Ds (14) just told me he feels sad most of the time and he doesn't know why.

[andlipsticktoo]

Not really sure what to do about it really. Just had a conversation with him following a bit of a row we had had earlier, and he just said he feels sad most of the time. I asked him how long he had felt sad for and he said he didn't really know. I asked him whether he felt sad when he was with his friends and he said, usually not! Am I being overly concerned about this? He is my eldest of 3 ds.

If I'm honest I do nag him quite a bit as does dh, but usually about stuff like doing homework last thing at night, the night before it's due in, or being unkind to his brothers, or tidying his room etc. He has been less and less communicative with the family over the last year but I've just been putting it down to being a teenager. Maybe it's something more?

He is in Y10 at school and doing very well in all his subjects with the slight exception of English in which he has dropped from set 1 to 2, but he never puts any effort into homework and says the only subject he enjoys is GCSE music.

He has a small circle of friends who he sees fairly regularly and chats to on Skype most days, and they all seem to have similar interests. He is not at all interested in girls, but has definitely 'developed' over the last year. I just don't know what to do to help him, or if I really need to do anything, other than tell him that I love him and want him to be happy.

I think the fact that he feels happy with his friends is reassuring. DS is in year 10 and he is certainly finds school less fun than previous years. He finds the switch to controlled assessments and lots of general nagging from teachers about GCSEs hard. He enjoys music and drama but only find enjoys other lessons if something entertaining happens in them ie someone falls off their chair

DS also does all homework at the last minute. He is doing homework in the kitchen at the moment after being so disorganised that he forgot he had a science test (he confessed because the mark was going into his report). I don't mind it being done the day before if that's the way he works so long as it is done early in the evening. I find that he does seem to put in a bit more effort in if its done downstairs rather than scribbled in his book in his room.

I think I would try to pick your battles a bit and try and reduce the nagging. He isn't doing anything terrible just lots of smaller irritating things. DD2 was the worlds messiest child and drove me mad with a trail of stuff not just in her room but all over the house. We decided that her room had to be tidy every sunday at 6pm or she wouldn't get any pocket money that week. Yes she did start tidying it at one minute to 6 but at least I knew it would be tidied and so I could ignore it as it got messier and messier during the week. Her room at university is a tip (I've seen it on skype!) so she hasn't learnt to be tidy its just a matter of managing it so there isn't constant nagging about it.

The autumn term is always seems very long and the thing that will cheer up DS the most is finishing for Christmas next week!

Thanks for getting back to me. Yes I am really trying to pick my battles at the moment, but when I say doing homework at the last minute,, I mean at 10.45 pm in his room after 'lights out'! Then he is exhausted and sullen in the mornings, and horrid to everyone. He generally tries to leave the house without saying goodbye to everyone - so I'm usually shouting down the road "Bye, have a good day!"
He has always been dreadfully disorganised and forgetful, but I think the pressures of Y10 are highlighting just how disorganised he really is! He has such great potential it is hard letting him get on with it and make mistakes.

He's never said he felt sad before, I think that's the thing that concerns me most.

Oh it's hard isn't it?
Do you really think he seems unhappy or depressed or could it just be adolescent mood swings? Is he a bit of a late developer? I ask because my DS1 was very emotional and weepy in the months before puberty kicked in. He was only 11 at the time though.
Now he is 15, nearly 16 he can certainly have very black moods, casting a spell of doom on the whole house, but he usually bounces back after a day or two.

Does he still do stuff with you all as a family? If not could you try to include him? Could you try to pick a time talk to him about being organised rather than just nagging. Year 10 and 11 really do bring a lot of pressure at school. Tell him you want to help constructively in some way and ask what you could do?.

mine was/is like that, I found it was mainly due to lack of sleep he's a nightowl and sleeps poorly so I found that if I let him sleep in the early evening for a couple of hours that worked on his sadness plus sometimes due to a drop in sugar levels can have devastating affect on his mood so a can of proper coke/pepsi seemed to do the trick. Mine took up jogging/running for a bit of fresh air and that helped with the sleep patterns and sad swings that he has. Keep talking and be gentle on him for a bit

Joining this thread as I have similar problems with my ds although he only 10. He is emotional, angry and tearful a lot of the time, and says that his friends are leaving him out at school. I have been in to see his teacher but there is not much he can really do. I try not to, but I do get angry with him at home as he frustrates me so much with his constant arguing and talking back.

I guess I am worried as I don't know if this is a normal thing to be going through or if he is depressed.

Watching this thread with interest as my 14 year old DS is exactly the same. 10 year old DS2 can be aswell, but only when really tired. DS1 is also a poor sleeper so maybe that is the key after all.

Maybe my ds is tired and this makes his problems seem bigger. He goes to bed at a good time every night but always seems very tired, I will try to get him to bed earlier.

Yes I think sleep, or lack of it, is a major factor! His lights should generally be out by 9.30 (just because he finds getting up in the morning a real struggle!), but can generally be heard awake at 10.30 and sometimes 11. This really puts him in a dark mood in the mornings and he barely functions.

