First Love and A-Levels

[KateKat99]

I'm a single Mum (divorced), My DD is 17 and did well in her GCSEs and has has now moved onto A-Levels at 6th Form. Over the summer we have BF number 2 and I'm told she loves him, it's quite intense, they text during every waking moment they are not together and he's a fixture at our house most nights.

The problem is I'm now told she hates her A-levels and is falling behind due to spending so much time with the BF and too little time on work/study, the mock results have been dreadful. She's stressed due to failing but not enough to spend less time with the BF and get down to work/revision. I've probably made things worse by going on about how important the exams are to her future.

It would be simple if I didn't care but I do, I've tried being nice/nasty/reasoning, feels like I've done everything to no avail, tonight I even suggested they just cool it off and see each other 1-2 week until after the mid-Jan exams but that "can't be done".

I'm at my wits end to get her to see what she needs to do an knuckle down and get on with the work she needs to do to pass these AS level exams, she knows it but can't / won't do anything and it's so frustrating I could just scream.

Any sane advice or should I just give up and let it runs it's course???

This is my first posting so please be gentle...

K

Aww...no time to respond properly tonight, but I hope people will indeed be nice to you. It's a v. well-put first post, and on a difficult topic many of us struggle with.

If only I knew what to suggest...I would.

I feel for you OP. I am dreading this sort of thing happening. I shall look at the advice with interest.

One of my students in Y12 last year broke up with his girlfriend during the year and didn't come to school for weeks as he was so upset. He also didn't work hard enough because of spending so much time at his old GF's and his new GF's (he didn't pine for long). He failed his AS exams and has had to do a massive rethink.

Is he a 6th former too? If so maybe you could suggest that they study together before going out at the weekends.

I think if it is as intense as you say, I would be inclined to want to meet his parents and then mention something to them. I'm sure they don't want their son failing exams either

He's also in the six form, we're going to try the study together bit and see if it works, it was offered as an alternative to the "see each other once/twice a week" suggestion I made, I'm no so sure it will actually work, but anything would be an improvement on what we have now.

I've also thought about discussion with his mum/step dad, I'm told by my daughter she doesn't really care but I've not spoken with her myself so I don't really know how true that is. It feels a bit odd to me, almost victorian to sit down with his parents and discuss/decide the course of their relationship, I'd want the two of them there as well to be a part of the discussion, not sure how well that would work but it could be worth a try.

The other alternative I have is harsher and thats just asking him to leave/go home or saying he's not allowed over to enforce my once/twice a week rule, it is my house after all so I set the rules but it feels a bit severe and is sure to have some form of backlash.

The fact that she's stressed is bothering me greatly. She's had a permanent headache for the last week, we've seen the doctor, he was the one that diagnosed it was stress/tension. Me going on at her seems to just make things worse.

Don't feel like screaming this morning, just crying but can't really do that in t he office here.

K

I don't think it would be Victorian ,you are not seeking to decide the course of their relationship but if he is spending somuch time at your house it would not be unreasonable to make contact with his patents.I am the mother of a boy and I wouldn't think this odd,you may find they are stressing too but feel you must be OK with it because they are at your place.

Why don't you use Xmas as an opportunity to make contact,you could wish them happy Xmas and then go on to "chat"about how stressed your dd is about her exams and if their ds feels the same etc

Is your DD on the right A levels? It is so much easier to be distracted from something you loathe than from something you love.

Is the boyfriend the real issue?

Why is she self sabotaging like this?

Does she really believe she has the talent/brains to make it in whatever area she is leaning towards?
Or is the intensity of the relationship a way to deliberately distract herself from knuckling down? Is she afraid of going all out for good grades?

I allowed the DCs to have whatever BFs/GFs they wanted and to have as much contact as they wished as long as their grades didn't suffer and this worked out well. Didn't have to pull the plug on anyone's love life. If there had been any falling off, the phone would have been the first thing to go.

I don't think it's unreasonable to sit down with the BF and tell him to cool his engines, that he owes it to the girl he cares about to give her a decent shot at her exams. I would also approach his family but be careful to word it right - you don't want them getting the impression that you are blaming their son for anything. Most likely his grades are fine and they will point out (perhaps correctly) that whatever problem your DD has in combining schoolwork and the BF is hers and hers alone to figure out.

You need to get to the bottom of why she is willing to be so distracted during this crucial year. I also think you should encourage her very strongly to get some girls over to be a study team and forget about the idea of her and the BF studying together. She needs girl friends to try to keep it real and to keep her focused.

Tricky combo...true love and AS levels.

I doubt she is deliberately sabotaging her chances..unless she is deeply unhappy with the AS's she has picked..but you won't know if that is the case until she says so (if it is)

The jump between GCSE and A level is BIG. Both of my daughters had straight As at GCSE .. very able girls, but they both found the mocks at AS a big shock to the system.. the wrote learning and bit of brain power at GCSE just doesn't cut it for A level and they both found this. One pulled herself up immediately and knuckled down. The other, unfortunately got Glandular Fever AND her first serious boyfriend and as a result was pretty disappointed with her exam results! It took the shock of this to make her really get her head down (she is now A2 and doing MUCH better). Her relationship broke up two months ago and after a few HIDEOUS weeks of her breaking her heart, she is plodding on.

BUT while it was true love..it was on MY terms. I said that while she was studying and living at home she had to abide by my rules and that she could see boyfriend at weekends and on a wednesday (orange cinema night!) but even then I had to SEE she was working other nights.. she grumbled but accepted it.. and now the love of her life has gone, she is grateful I didn't give her free rein. I didn't approach her boyfriend's parents however because she would have found that unbelievably intrusive.

Incidentally my DD2 dropped one of her AS levels because she hated it. It hasn't affected her Uni application in the slightest as the Uni's make their offers on the results of 3 A levels..or UCAS points from 3 for the vast majority of courses, (disclaimer..not for medicine ..) so if she is struggling it may be worth consider just dropping one and doing three. My DD2 has had offers from all her Unis..

My dd was in 6th year (scotland) this year she left int he summer and failed her exams well she got 1 her music i was furious it was due in my eyes her BF who is a lovely guy but she was distracted , she did some exams the year before and passed all them just 6th year GRRR although she is at college and doing what she wants to do , but it is annoying and very fustrating ,

Mathanxiety I so agree with your point. I had exactly that this summer, my 17 year old girl keeping first boyfriend secret for a year. It was an extremely abusive relationship which ended up with drama, police and arrest for harrasment and malicious intent. But the point is when we reached a point of calmness and this boy was gone from her life,DD realised this boy and his dramas were nothing but distractions from the massive amount of work and stress the IB brings. Once she had realised this Ive had a different teen. Shes back to her sweet self, no more aggression and head down with the school work. UCAS form has gone in and a great reference from the school to boot. It took a lot of hard work, worry, anger etc but we are getting there. She realises there is only 5 more months to go and there is no get out clause at this stage. I didnt think we would get to this point and Im not saying all is perfect, we still have the strops but nothing like when she was involved with the boy.
I suppose what I am saying is there is no doubt year 13 is horrendous and some teens cannot handle stress, she sounds extremely stressed, and any distraction is welcome. Its worth checking to see how your DD is handling school, maybe speaking with the teachers ?