Need advice on how to help daughter with relationship with boyfriend

[suninthemorning]

My daughter (15) has been going out with boyfriend (19) for a few months. He has so far been kind, reliable, dependable and our family has been OK with the relationship despite the age difference. However, he has upset my daughter a number of times by being too flirty with other girls and seems unable to stop doing this. He doesn't seem to realize that when he is "friendly" with other girls this makes the other girls think that he likes them and makes my daughter feel jealous. The friendliness isn't imagined. I have seen one of my daughters friends even act flirty around him and I'm sure she doesn't actively want to hurt my daughter by making her jealous. He contacts a number of girls using Facebook and his cell phone regularly. He has recently added ex-girlfriends to his Facebook "friends" list. He "jokingly" talks to one of these ex-girlfriends about "marrying"?? One ex-girlfriend is still in love with him and contacts him constantly. He still replies to her and recently kissed her in my daughters presence even though he said it meant nothing to him??? My daughter told him to stop communicating with her and he said he would but that he couldn't cut her out completely because she comes from a troubled family...

All of this bothers me as a Mom. And bothers my daughter. She has told her boyfriend she doesn't like him talking in these ways to other girls but he has said not to worry as he "only loves her". I think he really does care for her but he is not listening to her concerns and in my opinion not respecting the relationship by flirting with other girls. According to my daughter, he has suffered from depression for a number of years.

I've tried to tell my daughter that she should stick with her own council. That this behaviour is not OK. She agrees but says that she can't change him (probably true) and says that she feels bad constantly bugging him about what he is saying to these other girls. I've said that he needs to stop contacting these other girls - "defriend" them from his Facebook but my daughter says that that is too mean to do politically on Facebook.

I don't know if I should interfere with this relationship by continuing to give my advice. It is hard to sit and watch this. My daughter is still only 15 and this seems a bit too much to handle. I'm just worried that the drama in this relationship will carry on day after day as it is right now and will get more and more complicated as time goes on. I don't want my daughter to sink any deeper in this relationship if it will continue to hurt her like this. She can't help but be influenced by this older boyfriend.

In my opinion it is not OK to upset one's girlfriend this way. I can't tell her that she has to stop dating this guy - I think she has to come to that conclusion - but what to do???

This is worrying me and distracting me from work etc.

ok I read this and really wanted to help.....so I asked my 19yr old son to read it and this is what he said

From the son of sevenfold whom is also 19: She needs to kick him the f**k out of her life. she deserves better than a twat like that.

Sevenfold, give your DS a pat on the back.
OP - he sounds like a dickwad TBH and very immature. I am so old I can't even remember being 15. I certainly didn't want a controlling manipulatve immature boychild as a BF.
Advise her to get rid.

My biggest regret.
I really wish my mother had done something when I was 15 and had an unsuitable 18 year old BF. Instead she did not interfere and it took me 3 years to reach the conclusion that he was a mistake, by which time I had quit school.
And that was over 30 years ago.

Such a difficult situation. It seems pretty obvious that he is not likely to change and treat her with the respect she is due, so really she needs to get rid. But there is always the risk that you saying that, may make her dig her heels in and stay just because you say she shouldn't.
Personally, I would go down the line of describing to her what you dislike about his behaviour, and how you feel about the way it is affecting her, that you think he should be treating her in a more respectful way. Avoid giving advise about what she should do, or what you would do if you were her... in any way, (yep, difficult that one) but let her know that whatever she decides (to dump him, or to keep trying) you will always be there to support her. Then keep your fingers crossed!

Is there any way you could sort of steer her towards other things that would keep her busy thereby minimising time spent with dickhead fuckface (let's face it - he is if he's treating her like that)? Like, 'oooo I could really do with a hand shopping on Thursday evening', possibly pick up a flyer for a group or club that she might like? Try not to be too obvious though! Might just build up her self confidence that little bit more to kick him to the curb (can't believe I just used that phrase - I was trying to think like a teenager there for a minute, I think). But good for her that she realises this isn't acceptable, and you for raising her to be so savvy.

p.s. Sevenfold's son I like you instantly. You call a spade a fucking spade.