Teenagers Daughters Social Life ?

[LexyLou8]

Can anyone tell me how many nights / days out / sleepovers, general socialising they allow their 13 year old daughter to have in any week or during these Xmas school holidays please ? Mine seems to be constantly asking to go out, sleep over, meet up with her friends. I am really struggling to deal with this . Stupidly I feel that she no longers wants to be with us or spend time with us anymore and her whole life seems to revolve around the next time she can go out. I am feeling immense pressure everyday to get her where she wants to go or keep her happy. The pressure was even put on on Boxing Day when I clearly asked that at least for XMas Day and Boxing Day it was no friend social life free zone. I have been unwell over Xmas and ended up in tears yesterday with the constant pressure of can I do this and can I do that ? I need to fit in work visiting paretns the normal household chores etc and am runnign myself ragged. Before anyone thinks I am a total nutcase, I havent been too well recently and I had alot of other pressures and this constant asking to go out sleep over etc etc is taking its toll a bit. Any advice on how much other people allow their children to do would be of an enormous help please. Thankyou. Apologies for the ramblings !

I understand her wanting to spend time with her friends...Christmas holidays can be long and boring.
DD 15 is out and about ....but the rule is that I don't take her. She is expected to get to places under her own steam.
Can you let her do that? I'd have thought having her out of the house would let you get on with whatever you need to do.

Do you have other children? What age/sex?

Thanks for your replies. The problem is most of her close friends that she wants to see arent in the village we live in so its not that easy for her to make her own way to places.I have no problem with her seeing her friends but within reason and not at the detriment of her homework of which she has lots over the holidays or the rest of the family. I know I am having difficulty with her growing up I do feel a bit like I am losing her and am struggling to deal with that and in answer to Bonsoirs question I have another daughter aged 10. I will do anything I can for both the girls but I also would like a little bit of help in return, chores etc and if she is off out galivanting all the time that doesnt happen either. To give an example - The Thurs before they broke up from school she went to visit her boyfriend in another town ( this was without my knowledge or permission ), I then had to go and collect her that night, the Fri they broke up from school was a sleepover at another childs house, but they all came here first for a few hours before eventually being ready for me to take them to that childs house as the parent refsed to collect them, that was about 8/9pm, the SAturday she was collected then we all went to a party in the evening of which close friends of hers were there too, the sunday she asked to see the boyfriend but we refused, but she saw another friend late afternoon. The MOnday I had a group of her friends over mid afternoon, took them all to a concert, brought them home, they all slept over and eventually left about 1pm on the Tues, the Wednesay I took her to meet the boyfriend and friends and they went to movies, she was collected 6 / 7pm, the Thursday she went to the local under 16's ngihtclub, pick up time half ten. Fri caught up with frineds during the day. Xmas eve, the boyfriend popped over with her present. Xmas Day and Boxing Day and yesterday she was home. Today she wants me to take her to another friends in another village to sleep this evening and collect tomorrow, tomorrow she wants to see the boyfriend Fri is another party and sleepover and Saturday we are all out for New Year with close friends of hers also. I think this is all too much but maybe I am being a complete humbug. When I was her age I barely saw my friends outside of school. I am struggling to fit all this in with working, house, parents, havign any social life myself or to include the needs and wants of my other daughter.

I guess that is the trouble when you have a teenager and live in a village where none of her friends live. I think you are going to have to accept that you will have to be her taxi service for the next few years as she is unable to get anywhere under her own steam. My dd has been out every day except Christmas Day to see her friends and I quite like she has a good social life as she is an only child so her friends are very important to her.

Goodness OP your daughters schedule makes me feel tired just reading it. I think I would insist on the odd day at home inbetween all the socialising especially as she has lots of homework. We use school holidays as a bit of battery recharging and I certainly wouldn't agree to so much driving around. Your DD is part of a family and the needs of others need to be taken into consideration so if you want a break say so. Lifts from me have to be prebooked several days in advance and once you've used up your weekly quota - hard lines you are staying in.

At 13 she should not be going out this much, this is a typical schedule for a 17 or 18 year old. She has her GCSE's coming up and if she gets into a habit of going out this much, I guarantee you she won't study and she WILL fail, from lack of sleep, not studying, stress. If I were her mother I would tell her that she can go out twice/ 3 times a week and then that is IT. She is being bloody cheeky expecting you to take her all these places too, so buy her a bus pass or tell her to get it from her own money. I think you need to be firm here Lexy and put your foot down. My daughter doesn't go out nearly as much as this.

Why don't you decide what you are able and willing to do re lifts and tell her? I think you do need to also tell her she has to do say 1 hour of homework each day before she goes out or has friends round. Sounds like you have a good mixture of her going out and kids coming to yours which is good, you just need to set the ground rules. I do think it matter that big kids have a good social life if they want it and it IS tough if they are dependent on you for lifts. Although has she got a bike? Could she use that?

My 13 year old goes out two or three times a week in the hols and one day at the weekend. If I have appointments booked or am busy then I can't ferry her. We have a big whiteboard in the kitchen with that week's activities on and everyone works around it. It works fine, and the other parents share the ferrying so it is fair.

This sounds a bit like my son's holiday schedule.
However, if he wants a lift anywhere, he has to do his jobs around the house first. If they're not done, he doesn't get a lift and no amount of him moaning will make me change my mind.
I would be happy that my child is popular and gregarious tbh; my other son rarely leaves the house to socialise and I worry more about him.
I know it's a pain to be a taxi service, but my late parents did the same for me and I still look back now with enormous thanks for what they did for us (driving 80 miles to London to take us to a concert, sitting outside in the car for two hours then driving home - two nights running!)

