teenagers and parties

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my 15 year old asked if she could go round to her friend's house tonight - it turns out that 20 people have been invited (including her boyfriend) and the mum is going out for the evening - to return around midnight. Am i alone here in thinking this is bonkers? the host is just 14. the mum tells me there won't be any alcohol - yet i know she has bought alcohol for her daughter to take to a party months ago when her daughter was only 13. my daughter wants to stay over to which i've said absolutely not - she left not speaking to me. i feel crap. any sympathy/words of wisdom out there?

There will be alcohol.

There will be a mess.

There may be trouble.

It really depends - do you trust your dd. So far I allow dd to go to parties and I will continue until she fucks up. She hasn't yet.

But I don't allow mixed sleepovers (there was a thread here about them where I said why I was against them), and dd certainly wouldn't stay over at the type of party you describe.

I suspect the mum may not be coming back (but them I'm horribly suspicious) and I like to pick up my kids themselves, so I can see them and judge for myself what they have been up to .

I think you're absolutely right. Our DC have had parties at home for years, but we have never left them in the house - they're 18 and 19 now! Fortunately we have the space to make sure we're away from the bedlam, but on hand if needed.

At 14 I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving them.

Hmm... My 17yo dsd wouldn't be allowed a mixed sleepover, though we do allow her boyfriend to stay here (with her)

While I am happy to allow her the freedom, she is sensible and her boyfriend is both a nice and stable chap, but I wouldn't want to take responsibility for other kids.

Can you call the other mum? When we have been dealing with alcohol etc, I have a few other mums that I use as soundboards.

I would def want to check if the other mum knows.

I think your right if you dont want her staying over , Im not saying all teens are rowdy cos they are not but if you feel better with her home then dont feel guilty about it , how i played it with dd1 when she was that age is was i played on her safety and trusting her to behave rather than telling her not to go or not to do something iyswim , she seems to have come through it and she did behave herself and never came home roaring drunk she went to boy/girl parties , but her friends were a great bunch alhough not perfect but a good kids , dd always ended up with the drunk crier on her shoulder she said

I'm generally pretty relaxed about these things and the kids haven't f**ked up (as a previous poster put it !) yet but I wouldn't let my 15yr old go to a party where the parents would be absent unless I really knew the family well (and even then I'd on the edge of my seat).

It's a recipe for disaster and things they aren't old/mature enough to cope with (not only sex, drugs, alcohol etc but gate crashers, people choking on vomit, fires etc etc).

At 15 I do need to know the actual address (and take them) and that the parents will be in. I don't need to have met the parent or the child, I trust my kids to judge that. 15 isn't old enough to be able to cope with anything that could go wrong.

I would say no if there is no responsible adult present. Even a parent sitting quietly in another room has a moderating effect on behaviour.

DS1 is 16 and has been to many parties recently. Most of them were mixed sleepovers. We live in a rural area where all his friends live miles apart with no transport and in every case I knew the parents and knew they were not being left.He is a sensible boy and so are his group of friends.
Until year 11 there was never any alcohol involved but lately there has been some drinking at every party.

I reluctantly agreed to him having a house party for his 16th. I did loads of food and provided soft drinks and cider. There were 12 of them, 8 were collected at 11.30pm and the rest (all boys) brought sleeping bags. They drank 3 bottles of cider between them and many gallons of cola .

Our 13 and 12 year olds had a party at christmas. We were in the house but keeping out the way. Some boys stole beer, srayed Lynx around the room and at people, there was a little bit of snogging and it was generally on the edge of madess for the entire time.

DH gave a group of boys a big telling off at one time. I did too. I can only imagine what it would have been like had we not be in.

It was a salutory experience.