'Normal' teen behaviour or something more?

[matana]

Long story, but the crux is that 14yo DSD1 and DH had a disagreement almost 3 months ago and she hasn't spoken to him/ seen him since. We normally see both DSDs most weekends. He/ we have tried everything - asking to meet to talk and get things resolved, giving her time and space, not making a big deal out of it and trying to return to normal with some nice texts, leaving messages saying she's very loved and missed, asking her mum for help to resolve the problem etc etc. Nothing has worked and we keep hearing from her mum how upset/ angry/ hurt DSD is because she says that DH doesn't like her/ hates her. She opened up to me at our son's 1st birthday (who she absolutely adores) last weekend when she was extremely tearful and i thought i had made progress. I explained that DH is also very upset and just wants her back. I said that people can dislike someone else's behaviour/ attitude at times but still love them deeply. I listened to her, reassured her and said that the only way of feeling better again would be to speak to DH and sort things out. It seemed like i had made progress. Today, DH received a text saying she didn't want to meet DH and talk on Sunday, because there would be no point because she's said everything she has to say to me instead. I cannot see an end to this and can't stand seeing my DH so upset. We have never had any problems like this before.

I know that teenagers are prone to overreaction and angst, but this seems like such a huge overreaction to a relatively minor disagreement which has been blown out of all proportion that i simply don't see how it can all be because of my DH. Could it be that she is depressed? She did mention to me that she had been stressed with exams and 'other things'. She has also been seeing a 16 year old boy for 5 months. She has never been very good at displaying emotions and feelings in the 9 years i've known her. But her current behaviour is completely irrational and we are at a loss to know how to deal with it.

Has DH actually texted/ phoned her and said he's really, really sorry? Never mind who was in the wrong originally, the main thing is getting contact back with her.

Whether normal, I can't say, but I do know my 12 year old would and has behaved like this (my 15 year old wouldn't but she's a different character). Her uncle got cross with her about 4 months ago for a minor misdemeanour, but I think (and certainly in her eyes) was too fierce and hard on her. She would not speak to him at all for goodness knows how long. If we met up. she would speak to her aunt and cousin, but act as though he did not even exist. She speaks now, but is icily civil. She told me the other day she would never forgive him unless he said he was really, really sorry, which she knows he won't do.

Maybe with maturity your DSD will see that life is not as black and white as she thinks and your DH is not such a terrible bad guy. But in the meantime, I would text to say sorry and he loves her - frequently and even if there is no response. Keep communication open in a pleasant, non threatening way, and maybe she will come round. As an aside, I imagine meeting Dad for a "talk" is something most teenagers would try to wriggle out of. Have you asked her out for, say a meal, just pleasant and no strings? You might get further if it's just "sorry, would you like to go for a meal?" rather than "we need to sort this out". Good luck!

She won't answer his calls. He left a voice message last Sunday saying he loves her, and thanked her for coming to our DS's birthday party. Nothing back though. He's also sent her nice texts. I've also tried saying that if she just wants to come for a walk with me and DS to let me know, so no pressure. Nothing, although she is civil (nice even) to me by text. We're tried it all. She either ignores DH or sends him icy texts saying she won't talk to him because she'll 'say something she might regret'. The reason we invited her to DS's party (apart from the fact she's his sister of course, so we'd expect her to be there) was to try to break the ice without the big 'talk' scenario. All she did was turn up, look miserable, and dissolve into tears when she followed me upstairs and saw DS for the first time in a few weeks. It broke my heart to see her like that. But now i'm back to not knowing where the hell she's coming from and getting very frustrated/ angry on my DH's behalf. His birthday is on Wednesday and i know he'll be miserable because he won't hear anything from DSD. We also have Christmas on the horizon, when she and her sister would normally spend a few days with us between Christmas and New year. But i can't even see it being resolved by then because she's unresponsive to anything we do. It really is a situation completely alien to me, i have never known anyone to be so apparently upset and yet unwilling to resolve it in one way or another. Her reasoning is "if we sort things out this time, i can just see it happening again in the future".