Ds really hates me and has now got a 14 yr old gf who hates me too!

[cory280280]

Oh gosh, were do I start? My son is soooo angry these days. Its really frustrating me and making me feel like Im doing a bad job. He has started to go out with a girl 2 months ago and has called me horrible things to her ie im a shit mum and a useless c* because I wont take him to see her. She has also commented that she hates me. I take each child somewhere twice a week. They pick where or to what activity. He goes to cadets on a wednesday night with my dd and loves it. When the weekend comes hes on at me all the time to take him to see her. I take him once which i think is ample at this age. she lives 10 miles away and im not running about all weekend after one child, i have the other 2 to consider. Am I naive or is he not far too young for anything serious?? Im not comfortable one bit with him down there as they sit up in her room and I have seen messages that they have seen each other topless. He seems to care about no one else but her, i was so upset when I seen the names he called me. He apologised but it didnt make me feel much better and then he just did it again anyway. Anyway rant over for now, i really hope someone can give me a bit of advice. I feel really guilty and just want him to be really happy.

Disclaimer: I don't have teenagers

But...

I'd focus on how he treats you, not on the relationship with the girlfriend. Why are you driving him around when he treats you like this? Make it clear it's an exchange. He's at a very selfish age so I think he's not going to suddenly find self-awareness and be polite. If you want manners from him, you might need to make more of what you do for him dependent on better behaviour. Hard, I know, if they're going ballistic when you enforce discipline.

Someone else will be better placed than me to offer advice about the girlfriend, though. To me, 14 isn't that young really for a quite full-on girlfriend. (But on the other hand, she's not over the age of consent, which is more of a concern.)

Thanks for your reply. Yea I know what you mean. I will have to start disciplining more, no matter how much he hates it, Im sure it will make things better in the long run. When hes a nice boy, he is such a nice boy and I give in I suppose although he hasnt seen her the last 2 weekends and he wont be seeing her this weekend either, I have made that clear. I just dont know any other mums really with kids my age. Most of my friends have just started! I will give it a go for a while and have another chat (shouting match on his side) with him.

Thanks again.

The first thing that hit me is why you are driving him all over the place? If he is man enough have a girlfriend who he sees topless, he's old enough to get a bus pass and make his own way there!
I'd also tell him he can only do that is he has done his homework first.

I don't think seeing his girlfriend every weekend is too much. I used to see my boyfriend when I was 15 literally all the time. But I certainly didn't have anyone ferrying me there!

Could I ask whether he (and she) are saying things to you, or about you? It's rude either way, but I think the advent of text messages and intsnat messaging mean that maybe we're more aware of what teens are saying "behind your back" when we could have bad-mouthed our parents left right and centre and they never knew about it because we actually spoke to people instead of texting!

So I'd focus on rudeness that's actually to your face, or at least in your hearing, and not get too bogged down by stuff that wasn't aimed at you.

As to the rest - as others have said, he can get a bus. Its not unreasonable for him to want to see her often, and you should not let him have time at the weekend to see her - but it's not your job to ferry him about. Taking him to cadets etc is different, seeing his girlfriend is up to him making the effort.

sorry that should be "should let him have time to see her"....

Re the girlfriend not liking you - In her mind he is probably "Her Man" (pahahahahaha at teenage love!) so you telling him he can't see her etc is totally unacceptable to her and if they can see each other as some kind of modern day Romeo and Juliet it will be much more exciting and therefore preffered... they'll happily cast you as the villian, bless.

Try some of these video clips:

My angry teenager
Young love
Help them solve their own problems

14 not unusually young to have a girlfriend but I'd be having a "talk" about inappropriate behaviour.
If as Cat64 says you are rural then you have my sympathy. We live in a small village and all the DSs friends and DS1s girlfriend live in other villages.
Which are not connected by buses.
I do accept though that the taxiing must be the price we pay for not living somewhere more teen friendly.
DS1 is almost 16 and sees his GF most Friday and Saturday evenings. We try to share the lifts with her parents (they just visit each other). In school holidays it's more. Plus he needs ferrying to other activities during the week.
So 2 trips a week doesn't seem a lot, and it wouldn't take half an hour to take him 10 miles? Perhaps you are on your own? Or work full time? Either of those would make it harder.

Could you therfore drive him to a bus stop? Maybe a good compromise?

OP's post screams of needing this book.
(Disclaimer: I haven't read it)
We are a cycling family, & I will probably have to restrain DS from cycling down busy roads 15 miles each way to see his girlfriends in a few years (sigh).

I speed read "raising boys" and your post reminded me of it. It said when you hit these teenage times when they will inevitably break away from you and not want to be guided by you, that a positive role model who they look up to like in your case the instructors at cadets can be a very useful way of getting guiding your son but without them realising and kicking back against it.

Maybe a word with his favourite instructor there (sworn to secrecy obviously) and then them bringing a conversation up casually could work?