Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

DD just told me she has decided to live with Dad. How would you react?

21 replies

50000feet · 05/12/2011 19:42

DD14 is a very stroppy teenager and has been so difficult to cope with over the last year and a half. She is bordering on special needs, smokes, drinks, stays out late all the usual teen mayhem. When she gets her own way she is lovely and fun and very nice. She went to her dads for the weekend, we had a fall out over nothing and then when I went to collect her, over an hours drive away, she refused to come home because she wants all the rules changed so she can do what she wants - Stay out till 11 at night etc. After 4 hours of trying I gave up and left her there. No school today as her dad is too ill to drive and his car is not working. Not heard a word from her all day then just got a text saying she has decided to live with Dad. How sould I react. Bearing in mind that her dad is ill but could cope although she would have to help him and if she does she has to change school in her first year of gcse choices? Have held off texting back, any ideas?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/12/2011 19:47

Tell her the exam boards may not match the gcse's she wants, she may not be able to do all her choices at a different school

bamboobutton · 05/12/2011 19:51

i think i would just "ok darling" and leave it at that. i bet it won't be too long until she is missing her friends and wants to come home anyway. does she have any friends where her dad lives?

ZhenTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2011 19:53

I think the question for me would be if she would be allowed to get away with what she wants whilst living there. If she would then clearly she is not safe there as no 14 year old should be out at 11pm at night doing whatever they want. If her Dad cannot cope with giving her appropriate rules then he needs to support you and tell her that she cannot live there and must return with you.

I did exactly this at 15 for a few weeks and ended up back at my mums because I realised how much she did for me and what an unappreciative cow I had been. My Dad wouldn't have accepted me going out until 11pm at 14/15/16 however. It didn't affect my school as I could still travel there by bus, but I was a committed student despite being a stroppy teenager to my mum.

The school transfer would take time this far into the year and the fact that she would miss school being there is also an issue as the education authority will soon be on your back re: absence.

I would have a conversation with her Dad about the whole thing and then tell her what you decide, you are the parents and she is the child and she needs to remember that.

Slambang · 05/12/2011 20:02

How do you get on with her dad? I'd have thought first thing to do is talk it through with him. Is he in on this plan and how will she get to school etc?

NatashaBee · 05/12/2011 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

50000feet · 05/12/2011 20:31

Her dad would love it. He lives in the middle of nowhere so although there is a friend there her age, there is nowhere to go. No pubs, no shops nothing but village houses. She is much easier to look after there.

I have a gut feeling I should let her sweat it out there as I think she will get fed up but it might take a while. Which would mean 10 days off school then I have Xmas holidays? So worried about school though, but she does not care, she misbehaves at school and does not try.
I still have not relied to text.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 05/12/2011 20:39

call her bluff.

The more fuss you make over it, the more you pile on the what's and why's and such, the more she will rebelle.

I don't know what goes on in secondary but it's almost christmas holidays anyway so I doubt much work being done at this point, and you have Christmas holidays etc coming up - I imagine that spending New year in the back of beyond will soon show her what she's signed up for..

PattySimcox · 06/12/2011 16:41

Say "yes course you can, once we have sorted out the school transfer. Oh and you will have to restart Y10 again in september as different school means different curriculum"

And sob quietly to myself. Hope you are ok OP

BluddyMoFo · 06/12/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Acanthus · 06/12/2011 16:47

Don't text her, ring her

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 06/12/2011 16:51

It sounds like the ideal situation for a stroppy teenager - stuck in the middle of nowhere, no friends, with a sick Dad. Tell her to go ahead and you'll get her stuff sent up and the school trf done (don't do it, just tell her that!). I'm sure she'll soon change her mind and if she doesn't - she's probably going to come to less harm there than where she has places to 'hang out'.

Depending on the school either talk to the head or call her in sick.

Hairytoes · 06/12/2011 17:09

I think I would let her go too. In fact, not to sound flippant, I think ALL teens should be shipped off to the countryside in an ideal world.
She will have to help her dad, so that might teach her a little bit more consideration. The schooling part - well is that really important in the grand scale of things, as you say she misbehaves and doesn't try anyway. Now they have to stay on in school until 18, there is always the time to make up what she is not doing at moment, maybe with an older and wiser head on her shoulders.
You can be the good guy for a change, when she comes to visit you!

Original poster

50000feet · 06/12/2011 18:47

I decided I will go with it at the moment and phone school in the morning and get her some work. I just text her (will talk with her later in the week) saying ' I have just read your text - that is a big decision I will miss you xx' Two seconds later I got a reply 'okay'. I will leave it now for tonight. Next move I think is to get her to research the schools near her dads. Your comments are really helpful, It's hard to think objectively when my emotions are all over the place. Thanks.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 06/12/2011 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PattySimcox · 06/12/2011 20:39

YY Mofo

OP I think that you are being extremely brave, it must be so hard to hold it together. A friend of mine has recently gone through something similar but with a much younger child and the stress of it has made her really very ill, so be kind to yourself

brandysoakedbitch · 06/12/2011 20:42

ouch Op, I hope you are OK.

purplecupcake · 07/12/2011 10:12

wow my daughter has a twin somewhere in the country .. i went through this, DD didnt care about anything or anyone, was naughty in school, even worse at home ..It was either her way or no way .. She decided that she would also live with her dad, it got to the point where i said fine, pack your bag heres some money for the train fare .. she stayed there 3 months before she came home, live with him wasnt all it was made out to be.. shes now a much nicer child to live with after she realised what she had put us through, she still has her moments but they are few and far between

Original poster

50000feet · 08/12/2011 19:54

Social care involved but happy they are, they are going to visit her on Monday. School arranging a meeting to get special needs involved and all together to try and sort this or atleast all work together. Have not been promised a solution but at least not dealing with this alone. After a year and a half of hell (and prob more to come) I can't believe suddenly something is going to be recognised. So gob smacked am having a glass of wine to relax not because I need one...

OP posts:

mollymac · 10/12/2011 19:26

hello, i went tru the same thing last april/may. i left her move all her stuff to her dads and cried for days.i was angry and upset blaming myself for not being a better mom.her 4yr step sister kept asking where she was.after 3 months away she eventually came home. all the time i text v nice msgs telling her i missed and loved her;it worked. shes the best 14year old since her grades are 100% and wer like sisters again;im 32. keep ur anger inside and keep telling your girl u love and miss her lots. hope u sort it all out;chin up xx

Original poster

50000feet · 12/12/2011 16:40

Her Dad rang to say its all official, the wheels are in motion to move schools etc. feel devastated and like you mollymac I think I'll cry for days. Dd apparently is fine and looking forward to a fresh start. :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

50000feet · 11/02/2012 13:48

It's over two months since I posted this, I've been trying to sit it out hoping and hoping. A couple of times she has text to say she wants to come home but only cause she has argued with her dad and then next day changes her mind. She has not been to school but I did get her a maths tutor once a week and homework from school. Have spent quality time with her and we get on better lots of love and kisses on texts etc. her Dad got the call yesterday she has a place at local school. This makes it more final. I can tell she is wobbling about it but not enough to come home and accept the rules. Life has been on hold. We have a week to accept the school place? I'm in such a tizzy on what to do or not to do....my mind is spinning but I'm doing nothing...

OP posts:

Flip