I think your main problem is that you feel hurt that she prefers to see her friends than you...it does twang your heartstrings a bit but all part of growing up...

Thanks to you all. I am so pleased that she has loads of friends, she is a lovely , happy girl, but obviously lots of friends comes with a hectic social life and lots of people she wants to see and want to see her in turn.I am happy to ferry her around, I would rather do that than her take a bus on her own at night and I love having her friends over, but when I have time in my scheduel to do it nad I think thats where its going wrong ! It is starting to feel expected and I am worried re her schoolwork and cocnerned that she will become too tired as loopsylou said. Yes, I am struggling with her not wanting to be with us as much, I happily admit that. Something I need to get used to !! I still think that her schedule and requests are far too much at the age of 13 though. If it was always during the day thats not so much of a problem, but alot of this seems to be evenings, sleepovers etc and I wasnt expecting this until she was older ! Sign of the times I expect ! Thankyou all for your comments and advice, the whiteboard sounds a good idea empire !

Sounds familiar tbh. We live in village so have to do fair bit of taxi duty.

The rules are that if she wants to go into town she gets the bus during the day and DH will bring her home on his way back from work so she has to fit in with him.

If she wants to go to friends / sleepover etc it has to be arranged in advance.

If she's out at night eg cinema then she's home during day or v/v.

But I think it's a normal part of growing up to spend more time with friends than family.

I am so lucky we live in a suburb with excellent transport!!!
DD is revising this morning (well, she has made a pretty timetable in varous colours....) and isn't seeing friends till NyE.
Maybe curb the overnight ones ....

We also live in a village and as others have said the taxi service is the parental price to pay.
Having said that I also agree with loopsyloo that this is way too much for a 13 year old.
I have a DS who is 16 next week and he has had activities perhaps every 2 or 3 days during these holidays. In term time he would not be out on school nights but maybe once or twice at weekends. A sleepover would be a treat for his or a friend's birthday not an everyday occurrence. He has lots of friends.

I think it is difficult once you have allowed her to do all this to step back and say no. (Golden rule, I always say "I'll think about it" when asked whether they can do something new). I would try though. At 13 school work may not be a high priority but once she is in year 10 and 11 the homework and revision workload rockets and she will resent it interfering with her social life even more.

You need to decide what YOU are happy with and let HER know, rather than asking her permission not to have any friends scheduled for Christmas day and boxing day How is her schoolwork at the moment? Is she doing as well as she should be? I would be surprised if she was able to concentrate on her homework with that level of socialising.

If it was me I would allow one sleepover at the weekend, provided homework was completed beforehand, and none during the week. I would allow maybe one evening with a friend during the week - but not sleeping over. This is during termtime. During the holidays I would allow a lot more of course, but she also needs to help around the house, do chores and participate a bit in family life, ie celebrate Christmas together. You can't expect her to make the choice to be sensible re schoolwork and rest herself, and you can't expect her not to run you ragged if you never say no and ferry her about constantly to the detriment of your health. You are in charge, you get to decide what is best for her. Lay down the rules as of January and tell her how it is going to be.

In our family Christmas Eve and Christmas day are family days. Also we had a big family party at my sisters on
27th.

Teenagers socialising during the day and evening is fine, but I'd be wary of too many sleepovers. Most teens I know don't do sleepovers unless they're hoping that girlfriends/boyfriends are in the frame. Your dd is looking to spend a lot of time with the boyfriend so I'd be wary. Sounds more involved than mine would have been at that age.

as somebody else said i have always said i will think about it DD1 was more social than dd2 who is 13 she has been to the cinema and town and round to her friends once all xmas , I think you need to say no or at least a days warning when she wants dropped off anywhere , and you tell her when she is to be home , I was funny about sleepovers one in a blue moon was fine but not everyweek end . YOU dd loves you but she is at that age where all she wants to do is be out , but i think its up to us to curb it a little bit and not let them be here there and everywhere and never home,

Yes fortyplus the sleepovers do get a bit much. I hate the fact they barely get any sleep and worry she will wear herself out. She is very active aside from her friends, involved in dance, singing, hockey , you name it really. Sleepovers do seem to be something they are all doing, they have all been single sex ( there was the odd one in the summer where boys were involved but she told me that was happening, I was astounded that the parents were allowing it and she wasnt allowed ot go, actually she said she didnt want to anyway ). She hasnt spent that much time with her boyfriend in all fairness. They have been going out together since July, and he is at a different school. They see each once a week for about forty five mins before her dance class begins, as he lives down the road. Other than that, they have only seen each other 3/ 4 times of a weekend, one of those he came to our house for Bonfire night and last week was the first time they have been to the pictures together and they were with other friends as well. She is spending much more of her time with her other friends than him. I would prefer there was no boyfriend at all, but if its not him it will be another boy asking her out and we decided we would rather know about him, meet him etc and know who she is with, rather than not allow her to have a boyfriend and her potentially go behind our back ,as I know alot of her friends are doing to their parents.

lexylou imo you are doing the right thing about knowing about the boyfriend dd1 had a few growing up always knew about them , dd2 has a friend who sneaks about meeting boys her parents would be furious if they found out , Ive always felt if you approve its not so forbidden and taboo therefore not as exciting as hanging about with their girl friends . I do think you need to cut back on the lifts and say no now and again though just so she doesnt think you are at her beck and call ,

You have my deepest sympathies. Our entire xmas holiday has been organised around the dc and NEVER AGAIN!