it is impossible to talk objectively with her. She is the middle child and I understand it's difficult to know her position in the family, but we have tried to address this.

Do we carry on threatening her with all sorts, at the moment she has no phone, no facebook, is grounded for a month, no internet (except for homework), no school trip. The only thing left is to threaten moving her from her school and therefore all her friends. But her friends are part of the problem surely?

Any advice would be really appreciated. Will be sitting round the table tonight to discuss, any pointers please? Thank.

OP posts:
percysgirl · 12/01/2012 12:41

Hi Frenchbean.
My DD is 14 too and her behaviour can be a bloody nightmare challenging to say the least sometimes. We have tried the family meeting in a calm manner. She ended up in tears and it was quite hard to keep my temper at times for me. She said she felt like we were all having a go at her all the time, she didn't fit in etc. We tried to explain that we loved her but didn't love her behaviour. It seemed to be going well but this morning she threw an almighty strop over losing her school skirt (eventually found it thrown in her wardrobe Hmm). I stayed calm and when she was shouting about not being late for school, I gently reminded her that was the reason why I ask her to make sure her uniform for the next day is all sorted the night before. She flounced out (on time I might add) but has text me since to say sorry - she just got stressed. I text back that it was ok to get stressed but not to take it out on me and that she would have got a better response (ie help to find skirt) had she asked me instead of shouting at me and assuming it was me that had hidden said skirt!!!
If I were you, I would let DD know you are thinking of moving her from her school (she doesn't have to know you don't actually mean this Wink) but tell her you can only put her behaviour down to her mixing with the "wrong crowd". I tried this with DS1 when he started getting lairy (even got brochures for other schools!!) Lairiness stopped :)
As for her smoking, so sad at her young age :( Tell her you are not going to go on about the health risks etc, as she surely must know at her age how bad they are for you, but you will not tolerate smoking WHATSOEVER in your house. Do you or DH smoke? If you do, perhaps you could all try and give up (I'm an ex-smoker so I do know how hard this is tho)
With my own DD, it seems to have helped that I am doing something with her that my DH and DS's can't do (we are doing the Breast Cancer Moonwalk in May) so have one to one time when we are out doing our training walks. This is her opportunity to tell me anything that is bothering her and we talk it all through.
Yes, communication is the key but your DD must meet you halfway. The temper tantrums have got to stop (she is after all 14 and not 4) - even threaten to take her to the doctor for anger management if you must but follow it through and book an appointment. My DD has realised that if I say something, I do actually mean it/will do it.
(Sorry for such a long reply)

Is it time for Wine yet?

Blackcabmum · 12/01/2012 13:03

Hi
i made my first post a couple of days ago wanting advice for my temper throwing, rude, unreasonable and i hate you all 13 year old DD. So I am not the best person to offer advice at the min as i am really struggling myself. However I want you to know that you are not alone and just knowing that I can talk to people who will not dam my parenting skills or my daughter has really helped me to get some balance in it all. Hang on in and I know the advice will come from those much wiser than me.

percysgirl · 12/01/2012 13:06

Thanks for you BCM

All teenage DD's are a nightmare I reckon Wink

purplecupcake · 12/01/2012 13:36

having been through similar situation with my DD, She was a hand full from been a very young age, but once she reached 13, she was like the demon child from hell..She is also a middle child, not sure i believe in middle child syndrome but it would account for some of the behaviour, i.e the not fitting in, not loved attitude. DD was violent towards everyone in the house aswell as rude and nasty. we tried the grounding, taking things away , family meetings.. all ended up with her in tears and she was nice for a week .. At the age of 16 the final straw was when she hit me, it wasnt the first time but it was the worst time .. Younger sister phoned 999 .. They came, removed DD from the house and gave her a very strong talking to, This was the turning point in her behaviour, she also joined Fairbridge which is now part of The Prince's Trust, they work wonders with teenagers .. She is now 17 and lives with her boyfriends family, she is actually a nice person again .. sent me a txt saying if you ever need anything doing then just ask me :)

there is light at the end of the tunnel

Frenchbean24 · 12/01/2012 15:49

Thanks for all the advice, what a mine field! Will be threatening to move her to another school, but it's my last piece of ammunition, so am not keen to use it, depends on how she talks to us tonight I guess. Just can't believe that DD1 was never as bad, now aged nearly 16 and quite nice really, she just had a wobbly year at 13/14. DS is only 10 so still affectionate and a joy to be around. What went wrong with DD2? We haven't done anything different, same ground rules for both DDs.

I appreciate the advice so much, nice to have someone to talk to about it. Am emotional, must toughen up before I pick her up.

Am definately having a glass of wine when they're in bed later. :o

OP posts:
percysgirl · 12/01/2012 16:39

You will be fine FB - just stick to your guns and don't cry

Shall join you with said glass of wine in front of my pc/eastenders/in bath (not sure what I shall be doing yet!!) later

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 16:50

Have you tried throwing it back to her and asking her what is reasonable behaviour/punishments?

usualsuspect · 12/01/2012 16:53

I think too many punishments can have the opposite effect to what you want to achieve tbh

Pick your battles and compromise is the key

Frenchbean24 · 12/01/2012 18:01

Thanks for all the advice, what a mine field! Will be threatening to move her to another school, but it's my last piece of ammunition, so am not keen to use it, depends on how she talks to us tonight I guess. Just can't believe that DD1 was never as bad, now aged nearly 16 and quite nice really, she just had a wobbly year at 13/14. DS is only 10 so still affectionate and a joy to be around. What went wrong with DD2? We haven't done anything different, same ground rules for both DDs.

I appreciate the advice so much, nice to have someone to talk to about it. Am emotional, must toughen up before I pick her up.

Am definately having a glass of wine when they're in bed later. :o

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/01/2012 18:16

Just a glass Grin

Frenchbean24 · 13/01/2012 12:30

OK, thanks for the advice, the outcome was a very calm chat around the kitchen table, DH asked her what her punishment should be and she knew we should take away a school trip, so perhaps the messages are getting through.

It definately helped, chatting on this site, before sitting down with DD2. It made me think about what I wanted to say before, so I was much calmer too.

Thank you to everyone for very good advice. I hope she really does remember what we discussed, otherwise I'll be here again in a week!

Have a lovely weekend.

OP posts:
TotallyLaLa · 13/01/2012 13:11

Wow!! Fantastic FB

Well done Thanks

Blackcabmum · 13/01/2012 16:13

even if you are here again in a week well done you, sounds like a good job done today. I think we can only take one day at a time and hang on tight, its a bloody big roller coaster.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 13/01/2012 17:53

Good stuff, two steps forward and all that.

doinmummy · 16/01/2012 18:46

Have had nightmares too with my DD 13... Police, running away, unsuitable boys , violence etc. My only advice is to hang on in there. I now show my Dd endless shows of affection..lots of cuddles. Admittedly she wont cuddle me back just stands there with arms by her side. We have also developed a stupid voice that we use to talk to each other with. When she's kicking off I use this voice and she does end up laughing.(sometimes)
I had to rush to the hospital last week (dad had heart attack ok now) I left the house in a real mess. When I came home DD had cleaned hoovered and tidied every room. I'm still telling her what a good girl she is for doing it all and I can see she's all chuffed with herself.

So in a nutshell.. lots of love and cuddles ~~(even when you dont feel like it)
try and have a laugh together and lots of praise for even the smallest good deed.
Good luck xx

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