No friends... how do you deal with this?

[AbbyAbsinthe]

My dd (14) is having real troubles atm.

She has hung around with basically the same set of friends since primary school - but over the last year or so, they are all drifting away from her and she seems so alone.

I know I can't do anything in practical terms - I have talked to her about it lots, and sat on my hands so that I don't call their parents - but how can I help her with this?

I can't imagine her going through potentially the next 4 years with no friends at school. She's lonely.

IMO - they're two-faced little monkeys. They bitch behind everyone's back and are quite nasty here and there, but this last week has been horrible for her - I paid for 7 of them to all go to the local water park for DD's birthday treat, they all had a great time.

However, since Sunday, when they went, they've all turned on her again and told her that they don't want to know her.

I honestly can't understand it. She's bright, and funny, generous and kind. If there was any criticism, she's slightly confrontational, and gets pretty bad PMT sometimes - but why are they so mean? And is there actually anything I can do to encourage her to find new friends?

If this was my DD i would maybe look at changing school. Or finding new friends at current school. A fresh start away from these girls. But I suppose most people are already is friemdship groups already

They sound horrid, to accept a party invitation then to behave so badly. But you can't force people to be friends with your DD. All you can do is help her make herself the type of person people want to hang out with. Maybe see exactly what was said to make them change from waterpark day to now. Miscommunication maybe? Group dynamics ?

Maybe encourage her to invite one of the girls for a sleep over.

Does she go to any out of school clubs? They can be a great way to find like minded people. I know how you feel, my 11 year old dd has the same sort of "friends". They ring her when they need to know what homework's been set, then drop her like a hot potato when they feel like.

Speak to her form tutor if dd lets you and ask them for suggestions.

Are there other children she would like to get to know outside of her current friendship group? Sounds like she needs some other options for friends. Any activities/friends away from school she can develop?

All saying the same thing.
Also, can she invite the group of friends over one or two at a time to help them have less of a group thing and more individual fun - maybe there are one or two who are better friends but they behave as a mob with the others.

Thanks ladies.

She does have them for sleepovers sometimes, and she goes to theirs occasionally too - but that tends to be just one or two at a time. It's when there's more than a pair, that's when it seems to go awry.

There is a lot of mob mentaility, it's true. On a one-to-one, they're fine, generally. But then an argument will happen amongst them, and dd refuses to side with people if she doesn't agree (which is a good thing, imo), but she's then ostracised for it.

I've tried to get her involved with out of school groups, but her confidence has taken such a battering over the last couple of years that she just doesn't want to.

She does go grooming/horseriding on a Sunday - but that tends to be more of an alone activity, which she seems to really like.

It breaks my heart to see her so isolated amongst her peers - if you knew her, you would never think in a million years that someone like her would have no friends. She seems like she'd be popular, but she just isn't

Maryz, that's so true. The number of sleepless nights I've had when ds has told me he has all these awful problems, and then I realise that he's got over them but I'm still stressing!

OP, I think everyone's given you good advice, I hope your dd feels happier soon.

My dd14 is in exactly the same boat and has been for a few years now. Has spent the day alone as girl who asked her to do something today when school was on strike cried off - as she has done many times before. It also seems incredible to us that she isn't more popular but seems to find it impossible to make friends she can rely on, the others walk all over her as she is easygoing and won't hit back. But the one positive thing is she's developing a strength of character that the others are lacking - and a good moral compass as well. But heartbreaking nevertheless as she should be having time of her life. At least she enjoys activities outside school.

This seems to be quite common at 13/14 My 13 yr old is going through it but shes a floater she has a few groups of friends so she seems to be coping with it , dd1 did suffer alot with this although she did get through it , Its the Bitching and backstabbing its just vile , Although unless its really bad i wouldnt change schools ATM she may make new friends soon , does she go to any clubs at school away from these girls ? try and ask who she had lunch with who she was chatting to today , and if there is a newname encourage her to talk about them , big the person up , say they sound really nice etc etc , obviously if your daughter is really struggiling and upset go to school and ask to speak to her head of year or pupil support , good luck it should pass x

My DD also had this problem at the beginning of second year.
I did phone the parents it helped a little bit. Looking back i think i should have gone into the school and asked them if they knew what was going on.
It turned out to be half jealousy and half just nastyness.
She is now friends with the ring leader.
It turned out that the group of pupils found my DD unaproachable.
So she worked on smiling more and being a bit more laid back.
At the time, i remember the pain you must be feeling and the crying i did with her and on my own.
Children can be very cruel when they are in groups.
We have accepted that High School might not be the place that she is going to find her best friend.