I have actually really eased off on him over the last few days, I think maybe puberty is having a huge effect on him, and I think also his unpleasant behaviour towards his two brothers and myself have become a bit of a bad habit, and also my responses to his unpleasantness has just made the whole thing become a vicious circle.

I have just had a very long conversation with him following an incident in which he threatened to post my ds2's homework through the floorboards! I responded by saying that I didn't think he would actually do it, but that if he did I would have to email ds2's teacher to explain what had happened. Ds1 replied by saying that if I did that, he would commit suicide by jamming his finger into the plug socket.
I had to walk away at that point.
I went to talk to him about 10 minutes later and asked him why he had said that, and would he really commit suicide? He replied, no. So I asked him how he would feel if I threatened him with committing suicide myself. Hence the very long conversation. I just hope I have made some sort of progress.

No. He could do with spending some QT with dh, but dh has just been made redundant (in sudden, dramatic circumstances), and is now in the process of a career change, and working very hard!
No. He's never been a massive talker.
Yes two uncles that live miles away, but he loves them! He spent a week with one of them this summer and I haven't seen him so happy and animated for years.!
He doesn't play CoD as I won't have it in the house, but he has started plying some sort of shooting game on the computer that is age rated 12.

He has just come to talk to me and is clearly worried about school. He is finding it far more challenging this year and I think he is really feeling the pressure to do well. I have to take some responsibility for that as I do expect him to do well, and I have told him so. He is a bright boy,but I think he's always managed to coast along before, and now he is finding he has to work hard. He is a worrier, and rarely a talker.

ds1 is just like this too and gets very stressed about school work. I have actually just been in contact with school this week, to let his teachers know how unhappy/stressed he is.

He used to really love and enjoy school, but since yr10 it all seems so much more of a grind. (He has sky high targets in all subjects, so feels under a lot of pressure to perform in every assessment.)

He gets on better with dh than with me at the moment and has some good chats with him, but he's certainly not a very contented person at the moment.

A while back he asked us to back off with the 'nagging' and treat him in a more adult way; so we did this and stepped back from the close monitoring of homework, checking up on PC/XBox/bed times etc for a few weeks. And it has to be said it's been a complete disaster. He's not getting enough sleep, spending way too much time in front of screens and isn't spending as much time on school work. Consequently his grades have slipped a little bit, which is then causing him stress and making him grumpy!

So after January we'll be reinstigating some stricter rules and closer monitoring.

On the sleep thing, I read recently that the reason they often go to sleep much later than we'd like them to and are so knackered in the morning is because teenagers' brains have different melatonin levels to adults', so they genuinely can't go to sleep at, say, 9.30.

So at weekends, let them sleep till noon if they want to, to enable them to catch up. DS can't do that at the moment as he's working 9 hour shifts every Saturday and Sunday for a few weeks so won't have a lie in for a month . Doesn't stop him going to parties every Sat night though.

Hormones. Hormones. Hormones.

God I was MAD at that age. Huge mood swings and hopeless irrationality.

No change there.

And tiredness. And agree re talking, sometimes just some reassurance that how they feel is normal. That into every life a little rain must fall, and if you're not unhappy sometimes, how would you know when you were happy?

Oh so true!

When mine are unhappy I don't sleep...

Rubyrubyruby I wish that wasn't true but it is, I guess because we feel responsible for their happiness and guilt if they are unhappy.

But do boys of 10 have hormones even if they are not going through puberty yet?

My DS1 went through early puberty. The first signs (though we didn't twig) were when he was only 10 and became so emotionally sensitive that he would well up over the tiniest thing. Once the physical signs were apparent he reverted back to his old placid, happy self.
By the end of Year 6 at primary when he was 11 he was well on the way through puberty, at least physically.
Now coming up to 16 he has matured much more emotionally in the last few months. We now get the gloom and angst when he feels stressed, but mostly I see the adult he will become.

< It's mock GCSE week.I know he will be more cheerful soon >

rubyrubyruby that saying is true of every parent I know, even those whose children have children of their own.

"you're only as happy as your happiest child' - so true!

And I thought my children would breeze through puberty! Ha! Good to know he's not too abnormal .

Hope the trip to AandE wasn't for anything too serious ruby.

Secretsantasquirrels It makes me feel better to hear that, although I don't look forward to 6 more years of this! I went through puberty very late but my dh went through it young so maybe that is the reason for my ds's depressive moods. He always seems so miserable! I hope this is the reason, but I did think most boys did not go through puberty til they were about 13. Do you think the hormonal part hits them a few years before all the physical stuff! I can also see that my ds is starting to be interested in girls.

frankie3 - certainly the hormone part hit DS1 before the physical, although by the time he left primary he was 5'10 and in size 11 shoes (now 6'2") and he was very interested in girls at 12.
My second DS is 13.5 and just now starting the stage that his brother was at when he was only 10.
Looking at all their school friends I'd say 13 is very much the norm. At the start of Year 9 they are, with a handful of exceptions, little boys and by the end of Year 9 they are almost all hulking, grunting, spotty youths.