Teenage daughter and cousin..

[Frogless]

Hello,

Am in a bit of state and will gratefully accept any opinions, thoughts or ANYTHING that people have to say.

I'll jump in and say it.. I am starting to thinnk there is something innappropriate (.. Sexually..) between my My DD(15) and my nephew, 17. I need to get the whole story down so I am very sorry for my rambling message but I think a clear picture Will help (me, more than anything!)

Both families (no dh/partner in the picture for me) have always been very close and see a lot of each other and I adore my nephew - he is very smart, well mannered etc. I Cant fault him, and other than the usual teenage girl stuff, I can largely say the same for my daughter.

They've been very close now for a couple of years. They are at different schools so don't tend to mix socially, but I thought she saw him as a big brother type. However the last few months I've noticed that they seem to be texting All the time, and making excuses to spend time together (unlike any of her otherl friends he just turns up as he likes as he's family after all and can do it under the pretense of seeing me etc,!) but they seem to be in constant contact, texting, msn, phone calls, he drives her around etc.. It's almost been a drag this Christmas. Our two families traditionallt spend most of the days together and when we have the two of them have been joined at the hip. And theres no other word to describe their behaviour but flirting.

On Christmas night they and my ds(10) all slept in the family room of my brother in laws house (have done this for years I didn't think it was a problem!!).. Its a big L shaped room and whilst my dd was supposed to sleep on a bed next to her brother I woke up the next morning and she was in the sofa bed with her cousin and.. Everything about it did not look right.

I.. And they have made nothing off it and they casually said as her brother was snoring shed moved away from him.. but.. I'm not stupid and I don't think I'm imagining it. I'm worried something happened or is happening between them and I have no idea the nature of it or what on earth to do!

The last thing I guess I should mention is I know from our itemised phone bill she has sent picture messages to this number. Again this could be innocent but it seems unlikely. I don't have an opportunity to read her phone messages or msn and I honestly have never felt the need to until now..

I feel ashamed to be posting this and just completely lost as to what to do.. Have I been far to trusting? What should I do? How can I possibly raise the subject with her? And what do I do if I find out something is going on? How would I deal with his parents/essentially my only family..

Please let me know if you have any thoughts at all and..just anything!!! Thank you.

It sounds pretty normal and natural tbh, so I think it's not worth fretting about too much. However obviously she ought to hold off having sex until she is over 16 so a talk might be in order just in case she is thinking that way.

This is a typical case of what is not black or white but all the grey in between.

The 'whites' are cousins are allowed to marry if they wish. So there is nothing to worry about there. They also sound like lovely kids who are part of a lovely extended family.

The 'blacks' are that she is only 15. And whilst sex does happen underage, and you can't prevent it, I wouldn't encourage it by allowing sleepovers. I would also make sure she is confident about contraception usage and choices. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about such things, even if they do involve her cousin.

The greys!! Well firstly it IS a bit odd! Secondly I can understand you feelings towards you nephew are slightly motherly and again it is odd to accept he may be hanging relations with your daughter. Cousins aren't often as close as these two growing up so have less of a brother/sister relationship.

I think the biggest worry I would have, is if a serious relationship does begin, and then it goes wrong. As often young love does. I would hate for their relationship breakdown to cause a wedge between you and your sister (or brother?) and cause a rift in the family. That would be the saddest outcome of all.

However as with most young love, you need to make sure they are sensible, but you also need to let them get on with it. Trying to limit their contact time will only make them want it more!

Hi both.

Thanks so much for your responses so far. Have instantly calmed me down as now what I was expecting (I guess now I feel a little better that I'm not mad for thinking "maybe this would be ok.."

I think I would speak to your dd about it, just in a get it in the open type of way, if they keep it a secret etc it adds to the excitement.

Hope it works out - it could be worse he first bf could be some druggie etc

My thoughts but no real advice. Am in a similar situation, with younger ones.

DD2 is 12, as is my nephew. They have grown up like brother and sister, seen loads of each other, fought like siblings etc. Recently, I noticed a change in the relationship. He kept getting her to sit on his lap, lots of cuddles, etc. They've been disappearing off to his room - they've always played there but there's a different, secretive feel I can't put my finger on (I'm not suggesting anything really worrying has happened). I tried talking to DD2 about it and she completely blanked me, would not speak, just kept changing the subject. That worried me even more.

Then we had a family birthday at the start of the month and nephew kept moving to take up as much seating space as possible and saying to DD2, it's OK, you can sit on my lap. I was really not comfortable at all.

In the end I got DD1 (who's 15) to talk to her and tell her it's not appropriate to be sitting all over him now she's growing up. She wouldn't tell DD1 anything either but she did agree to keep a physical distance. Plus I talked to DH and he said, thinking back to when he was a 12 year old boy he'd be fairly surprised if nephew did have innocent intentions! And we are all keeping a very close eye. Since then things have seemed fine and like back to normal.

Personally I don't care if relationships between cousins are allowed in law - there's something about it that feels wrong to me when they've grown up so close together (quite aside from the fact they are only 12).

But I think I have it easier than you, OP. It's much easier to lay down the law to a 12 year old than a 15 year old. Given that your DD is underage, I'd probably try to keep a close eye and put the brakes on it. He may feel like a "safe bet", but one she might regret when she is a bit older. After all, she's stuck with him being her cousin for the rest of her life if it all turns sour.

Thoughts, but no advice really, just intial reaction to your post. It's sounds as if they have a deep, trusting relationship, that's good. They attend different schools, also good >they have something to talk about/compare. They are united in age and family. The bed thing, well, that could well be a safe sort of pratice thing or just plain old comfort holding. There was an element of sexual frison between young cousins in our family. We just ignored it whilst being aware ifyswim. Your dd is underage, so all the usual messages should be clearly understood by her, and any young man. When it comes to cousins, it's not against the law...if it came to it, but I understand your concerns, and you sound lovely.

Although it isnt illegal for cousins to get together i think if you come from a close familiy then it becomes just Ikky , I can remember being inlove with an older cousin at 14 . nothing happened at all it was all in my head maybe its just friendshp and closeness and because you realise their ages you think there is something more , i hope you get it sorted have you spoken to your nephews mum or dad about it ?

Can you talk to your nephew about this? It would be good to let him know he needs to be careful about getting picture messages from your DD (and others) because as you say they may not be innocent (although they may be!), it would also be good to let him know you are aware of his closeness to your DD and that you trust him to behave as he should (even if you don't!).

I was very close to my cousin at that age and I know a boy who is now the same with his cousin. Nothing sexual going on in either case. But even if there was, and I can see how that might make some peoplee uncomfortable, there's nothing illegal about cousins having a relationship or getting married.

Why don't you ask either of them straight out?

What is the biggest issue for you here- that they are cousins or that she is do young?

My gut reaction is that she is possibly experimenting with new found feelings and doing it with someone safe. I remember having a crush on my cousin at that age - he was 18 months older. I soon grew out of it when I discovered other boys .

How would you feel if your DDs cousin was a girl? I wondered if that was the case really...in which case all the above applies just the same, I think.

I had a crush on a cousin at that age, well secnd cousins in but due to age he was more cousin like. but I do not really like the cousin relationship thing, does seem a bit too close. have you spoken to your sibling?