teenager hates us

[smoothecat]

My DD is 18 and has been a stroppy teenager since she was 10. It just feels like its never going to end. We had a good 6 months once but it didnt last. I really do feel at my wits end now, am worn out with being hated all the time. I know that you cant expect your children to love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm back at schoolthe atmosphere is like when the horrible girls in the class ignore you. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I see lots of her friends who are best mates with their mums, but I think she really sees us as beneath contempt. Keep trying to work out if there was something I did or didnt do, but I sort of feel we've been pretty reasonablesome rules, but not too over the top, she goes and does whatever she wants to, we only ask her to do one task in the house--empty the dishwasher. Perhaps she's depressed? She doesnt speak to us so how would we ever know? Feel so hopeless about the future.

Maybe she just developed early and finished late so the hormones are still active and therefore causing stroppiness,shouldnt blame yourself.your probably doing nothing wrong

Thanks for your response to my first message ever on mumsnet. Have turned to it in desperation, but now I can see lots of really interesting things on it, I should have looked earlier.

Yes my dd is a bit like that and has just turned 18. I think being best mates with your daughters is more unusual. we are fairly easy going but she doesn't really help and is only nice when she wants something.

I have tried to make a life for myself away from her as the rejection is horrible. I keep telling myself it will get better and it has improved a little if I back off.

I totally sympathise. Keep on posting

DD2 got worse when she was 18.. It was as if she thought okay I'm 18 now so I can do what I like. She had an unplanned gap year but went to uni when she was almost 19. She was home sick in the first term and was pleased to come home for a few days in the October. Anyway I digress she is now just 22 and in her final year. She has grown up a lot since she went to uni and often tells me she loved me.

My dd (16) hates me too

Unless I can give her something/take her somewhere she wants, then she is ok for a while until she pushes against the boundaries again and loses the plot...and the cycle goes on

It is exhausting, and frankly boring and I totally sympathise with you

I have no wonderful words of wisdom I am afraid. I try to keep some sef respect by not allowing her to talk to me like I am completely shit, and keep my self respect by not descending to her level

it's very hard though...the atmosphere poisons everyone's enjoyment of family life

Poor you. I would have a look in the teenager topic as there are lots of posts here with some good advice.

Did her stroppiness coincide with puberty? My dd suffered from hideously heavy periods and the worst PMT (a lot of the women in my family are the same). She suffered for a while, however when she went on the pill it helped enormously. I know hormonal contraceptive is not for everyone, but is that something which may help her?

Is there anything she is worried about? Teenage life is very stressful really, could she be unhappy about something and be taking it out on you?

Are you able to try and talk to her one on one? Perhaps get away from the house, go out for lunch or something, or a walk, and try to quietly talk about things, and ask if there is anything else you can do, and say that you want to get on.

I get on very well with dd, she is lovely, but there are times when we clash and argue about bugger all. If you saw us in the street you would think we were the best of friends, but we do snap on occasion, and I am sure that most mothers of teenage girls have exasperating moments.

Good luck.

oops, mentioned "self respect" twice there

yep, it wears you down x

It comes in waves. I could go weeks without a row, then all of a sudden dd turns into Violet Elizabeth Bott crossed with a manic lottery winner, and expects everything her own way accompanied with limitless funds.

But - the vast majority of the time she is a good girl. Thank christ though the hormonal stuff is under control.

DD is 18 and we still have our ups and downs - even though she lives away from home for much of the time now. Huge mood changes still - hope she'll grow out of them soon!

I know my dd is very similar in temperament to me and that doesn't help tbh. It's my dd2 who can be a real pain in the neck.

I sat her down once, and said to her that she could carry on being awkward and nasty to me if she liked - I had no problem with that so long as she kept out of my way. But I would: (a) stop her pocket money. Why would I want to actually pay someone to be nasty to me? (b) stop buying her clothes (c) stop giving her lifts to places and (d) stop her going out. I also changed the password on the laptop so she only had access to facebook on her phone which is totally c*p apparently. I think it is important for kids to see that relationships are a 2 way street and if she treats me like s*t, then I can reciprocate. This actually had a miraculous effect over night, although she does have frequent relapses. (She is younger than your dd and I realise it gets harder with age - she is 16)

Also, my older dd is very pleasant and friendly (we had a bit of a blip with her last year but she has gone back to her old self) and I think dd2 can see that she gets lots of GOOD attention by being nice (it's like having toddlers in the hosue). I have explained this too her and after a bit of jealousy and the 'favourite daugher' routine, I think she could see how much she was missing out on by being a pain.

We are by no means out of the woods yet, as she does have frequent relapses which involve my refusing to take her anywhere and ceremonially going onto the internet bank and cancelling her pocket money, but calm talking does help, as does not responding to begging and puppy dog eyes. I think a careful plan of what you want to say helps too as it can dissolve into a slanging match if you allow yourself to get angry.

Sorry for the long post and I hope she sorts herself out. It's bloddy hard work and just as one problem resolves itself, another springs up. I have sometimes thought that if I read my life in a magazine, I wouldn't believe it.

You are right about the backing off, it does seem to get better then. The rejection is so terrible isnt it? Thanks for your message, good to feel I am not the only one going through it!

Thanks to everyone for all these messages. I have read them all and they made me feel so much better!I dont mean that to sound dismissive of peoples' horrible experiencesI mean I'm glad I'm not the only one in the world going through it. Reminds me that it's probably pretty normal and all part of the joyous experience of parenting. People always tell you the baby years are the easiest--I didnt believe them at the time.....