Why can't I cope with this?

[DodoBird]

13yr old DC has been asked to leave indep school. DC committed a serious offence and this comes after a long history of no work and lots of other problems some serious, others less so. Can't blame school as they have given warnings etc and this was the last straw. DC doesn't really 'get it' that life is about to change drastically as the only option open to us is a state comp miles away from school, friends etc. DH is refusing to pay anymore which I don't balme him for. We have removed FB, phone, internet, everything and still DC behaves like a complete shit being abusive, stroppy, aggressive and no remorse about the serious offence. At present DC has no means of contacting anyone and is just moping around at home. I cannot bear to look at DC and haven't stopped crying since the school meeting. I have never had any mental health issue but feel I am on the verge of 'losing it' constantly with a mix of extreme anger and fear for the coming weeks when reality finally hits home. I know this could work out for the best but right now it is hard to imagine. Has anyone come back from such a situation? What can we do to help ourselves and DC deal with this? A friend has suggested I speak to the doctor but I would never resort to medication or alcohol to help deal with a problem and I have younger DCs who need me sane and sober.

What did he do? Surely there is some help for him as he is so young? Maybe your friend was suggesting the doctor for your ds not for you! Something must have led to this can you think of anything significant that he may be reacting against?

Sorry can't bear to discuss it but it was very serious. DC will need help dealing with this, despite what she thinks, but we have had no suggestions from the school (they just want her out) and there is every chance DC will not cooperate with a counselor.

I am sure there will be MNers around telling you how either they or their children have been completely turned around after a bad start as young teens. 13 is still very young.

You may find you get more help from the comp; they may well have more experience with difficult teens and if they have a good counsellor, that could be a start.

I know it feels dreadful now, but it could be the start of better things.

Just to send my sympathies and to say that IMO it would be normal not to be coping with this .
You sound quite hard on yourself ( it's really not such a weakness to be on medication for depression/anxiety - not saying you should be ,but people do need help sometime ) and it sounds as though you are keeping things together ,it's not like you've taken to your bed or left the household is it ?
I often feel as though I'm not coping - I simply cannot get through to my DS that he needs to put some effort into his life .
When you love someone ,see them in difficulties but can't/don't know what to do to help ,you feel powerless and worthless .
It's very tough ,and also I think forums like MN can give the impression that others cope better .

Chin up and keep going ,good luck .

Okay you have my sympathy. However first the bad news, even if the local comp takes her, there is a history that children who have left their Independent school "under a cloud" can end up being permanently excluded from state schools too.
I think your DC needs to get some counselling, and also to break down the bravado. Maybe some family counselling would also help. Teenagers who appear tough tend to either: be covering up their insecurities or rarely have some kind of mental health/personality disorder.
I would also say be good to yourself, and maybe get yourself some counselling. Its not all your fault, but it is human to blame ourselves, you also need to grieve your little girl not being quite the dream you hoped for (and not that sweet 6 year old any more).

But with the right support, and working in partnership with her new school you could turn things around. Good luck!

How is she reacting to it all op?

If the offence warrants it, could you ask the local PCSO to come round and put a rocket up DC's arse?

In my short experience (we adopted a troubled teen a year ago) things can change very quickly at this age. I don't know what services are available where you live but here we have an excellent self-referral counselling service for teens. Even if your DC won't go with you, they should still see you on your own for support, to rant or whatever. They are still technically helping the child by helping you. They will have a child psychologist who will give you some insight into their behaviour.

It's possible your DC is frightened underneath of what they have triggered - try and break through with some physical affection.

Depending on what your DC did, perhaps you could take them somewhere relevant to it, to show what happens to people who follow that course (pupil referral units, drug rehabilitation centres or shelters, even detention centres will show you around). It might make it hit home if they talk to someone their own age who has messed up and wishes they hadn't. If you are not getting through to them, step back and let someone else try.

Don't talk the new school down - your opinion of it will colour their view and subsequent behaviour. You can't expect your DC to have faith in the school if you clearly see it as a poor option. And don't think that the state comp will be a disaster - ours is in an inner london comp but they have given us steady support and their zero tolerance policy eventually worked. They sent me a daily email with every tiny positive and negative about his behaviour so we could praise and sanction as necessary - and he knew he couldn't get away with anything. If you let the school know they have your full support you will get a whole lot more out of them. Our DC is now in top set for everything and the standard is pretty good.

Maryz is right - you are grieving so be kind to yourself.

THis is not the end of the road for your DC.

Firstly a huge thank you to all who replied and offered your help. I really cannot tell you how much better I feel reading your posts and realising that it is not the end of the world. DC isn't really dealing with this as I think she is in denial but reality will bite in January and I will do everything to help her. Maryz, thank you so much for verbalising all my fears and reminding me that I still have her with us - you must be a mind reader! We are back on speaking terms now and even shared a laugh about one of her less serious pranks. She has hinted that all was not well at school and she is relieved to be leaving but wouldn't elaborate any further. I hope more details will come out over time so we can help her. Thanks once again for being there when I needed it.