I feel Ive lost my Dd

[chinup2011]

Today I found out that my Dd organised a NYE party to be held at my H house ( we are seperated and who is away ATM) all behind my and her fathers back she is 14 and we have always had a super relationship, today I feel bereft, she has always been the model Daughter, and a really good pal. I am so utterly let down.
I'm not after answers hear, just wanted to share with others in the same position, how blooming hard it is!

Yep it's a flipping nightmare at times but in amongst the crap there will be times when she needs someone and only her mum will do. During those times is when you realise the love and friendship is still there and has been all along and will continue to be even though it's not always visible.

hello, I can sympathise

my daughter did something similar last year, flooded my house and lots of damage was done

we were away at the time, and she was supposed to stay at a mates house. They of course told the other parents they were staying elsewhere...cue, empty house and parrtaaaay

no matter how much you tell yourself you have brought them up well, never to tell lies etc, I was completely shocked at the lengths she went to in her deceit, even when faced with water coming throught the ceiling from a shower that had been ripped off the wall

it took 3 days to get some semblance of the true story out of her, and i still don't think I have it all (my bed was slept in...and there are some questions i actually don't have the heart to pursue)

so yes, it's a massive shock when you realise they actually are a fucking teenage cliche, and whatever you do, they will fuck you over given half the chance < harsh lesson learned here >

Tell her all those things you put in the OP. Sometimes telling them you are disappointed & let down works more than the telling off they were expecting. Give her the "if you want to be treated like an adult try acting like one"

Also if you & your ex are on civil terms I think telling her you & he together will discuss how best to punish her,for being deceitful.

Clearing up the mess, vomit etc at the party venue (do you know if there was much mess?) would be a start.

You haven't lost your DD but I know it must feel like it. Welcome to the club!

I was like this at 14 doesnt mean anything, I am 27 now and spend all the time with my mum and I couldnt bare to live further than down the road from her. Most teenagers are like this for a couple of years doesnt mean you wont be super close or she will turn in to some psycho tearaway!

Thanks for your comments. She and I have spent all day clearing up. The whole sorry tale is slowly emerging, and just like OP the deceit had been planned between her and a mate for a while. I have taken away her phone and her access to FB, as this is the root of it I think; the desire to be popular and have explained the worst part of it is how she has completely let me down. I was fighting tears as I said this but you know what! the loss of FB is hurting her more! I have had a tough year, and she knows it, Ive bent over backward to make life ' normal for her, we spend hours talking about things like drink and respect etc. I am gobsmacked!!!!!!
I want to ring the other kids parents to ask them if they were aware the party was unsupervised, they were happily dropping their kids off!
Ex returns later today, we are civil ATM ( he may not be after this!) Dd will explain to him herself what she has done.
I am dreading it.

Well done the FB ban will hit home. Make sure she posts why she is offline for a bit, hopefully it will get back to the other parents.

I think you should talk to the other parents (particularly the partner in crime)just in case they are worried if things got out of hand. It might act as a lesson to some of the others!

Is it possible to get your ex on one side & have a chat so you have a united front to your DD? He may well be angry which is understandable but this shouldn't be laid at your door. I hope he doesn't have a go at you, this has been horrible for you.

I'm sure as others have said it doesn't mean your lovely DD is totally off the rails, she made a silly mistake but you still love her even if you could shake her till her teeth rattle!

Don't let her off the punishment because she is sad

You have to "hit where it hurts" for them to feel the consequences. With my dd, it's her phone.

phone and fb always hit hardest. (and I have learnt the hard way not to give in cos they're sad..and I give in)

Just finished clearing up-2days!!
Have primed ex that she has something to tell him,, she will explain everything, she is shitting herself!
The phone has gone, and I am just about to monitor the closing of facebook, a brilliant idea about posting the reason, hadn't thought of that-thanks. Managed to speak to only one parent so far, shocked like me! As said above this has been one big awakening, I would have trusted my Dd with everything, since birth she has been a delight, we have laughed and cried together, and it has come to this. I feel more
betrayed about this than discovering H had an affair!I am sure we will

eventually move on, and I take great comfort from the above comments, I am exhausted! So Happy New Year to all us parents of teenagers! Btw I also have a son just turned 13! .... Omg!